


What A Catch

by hygge



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Angst, Chaptered, Coffee Shops, Depression, Developing Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Piano, Slow Burn, Smut, Strangers to Lovers, Therapy, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-03-13 08:23:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 50,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13566633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hygge/pseuds/hygge
Summary: Phil visits the same cafe every weekday morning without fail. But, when he decides to visit the cafe on the weekend for once, the atmosphere that he had grown used to has completely changed thanks to a piano player named Dan. While Phil is ready to jump into a relationship, Dan is hesitant and is still trying to stitch his life together again after What Had Happened in his past relationship. And that’s easier said than done.





	1. Chapter 1

 

 **Phil**  

It was another cold day. Phil wrapped his coat tighter to his body as the frigid wind ripped through him. He kept his head down low and his gaze towards the sidewalk, trying to make as little of himself exposed to the harsh wind as possible. He was beginning to regret walking outside just for a hot chocolate, but he knew that once he arrived at the cafe and wrapped his hands around a warm mug, it would be worth it. He just needed to walk the few blocks to get there first. 

A small bell chimed as Phil opened the door and stepped inside the cafe. The warmth from inside hit him instantly; it allowed him to regain feeling in his face, and the smells of freshly ground coffee and warm pastries were floating through the air. He took his coat off and hung it over his arm as he walked up to the counter, which had a queue of three people. He stood behind the last person and looked around the room.

He visited this cafe every morning on his way to work, and ordered a large coffee with one cream and two sugars as well as a chocolate croissant. On weekdays, the majority of the customers were stood in line looking down at their cell phones, waiting to get their daily dose of caffeine before heading off to work. But because today was Saturday, there was a different atmosphere than what he was used to. There were small groups of people sat at rectangular tables chatting about life, and there were others who were sat by themselves at small round tables by the windows working on their laptops. The biggest difference, though, was the old upright piano, which usually sat unattended along the large brick wall, now had somebody sitting at it playing a soft tune. Phil thought it was the best cafe in the area. Although, he may have been a little biased. His cousin, Sarah, owned the cafe, but he did enjoy visiting. 

Phil remembered when Sarah first opened the cafe a few years ago, she was terrified. Her and her husband had drained their savings just for her to open the doors, but there was no guarantee that the cafe would do well. London was a tough city to open a business in. There was a lot of competition. She had confided in Phil a few times before the grand opening that she was terrified that all of her work would be all for naught. That she put all of her effort into renovations and marketing, but she wouldn't made a steady profit to make it all work. And he remembered that the first couple of months were scary. But, after a while, she gained more and more customers. And now, it was rare when he stopped by and there wasn't a line. He was proud of her, to say the least. 

Once it was his turn and he walked up to the counter, Sarah had a partially shocked look on her face. It was a diversion from the usual smile she wore for her other customers. But, she had a good reason.

“Phil! Didn’t expect to see you here on a Saturday.”

“You know me, Mr. Spontaneous!"

Sarah let out a small laugh. “You’re literally the least spontaneous person I know, Mr. I Order The Same Drink Every Morning.” 

Phil held up his index finger to counter Sarah’s point. “Hey, I’d like a hot chocolate today, thank you very much.” 

He and Sarah may have been a few years apart— she was about four years older than Phil— but they had the same sense of humor and liked to give each other a hard time whenever they could. They didn’t become close until Phil finished school, but now he considered her to be one of his closest family members. 

She was right, though. Spontaneity was not one of his strengths. No matter what it was, going to visit his parents, going out after work, or going on a trip, he always had to plan things out. He wasn't typically the person to get out of the house and just go. He had his routine and he liked to stick to it. 

“With extra marshmallows?”

“Please,” he smiled. Phil’s sweet tooth was no secret. Everyone knew that he’d prefer a bag or marshmallows or gummy candy over savory snacks any day. If he was physically able to eat sweets all day and still survive, he probably would. 

Sarah turned around and faced the back counter, grabbing all of the items she needed to fulfill Phil’s order. Phil took this time to focus on the notes coming from the piano on the other side of the room. They were light and delicate, and added just the right touch to the atmosphere.

“Whoever is playing the piano is really good,” Phil mentioned while he watched Sarah mix his drink. He had always wished he could play the piano. He found the sound to be so beautiful. But, he never had much luck with learning to play instruments. 

She didn’t break her concentration when she replied. “That’s Dan. He just started coming here a month or so ago. He usually comes here on the weekends, plays the piano for a little while, orders a caramel latte, and then goes on his way. I don’t know too much about him. He doesn’t really say much. But, he’s a fantastic piano player.”

Phil hummed in response as he watched Sarah add as many mini marshmallows as she could without them spilling onto the counter. 

“And here you are!” she announced as she placed the mug in front of Phil. 

After Phil thanked Sarah and had paid for his drink, he turned around and assessed his seating options. There weren’t too many seats open; one of the larger rectangular tables was available as well as one of the smaller round tables by the window. He decided on the latter. The wooden legs of the chair scraped against the wide plank floor as Phil pulled out his chair to sit down, and he smiled to himself once he noticed that he could partially see Dan’s fingers expertly moving over the piano keys from where he was.  

Once he was settled, he wrapped his hands around the warm porcelain mug and brought it to his lips. Although he had been indoors for a few minutes now, taking a sip brought a feeling of warmth that spread throughout his body. 

When Phil woke up that morning, he wasn’t sure what he was going to do with his day. It had been a while since he had a weekend all to himself. There were no errands to run, no plans made with friends, or any family functions to go to. But because it was so cold, Phil knew that part of his day would be spent with a warm drink, which led him here. Phil hadn’t planned on staying for too long. He had wanted to enjoy his hot chocolate and be on his way. Although, now that there was a lovely soundtrack for him to listen to while he enjoyed his drink, he figured it wouldn’t hurt to stay for a little while.  

A few minutes later, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Dan finish his song and stand up from the piano bench. Phil watched him discreetly as he put on his jacket and started to walk towards the counter. As Dan was walking closer to him, Phil noticed just how tall he was. Phil thought he, himself, was tall, but Dan might have been even taller than he was. His eyes traveled from Dan’s slender skinny jean clad legs, up his seemingly flat stomach and chest, to his broad shoulders, and up to his perfectly straightened hair, which was almost a mirror image of Phil's. Damn, he was attractive. When Phil’s gaze landed back on Dan’s face, Dan’s eyes met his, and Phil realized he had just been caught checking him out. Dan gave him a dimpled smile, and Phil could feel his face begin to heat up. He gave him a shy, embarrassed smile in return, before returning his attention to his drink, willing his reddened face to disappear quickly. 

 

*

 

Once Phil returned home later that afternoon, he decided to spend the rest of the day to catch up on some of his favorite shows. It had been a while since he was able to sit down and spend the day scrolling through Netflix. He curled up on his sofa with his warmest blanket wrapped around himself, while a bowl of his favorite popcorn sat to his right.

It was around 5PM when he received a notification on his phone. Pausing his show, he reached over to the coffee table and grabbed his phone, making sure not to spill the popcorn all over the floor in the process. He unlocked the screen and saw that it was an email from one of his coworkers.

 

_Hey Phil,_

_Sorry to interrupt your Saturday. I have an article (attached) that is due by the end of the day on Monday. Would you mind looking over it for me? Let me know if you’re unable to and I can pass it on to someone else._

_Thanks!  
_ _Sam  
_

 

Phil sighed. So much for having a free weekend to himself. He supposed he could say no, and that he was busy, but he knew that wasn’t true. Sam wasn’t usually one of the writers he worked with, but he knew a lot of people had been out sick recently, including the other editors, so there probably weren’t many other options for him. More than likely, Sam had written the last sentence to make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal. But, Phil knew how important it was since it was due on Monday.

He hit the reply button and started typing.

 

_Hi Sam,_

_Sure! I’ll look over this tomorrow and make any necessary changes._

_Thanks!  
_ _Phil_

 

It wasn't that Phil hated his job, quite the opposite actually. He loved what he did. He liked the company he worked for and he liked the people he worked with. But, when he finally got a weekend to himself, and he now had to spend part of it working, he was a little bummed.

Going into the office on a Sunday didn’t excite Phil too much. He supposed he could stay at home and work. It would allow him the freedom to stay in his pajamas and lay in his bed without anyone knowing. Or, he could go back to the cafe and work in a calming atmosphere. That option didn’t include pajamas, unless he wanted to look like a crazy person in the middle of London, but it did include a certain attractive pianist. And what a shame that would be to see him again. 

 

*

 

Just like it had a day before, the small bell on the door chimed once Phil stepped into the cafe. It was a little warmer out, so the heat from inside didn’t hit him as severely as it had yesterday. It also wasn’t as busy as it had been the day before. While there were some people sitting down, there were more open tables this time around. Phil started to walk towards the counter and a smile broke out on his face when he saw Dan sitting on the piano bench and could hear the familiar songs he was playing.

When Phil got up to the counter, Sarah had a knowing smirk on her face. “Back again, huh? Looks like someone’s got a crush,” Sarah teased.

“Oh shut up. Maybe I just came here for the atmosphere.” Phil slid his backpack off of his shoulder and placed it on the counter, making sure to not damage his laptop. She didn't have to know that he had thought about Dan on more than one occasion yesterday.

“The atmosphere of a very attractive guy playing piano?” she quipped.

“Maybe,” Phil paused for a second before continuing. “I don’t actually want anything, but could I pay for his drink in advance?” he asked, while unzipping his backpack and reaching inside for his wallet.

“Oh, so now you’re buying him drinks?” Sarah asked with a raised brow. Phil could tell she was clearly amused by the whole situation. 

Phil rolled his eyes. “Is this how you treat paying customers?”

Sarah snickered. “Sorry, sorry. I just like to tease you. It’s been a while since you’ve been interested in someone.”

She wasn’t wrong. It had been a while since Phil was interested in anyone. The last relationship he was in was about three years ago, and he hadn’t been on any dates since. He missed having a connection with someone, and having someone there all the time. Although, he wasn’t looking to ask Dan on a date, per se, he simply wanted to thank him for his serene songs. But, if it led to something more, who was he to stop that?

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

**Dan**

It was just after 10AM when Dan was awoken with a text. A groan escaped his mouth as he yawned and stretched his arms in an attempt to feel more awake. He was curious as to who was texting him this early. Everyone he kept in contact with knew that he slept in on the weekends. So, he rolled onto his side and grabbed his phone off of his nightstand to see who it could be. With his vision still blurry with sleep, he squinted at the bright screen to make out the message.

Oh. It was only his pharmacy.

 

_Your prescription is now ready for pickup._

 

Some people woke up to cute good morning messages from their significant other. Dan only got messages from his pharmacy saying the refill of his depression medication was ready. If that wasn’t the perfect description for his life, he didn’t know what would be.

Placing his phone back on his nightstand, Dan rolled onto his back and sighed. He wasn’t mentally prepared to face the day, but he knew if he closed his eyes again, he would be asleep until noon. With the little motivation he currently had, he swung his legs over the side of his bed and stood up. 

Dan was in no rush to get ready that morning. He ate a bowl of cereal while watching some sort of cooking show, and then he logged onto his laptop to check what had been happening on social media. About an hour later when he was around sixty five percent more awake, he figured it was time to get out of his pajamas. Once he got dressed, straightened this hair, and deemed himself suitable enough to be out in public, he grabbed his keys, wallet, and phone before walking out the door.

 

*

 

Dan watched as the pharmacist retrieved his prescription and brought it over to him. She typed some information into her computer before placing the bottle of medication into a bag for him. The pills inside of the bottle knocked against each other as they fell to the bottom of the bag. 

He hated the reason for those pills. Realistically, he knew it wasn’t his fault for why he started to take them in the first place. But, every night when he took one, he felt as if they were mocking him. It was the last piece of his past relationship, and he couldn’t let go of it just yet. It was like he was still tethered to him by a single string, despite all of the other changes Dan had made to rid him from his life. As long as Dan would keep taking those pills, the string would remain in tact. He yearned for the day when he didn’t need them anymore and he was finally able to break free.

Although, he had to admit that the pills helped him a great deal over the past few months he had been taking them. Before he started taking them, he didn't realize just how bad things were mentally for him. He knew that other things in his life were bad, but it wasn't until he started taking them that he realized the truth about his mental health. He had felt numb for so long that he thought it was the norm. He thought that was who he was. It wasn't until after What Had Happened where he realized just how fucked up things really were.

When the older woman handed Dan the bag, he thanked her and started to make his way out of the store when he heard someone call his name from behind him.

“Hey Dan! I thought that was you over there!” Dan stopped in his tracks and turned around. It was Tom. Dan hadn’t seen him since his second year of school. He and Tom, along with a few other people, lived together in the first year of university. Out of all of them, he and Tom probably got along the best, but they were never terribly close.

“Oh, hey Tom. How have you been?”

“Pretty good. Can’t complain. You?”

“I’ve been alright.”

“Are you still with, oh man, what was his name?” Tom gazed toward the ceiling as if the answer was written on the pharmacy’s ceiling tiles.

“Jake? No, we’re not together anymore.” Dan shifted his gaze towards the ground, not wanting to make eye contact with Tom. He really didn’t want to discuss his previous relationship with him, especially not in the middle of a store. Dan wasn’t one for small talk, but he would have much rather discussed the weather at that point. Anything to detract from the painful memories that were beginning to infiltrate his mind.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” They were silent for a few seconds, until Tom changed the subject, which Dan was grateful for. “So, did you end up dropping law?”

“Nah. I decided to stick with it. I didn’t do very well since it didn’t interest me, but it would have been too much work to start another course from the beginning. I’m actually doing marketing and communications stuff now." 

“Oh really? That’s cool!”

Dan shrugged. “I guess. I can’t see myself doing it forever though."

They stood there for a few more minutes as Tom talked about his job in architecture and the way he had proposed to his girlfriend a couple of weeks prior. Dan was happy for Tom and his success, but he was really itching to get out of the pharmacy and go back home. Finally, the conversation came to a lull, and they said their goodbyes.

 

*

 

A couple of hours later, Dan positioned himself on the familiar wooden bench for the second day in a row. He rotated his wrists and wiggled his fingers to warm them up before he placed them onto the keys. He played a quick warmup before playing his usual selection of songs. The piano was slightly out of tune, not that Dan cared. He felt it added something to his songs. What that something was, he wasn’t sure, but he almost preferred this sound to the sound of his own keyboard at home. 

He was glad that he had found this cafe while he was aimlessly walking around the area one day. It became a place of solace for him. After What Had Happened, it was suggested that he channel all of his negative thoughts and emotions into something productive or creative. He decided to pick up piano again; it was calming for him. And when he realized that the coffee shop he stumbled upon also had an upright piano, he wasted no time in asking the owner, Sarah, permission to play it. Now, almost two months later, he was here for a couple of hours every Saturday and Sunday letting the music distract him from his troubled thoughts.

The movement of his fingers and the sounds that were produced from them almost transported him to another place. It was a place without fear or anxiety. He felt free. His fingers glided almost effortlessly over the keys, allowing his mind to wander. He had played these songs so often that it was basically all muscle memory at this point. And because of this, it was easy for him to lose track of time. Two hours went by without much thought. 

It was at that point that Dan’s fingers were beginning to stiffen anyway, so he finished the song he was currently playing, and made his way to the counter to order his usual drink. 

“Hi Dan. What can I get for you today?” Sarah asked, cheerful as always. He figured she should stop asking what he wanted at that point. For the past two months, he’d only ordered one thing.

“Hello, one medium caramel latte to go, please.”

“You got it!”

While Sarah was making Dan’s usual drink, he took his phone out of his pocket. He hadn’t received any notifications, but he always felt awkward standing around while he waited for something. Instead, he scrolled through his Instagram feed until Sarah placed his drink in front of him. He placed his phone back in his pocket and grabbed his wallet instead.

“Oh, you don’t owe anything,” Sarah said while shaking her head.

“What? Really?” Dan asked, perplexed, as he was in the process of taking some money out of his wallet.

“Yup. Someone paid for your drink,” she smiled.

Dan blushed. “Do you know who?” He thought these sorts of things only happened in movies and books. He never thought that someone would find him appealing enough to buy him a drink without even knowing his name.

“The guy with black hair who is sitting next to the window.” Dan followed her gaze.

He thanked Sarah before walking towards the mysterious guy with black hair. As he got closer, he noticed the laptop sitting in front of him. The guy seemed to be typing away at a furious speed, like he was afraid the thought would leave his head before it was all written down. It was clear that he had come here to get work done, so Dan planned on giving a small thanks before letting him get back to what he was doing. 

It wasn’t until Dan was stood almost directly in front of him that he noticed it was the same guy who was checking him out yesterday. Dan tried not to blush at that memory, as he tried to gain the courage to talk to him. 

“Um, hi,” Dan announced, causing the guy to look up from his laptop. A smile spread across the guy's face when he made eye contact with Dan. Dan hadn’t noticed it the day before, but he had striking light blue eyes, which contrasted with his black hair. "I don’t want to interrupt, but I just wanted to say thank you for paying for my drink." 

“Of course. Just a token of appreciation for your talent. You’re really good,” he smiled kindly.

Dan could feel his face begin to turn red. He had never been good with compliments. “Wow, um, thank you."

“No problem. I’m Phil, by the way.”

“I’m Dan."

Phil closed the top of his laptop slightly to give Dan his undivided attention. “So, how long have you been playing?”

“About two hours.”

Phil giggled, and Dan tried not to stare at the adorable way his tongue poked out of the side of his mouth and his eyes scrunched closed. Although, he wasn’t sure why Phil was laughing at his answer. “I meant throughout your life,” he elaborated.

“Oh! Sorry. I started when I was six, and I had lessons for a couple of years. I stopped them, but I still played occasionally, until a few months ago when I picked it up again and started playing almost everyday.”

“I know I already said this, but you’re really good. I tried to learn violin. Until I got to my first lesson and the teacher kicked me out because I couldn’t hold the bow correctly.”

Dan couldn’t help but laugh at Phil’s misfortune. “Really? That’s awful!”

“Yup. I could have become the next great violinist. But, I guess we’ll never know,” he shrugged.

“She could have at least taught you how to hold it. You know, like teacher that she was.”

“Right? You’d think so, but no. She was less of a teacher, and more of a dictator.”

“My piano teacher was like that. She was the reason I ended up quitting my lessons.”

“Teachers like that are awful."

"Yeah. Anyway, I’ll let you get back to what you were doing before I interrupted you."

“Oh, okay!” Dan wasn’t sure, but he thought he saw Phil frown for a second, but then it turned into a smile. "Hopefully I’ll see you around!” 

“Yeah, it was nice talking with you,” Dan smiled politely. "Thanks again.” He raised his caramel latte slightly in the air, then made his way towards the door. 

As Dan walked outside, he was still in partial disbelief that someone not only thought he was talented, but was kind enough to pay for his drink and chat with him for a little while. He could imagine that he would ride this self esteem boost for days. He smiled to himself at the thought, and went to take a sip of what was left of his drink. To no surprise, it had gone lukewarm. Usually, this would have annoyed him. But at that moment, he was in too good of a mood to care.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Phil**

And that’s how it continued for the next two months. Anytime Phil would visit the cafe during the weekend, he would pay for Dan’s drink in advance, Dan would walk over to his table to thank him, and they would chat for a little while before Dan had to be on his way. It was starting to become one of Phil's favorite times of the week. 

The words on the computer screen all seemed to blur together as Phil tried to maintain focus. He needed to get all of the deadlines in order for this issue, but he couldn’t concentrate. His mind kept wandering. The following day was Saturday, meaning that Phil had the opportunity to see Dan. While Phil enjoyed talking with him, his thoughts now included what it would be like if they were together.

Throughout their conversations, Phil learned just how much they had in common. They both shared the same type of humor, were interested in the same bands, and recently, Phil learned that they shared a lot of the same values. It was hard for him to not look forward to those chats. Or to not look forward to the way Dan’s smile lit up his entire face. Or the way Dan’s laugh was infectious. 

It was silly. Phil knew that. They had only chatted with each other a handful of times, but Phil couldn’t stop thinking about him. He wanted to know what Dan’s favorite food was, what he was afraid of, what his biggest goal in life was, what he looked like when he woke up in the morning, what it would feel like to have his arms wrapped around him.

But, it had been so long since he had been on a date, that he wasn’t sure how to go about asking Dan. He always had a hard time gaining the courage to ask someone out. It was probably deeply rooted in his fear of rejection, but he didn't want to dwell on that for too long. He needed to figure out a way to ask Dan out. He could ask PJ. He always knew what to do.

Phil saved his work and started to walk to the other side of the office. When he approached PJ’s desk, he could see that he was wearing his headphones and was working diligently on something. In an attempt not to scare him, Phil tried to walk in his line of sight until he was practically leaning against his desk.

“Hey,” PJ greeted while taking off his headphones and hanging them around his neck.

“Hi. I have a dilemma,” Phil stated. He grabbed a chair from a nearby empty desk next to PJ. He sat down and leaned towards him a little to make sure his voice didn’t carry to the other side of the room. The rest of the office didn’t need to hear about his potential relationships.

“Okay. Shoot.”

“So, I’ve been thinking about asking Dan out.”

PJ laughed. “Here I thought you had a work-related dilemma.”

Phil laughed along with PJ, careful not to disturb the other people who were working. “Sorry, no. I can’t stop thinking about it, so I was wondering if you could help.”

“Yeah?”

He clasped his hands together before he started to speak. “So, I want to ask him out. But, I don’t want to be too forward, because what if he doesn’t want that? What if he just thinks of us as friends? If we even are that? Like, what if I’m just that annoying guy that Dan feels forced to talk to every week just because I bought him a drink? And even though we see each other almost every week, and talk for a while, actual dates make me so nervous and I always end up making a fool of myself.”

PJ tapped his index finger on his chin a few times while he was thinking of a solution.

“I think you’re overthinking this,” he started. "Why don’t you invite him over to our game night next week? That way, there’s no pressure of it being a formal date. We’ll all just be hanging out. And if he shows some interest, then you can ask him on an official date."

“See, this is why you’re in a relationship, and I’m not. You make it seem so easy.”

“What can I say? I’m just that smooth,” PJ joked.

“We both know that’s not true." 

“Hey! I can pretend."

Phil felt a little better about talking with Dan tomorrow. He wasn’t sure if he would have the courage to be able to invite him over once Dan was sitting in front of him. He was afraid that he would get to the point of asking him, but then either freeze up or change the subject entirely. But, he was at least going to try. It couldn't hurt, right?

 

*

The next day, Phil was admittedly distracted while he sat at his usual table in the cafe. Sometimes he brought his laptop to check social media or to get ahead with his work, other times he played games on his phone. Today, though, he decided to bring a book. He firmly held the book in his hands as he eyes scanned the page. He was so absorbed in the plot, that he hadn’t even realized Dan had stopped playing and was walking towards the counter to pick up his drink. He had only realized when Dan was standing right next to him.

“Oh! Hi!” Phil jumped when he looked up and saw Dan standing there.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Dan chuckled.

“You’re fine. I was just a little too into my book.” Phil dog-eared the corner of the page he was on and closed his book, sitting it on the table before him. He motioned to the chair sat opposite him for Dan to sit down.

“Thanks.” Dan raised his cup towards Phil before taking a sip from it.

“You don’t have to keep thanking me, you know,” Phil smiled as he watched Dan place the mug back onto the table.

“But you’re under no obligation to do it, and I never expect it, so I feel like I need to thank you,” Dan shrugged.

“Well, okay. I guess I can’t argue with that… So, you’ll never guess what happened to me this morning.”

“You found a hundred quid on the street,” Dan guessed.

Phil shook his head. “Nope.”

“You were abducted by aliens.”

“That would explain a lot, but try again.”

Dan hummed to himself as he thought about his next answer. “You found out that your mother is a cat.”

“Sadly, no. I had just left my place and this older guy, probably in his sixties, comes running up from behind me. He grabs onto my shoulders and says ‘They’re coming for us. They’re watching our every move and they’re coming for us!’ before running away."

“Did you hand him a tinfoil hat?”

“No, that isn’t something I usually carry with me. But, maybe I should start,” Phil pondered. “For whatever reason, I always attract the weirdest people.”

“I’m not one of those people, am I?” teased Dan.

“Nah, you’re probably one of the least strange people in here.” Phil looked to his left at a woman a few tables over from them. She wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary. She was sat at her table reading a book, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose every minute or so. "That lady over there, though, looks a bit suspicious,” he joked.

Dan followed Phil’s gaze. “Yup. Never trust a person with glasses.”

“Hey! I wear glasses,” Phil pouted playfully.

Dan narrowed his eyes at him and nodded slowly. “Exactly."

As they continued their conversation, Phil started to bounce his left leg up and down. He wasn’t sure why the thought of inviting Dan over made him so nervous. It wasn’t like he was going to ask him out on a proper date. He was just inviting him over to hang out with his friends. No pressure, just like PJ had said.

Once the jokes and laughter subsided, Phil decided to bring it up. His heart was pounding in his chest and he hoped Dan wasn't able to hear it. 

“So, I wanted to ask you… some of my friends are coming over next Saturday night for a pizza and board game night. Would you like to come?"

“Oh! Um, sure. What time?”

Phil fought back the smile that wanted to spread across his face. All of that worrying for nothing. 

“Is five too early?"

“Five sounds good. Is there anything you’d like me to bring?”

Phil shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

“Okay, cool. I’ll be there,” Dan smiled. 

Their conversation only lasted a few more minutes before Dan had to leave. Dan stood from his chair, said goodbye to Phil, and walked away. But, it was only a few seconds later when Dan returned and stood next to the table again, causing Phil to look up at him and close his book that he had just picked up.

“You know, knowing where you live might be helpful,” Dan smirked as he looked down at Phil.

“Right! That would help, wouldn’t it?” Phil wanted to slap himself. Of course he would forget one of the most important parts of inviting someone over to your house for the first time. He grabbed his phone out of his pocket. "Did you want to give me your number and I can text you my address?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Dan recited his phone number and Phil shot him a text causing Dan’s phone to ding a second later. He pulled out his phone to look at the message. “You only live a street over from me!”

“Well that’s convenient,” Phil muttered mostly to himself.  

Phil could have sworn he saw a light blush appear on Dan’s cheeks. “Okay, I’m actually leaving now. I’ll see you on Saturday."

After Dan had left, Phil wanted to run up to the counter and excitedly tell Sarah all that happened. Although for once, Sarah wasn’t working. But, he needed to tell someone. He was too excited to keep it to himself.

He pulled out his phone and sent PJ a quick message.

_guess who you get to meet on saturday???_

About a minute later, Phil received a text back from PJ with a shocked emoji, an excited emoji, and a thumbs up emoji. Phil smiled and put the phone back in his pocket. 

He couldn’t believe how giddy he was feeling about this. It wasn’t like Phil had asked Dan to marry him or anything. They were just going to be sitting around his place playing board games and eating pizza with some of his other friends. But, he couldn’t wipe the stupid smile off of his face. If this was what Phil felt like after simply asking Dan to hang out, maybe getting back into a relationship again wouldn't be so difficult after all. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

**Dan**

It was rare that Dan was invited to any social events outside of work. Occasionally, he would go out with his coworkers for a couple of drinks after a particularly hard day, but that was the extent of his social life anymore. For that reason, he was excited to go over to Phil’s. But, he was slightly anxious about meeting Phil’s other friends. He had hoped they were similar to Phil and they were easy to talk to. Dan had lucked out on meeting Phil; it was extremely easy to talk with him. But with meeting other people, Dan's social anxiety always went through the roof.

He glanced at the house numbers as he walked down the street that Phil lived on. Thirty, twenty-eight, twenty-six. Sixteen. There it was. He walked up to the second floor like Phil’s text had instructed, and he knocked a couple of times on the door. He only had a couple of seconds to make sure his hair was in order before Phil opened it.

“Hey Dan! Glad you could make it! Come on in!” Phil greeted with a large smile on his face. He stepped to the side and allowed Dan to walk in, while shutting the door behind him. Phil was speaking animatedly as if he had one cup of coffee too many that day. “My friends Felix and Marzia are already here. I’m just waiting on PJ and Sophie, who should be here soon. Then, we can get dinner ordered and start with some games!” 

Dan snickered at Phil’s over-excited nature.

“What?” Phil asked, with his head tilted to the side in interest.

“I hope you’re not planning on having any coffee with your dinner.”

“I won’t. Don’t worry. I may have had too many chocolate covered espresso beans earlier.” Phil looked at him guiltily. 

“I can tell.”

“Anyway, the lounge is this first door on the right, the second is the kitchen, the third is the bathroom, and my room’s at the end of the hall.” Phil explained as he walked Dan partially down the hallway. They walked as far as the kitchen when there was a knock on the front door. “That must be PJ and Sophie! You can head into the lounge if you’d like. That’s where Felix and Marzia are.” 

As Phil walked toward the front door to greet his other friends, Dan made his way to the lounge, while admiring Phil’s place. The hallway was narrow, but there were a few colorful graphic prints hung on the walls, as well as a house plant by the front door. 

Dan walked into the lounge and saw that there were two people sat at a wooden dining table, who he assumed were Marzia and Felix. 

“You must be Dan!” the guy announced. 

“Yup. And you must be Felix."

He nodded. “We’ve heard a lot about you.”

"Good things?” Dan asked with a raised brow. 

“…Sure…” Felix trailed off with an unsure expression.

Marzia waved her hand in dismissal. “Don’t listen to him. He’s too sarcastic for his own good. They’ve been good things. I’m Marzia.”

Dan smiled at both of them in return and sat across from them at the table.

From where he was seated, he had a good view of the rest of the room. The room itself was a good size. There was a fireplace opposite the sofa and next to the fireplace was a bookcase with movies, video games, and board games. There was a coffee table in front of the sofa with a bright colored rug underneath. A TV sat in the corner along with a couple of gaming consoles. Just like in the hallway, there were more colorful graphic prints hung on the walls. The final thing, or things, that were in the room were multiple houseplants. 

Phil wasn’t kidding the other week when he said he had an obsession with them. Maybe he should get a few for himself. Dan's apartment could use a little life. It would also give him a chance to care for something other than himself. Or, at least try. He never had a green thumb.

Just then, Phil, PJ, and Sophie walked into the room.

“There’s the infamous Dan!” PJ exclaimed.

“Here I am!” Dan replied. He wondered what Phil already told his friends about him. Did Phil talk about him often? The thought of that brought a faint blush to his cheeks.

After Sophie and Dan had been introduced to each other, everyone sat down at the table while Phil brought over a stack of board games. He set them on top of the table and Dan glanced over the selection. He had played one of them once before, he recognized the name of another, but the others, he had never heard of. 

 

*

 

About an hour later, Marzia had just rolled a twelve, deeming her the winner of the second game. She did a small victory dance in her chair, when there was a knock on the front door. 

“That must be the pizza!” Phil announced, while getting up from his chair and walking out into the hallway.

Once Phil had left the room, PJ turned toward Dan.

“So Dan, I don’t mean to put you on the spot—“ PJ started.

“Uh oh,” muttered Dan. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, anticipating what PJ had to say.

“But what are your opinions of Phil?”

“My opinions of him? Well, I enjoy talking with him, he seems like a cool guy, and tonight’s been pretty fun so far.” Dan figured he should leave out that he had the nicest eyes he’d ever seen and he had been making weekly appearances in his dreams.

“Would you ever consider going on a date with him?” At that point, the rest of them seemed intrigued in what Dan’s response was going to be. PJ, Sophie, Felix, and Marzia all looked at him expectantly. 

“Uh,” Dan stalled. Would he ever go out on a date with Phil? He enjoyed his company and thought he was attractive, but Dan wasn’t sure if he was in the right mental state yet for another relationship. If it were a few months down the road where he could be in a better state of mind, then sure. But, as of that moment, Dan didn’t have a definite answer. “Maybe? It depen—“

Just as Dan was about to finish his thought, Phil walked into the room and everyone diverted their attention to him. 

“Is everything alright in here…?” Phil trailed off as he looked around the room at everyone.

“Yup! Totally good! Nothing to see here!” PJ smiled innocently.

“Alright,” Phil eyed PJ suspiciously. “Well, the pizza is all set up in the kitchen. So help yourselves."

One by one, they stood up from their chairs and walked into the kitchen. It was a small and narrow room, with white cabinets only on one side. Phil had set all of the pizzas within boxes out on the counter. Dan grabbed a plate off of the kitchen counter and stood behind PJ as he waited to grab a couple of slices. 

When he moved forward in line, Dan’s breath hitched as he felt Phil place his hand on the middle of his back. It wasn’t forceful by any means, it was barely noticeable, but the touch caused Dan to flinch. Phil removed his hand, and scooted his way past Dan in order to get to the other end of the kitchen.

“Sorry. I just need to grab some things out of the cabinet.”

Phil reached up into the cabinet next to Dan in order to grab some glasses for drinks. 

Even after Phil had removed his hand, walked past him, and exited the kitchen without further incident, Dan still felt on edge. He could hear his own heart racing as he tried to regulate his breathing. Dan had to remind himself that his ex wasn't there. It was Phil and his friends. He was fine. He kept his head down low as he focused on placing a slice of the margherita pizza onto his plate.

It was embarrassing, really, how such a simple thing could illicit such a reaction from Dan. He should have been able to interact normally with people without being on the verge of a panic attack. But, he guessed that’s what happened when you had a shitty ex-boyfriend. There were things that used to be second nature that had become almost unbearable now.

He hoped that Phil hadn’t noticed the extent of his reaction. He didn’t want to be labeled ’the person who couldn’t handle human touch’, even if it was true. But, with the way he was chatting with Marzia, it seemed like he didn’t even notice. 

Once everyone had finished with their dinner, they all sat back down at the table. 

Dan couldn’t stop thinking about his involuntary reaction to Phil’s hand on his back. It had never occurred to him how bad his aversion to human contact actually was. Aside from the people he talked to at work, he didn’t really see many other people. Especially people who initiated contact with him. Maybe he was worse off than he originally thought.

“Dan?” Phil asked. 

Dan was fixated on a game piece from the game they had played before dinner. Once he heard his name, he looked up at Phil. “Yeah?”

“I asked if you had a preference for which game we played next."

“Sorry. I haven’t heard of the rest of them, so it doesn’t matter to me."

Dan would be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t having a good time tonight. He enjoyed hanging out with Phil and his friends. They seemed like genuinely nice people. They shared a lot of laughs and Dan hoped they would be able to do this again. Just hopefully with less physical contact. He definitely needed to work on that.

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

**Phil**

Phil looked around the office before he started to respond to the last couple of emails for the day. Since it was a Friday just after five, most of the other employees had already left. It was only Phil and a couple of people from another department who were still working. Typically, he tried to get out of the office on time, but there were a couple of things that had been on his to do list all day that he hadn't gotten a chance to get to. He was in the middle of an email when PJ walked by.

“I’m heading out. I’ll see you on Monday,” PJ stated.

Phil looked up from his screen. “Alright. Have a good weekend,” he smiled.

"Don't stay too late."

"I won't. I just need to finish a few things and then I'll be off."

PJ gave him a slight wave before walking away, and Phil returned his attention to his work. Before PJ got to the door, he turned around and walked back to Phil’s desk. Phil raised an eyebrow at him as he did so.

“Are you seeing Dan tomorrow?” PJ asked.

“Probably.”

"Okay. I may or may not have asked him if he’d go on a date with you,” he trailed off, looking fearful of Phil’s response. 

Phil’s eyes widened. “What? I told you not to ask him that!” he whispered harshly, not wanting to disturb the other couple of people still working.

“Sorry! I figured you’d still want to know!”

He sighed. PJ was sometimes too stubborn for his own good. “So, what did he say?”

“See? You do want to know!” he smirked. 

Phil rolled his eyes. “Only because you have the answer now.”

“He said maybe. He started to say ‘it depends’, but then you walked in.”

Phil raised an eyebrow in intrigue. “Is that why everyone was staring at me when I said the pizza was ready?” he asked.

“Yup.”

He had wondered what had gone on in his lounge that night for everyone to stop their conversation and look at him once he walked into the room. 

“Alright. Well, a maybe isn’t a no. I guess I’ll ask him out to dinner and see how it goes.”

As much as Phil wanted to be annoyed that PJ had asked Dan, he was relieved that he knew where Dan stood. He didn’t want to waste his time and nerves on asking him out on a date, only to get rejected. Although, he was curious as to what Dan meant if he said ‘it depends’. Hopefully everything would go smoothly.

 

*

 

Phil nervously smoothed out his button up shirt as he leaned against the exterior of the restaurant. His eyes darted around, looking at all of the commuters who passed by him on the sidewalk eagerly walking home. There was a man in a suit who was talking very purposefully on his phone, there was a woman who was attempting to weave in and out of the pedestrians, clearly in a rush to get somewhere. But, no Dan. He knew he was early; he and Dan had agreed on six. Even though he still had five minutes, that didn’t stop him from keeping an eye out for him.

The longer he waited, the more nervous he was getting. He wasn’t worried that Dan was going to blow him off, but rather how the date was going to go. He supposed that a dinner date wasn’t much different from their usual chats at the cafe, except with higher stakes. 

It had been so long since Phil had been on a date, and he really hoped he wasn’t going to ruin it. He liked Dan a lot, and he didn’t want this to be the last time they saw each other.

He continued to watch the people who walked by, until he spotted him. He was wearing all black, as always, but instead of a variation of a black t-shirt that he usually wore, he was wearing a nicely fitting black button up shirt. Just looking at him made butterflies flutter around Phil’s stomach.

“Hey,” Dan greeted once he walked up to Phil.

“Hey. You look really nice.”

“Thanks,” Dan smiled as a faint blush appeared on his cheeks. “So do you.”

Phil smiled and opened the door for Dan. “Shall we?"

They had decided on a new Japanese restaurant that had opened a couple of months ago. The interior was very sleek and modern with red, black, white, and wooden accents. Once Phil told the hostess they had reservations, she led them to a table for two towards the back of the restaurant.

As they sat down at their table, Phil started to calm down. It was only Dan. There was no reason to be overly anxious. After their food was ordered, they began to talk about what had happened in their lives since they had seen each other last. 

“Why aren’t you using your chopsticks?” Dan asked with a quizzical look once their food had arrived.

Phil shrugged. “I don’t know how to use them.”

“Really?”

Phil nodded his head. Dan reached across the table and took Phil’s chopsticks, broke them in half, and handed them back to Phil. Phil took them in his hand, but then looked up at Dan.

“Rest the first one in the space between your thumb and index finger.” Phil did as he was told. "Yup. Just like that. Now keep it in place with the edge of your ring finger. And now take the other one between your thumb and index fingers.”

“Like this?” he demonstrated, touching the ends of the chopsticks together.

“Yup! That’s it.”

Phil attempted to pick up a piece of sushi, only to repeatedly drop it back onto his plate. After a few tries, he was able to pick it up with enough time to bring it towards his mouth, only to drop it onto the plate again. Dan was laughing hysterically as Phil placed his chopsticks back on his napkin. Phil laughed along with Dan. His laugh was contagious. 

 

*

 

The rest of their dinner went well; Phil didn’t make a fool of himself for a second time. After they had left the restaurant, they decided to walk around the city for a little while before heading home. It was a nice night out. The days were getting longer, and the nights weren’t as cold as they had been.

They were walking along one of the busier roads, when Phil saw a police officer on a horse. He had been walking on Dan’s left next to the road, but he walked behind Dan and stood on his right side to avoid it.

“Sorry, I’m kind of afraid of horses,” he apologized when Dan gave him a questioning look.

“What do you mean you’re afraid of horses? What did they ever do to you?”

“I don’t trust them! Their faces, their legs… what are their motives?"

“You’re ridiculous,” Dan chuckled while shooting Phil a fond glance. 

“Yeah? Like you don’t have any weird fears?” Phil challenged playfully with a smile on his face.

“Well, I’m afraid of trees,” Dan said quietly.

“What? That’s even more irrational than mine is!” he laughed. 

“Hear me out. Not trees in the daytime. Those are pretty nice. But trees at night when they’re looming over you in the darkness.”

“And how often do you find yourself in the woods in the middle of the night?"

“Shut up,” Dan pouted as he looked toward the ground. Phil glanced over and saw that he had a smile on his face, despite the pout. God, he was so cute. All Phil wanted to do was smother him in a giant hug. Although, he figured this probably wasn’t the time or the place for that. Instead, he glanced down at Dan’s right hand. Unfortunately, it was stuffed in his pocket, or else he would have taken his hand and intertwined their fingers. 

They continued to walk, commenting on all of the strange things that they had passed, and before Phil knew it, they were standing in front of his place.

“I had a really great time tonight.”

“So did I. Thanks again for dinner.”

“Of course,” Phil smiled.

Phil stared into Dan’s hazelnut brown eyes before glancing down at his lips. He leaned forward slightly as his lips grazed Dan’s. Almost immediately, Dan placed two hands on Phil’s shoulders and pushed him away. Phil stumbled backwards and then looked at Dan with furrowed brows. Under the light of the street lamps, he could have sworn he saw fear etched in Dan’s face as he began to slowly walk backwards, away from Phil.

“I can’t do this. I’m sorry, I-I have to go,” Dan rambled as he quickly turned around and walked away. 

Phil just stood there in shock as he watched Dan walk further and further away with his head down low and his hands stuffed in his pockets. The sound of his shoes scuffing against the sidewalk echoed against the brick buildings. Once Dan turned the corner and was no longer in sight, Phil sighed and walked up the steps to his front door. He fumbled with his keys before he was able to open the door and stepped into his apartment. 

Normally, Phil would lounge on the sofa and immediately turn on his laptop to get sucked into the depths of the internet. Not tonight. Tonight, Phil rigidly sat in the center of his sofa and stared at the opposite end of his living room as he replayed his night with Dan over and over again. His chest psychically ached. Had he been reading this all wrong? He thought things had gone really well. With all of their flirting and shy glances throughout the night, he thought for sure that Dan had liked him.

Now, he felt like an idiot. He should have asked permission before he leaned in. Even though he thought he knew what Dan was feeling, clearly he didn’t, and now he probably ruined what he and Dan had. He needed to apologize.

He grabbed his phone and immediately starting composing a text to him. 

_I’m really sorry if I completely read things wrong. I would still like to be friends though if you’d like. I think you’re pretty cool._

Once he deemed the message sufficient, he hit send, and stared at the screen, anxiously awaiting Dan’s response. He got his hopes up when he saw something pop up on his screen, until he realized what it was.

 

_Read 9:36pm._

When a few minutes passed and Phil realized he wasn’t going to get a response from Dan, he tossed his phone onto the other side of the sofa in defeat. 

“Why can’t I do anything right?” he groaned as he threw his head back and threaded his fingers in his hair.

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

**Dan**

It was Thursday. And on Thursdays at 5:30pm, Dan went to go visit Dr. Harrison. She was a psychologist whose office was only a couple of blocks from where Dan worked. He started to see her just a couple of days after What Had Happened. He didn’t like it at first because it was difficult to talk about. But once he was over that hurdle, the discussions turned more into how he can go back to living a more normal life and less about retelling his past. 

Today, however, he was anxious about seeing Dr. Harrison for the first time in a while. She knew about Phil. And she also knew that Dan had been a lot happier since knowing Phil. But, this was the first time when Dan’s past had gotten in the way of him getting to know him. 

“How are we feeling today, Dan?” Dr. Harrison asked as she sat down in her overstuffed armchair and grabbed her steno pad. This was the question that started off every session. Dan would give her a short response to how he was doing, and then they would go on from there. 

“Alright,” he shrugged as he made himself comfortable on the floral sofa. It always reminded him of the sofa his grandmother had, which had comforted him during his first appointment way back when. 

“Just alright? You were feeling ‘really good’ last week. Did something happen between then and now?”

Dan rung his hands together before he spoke. “Well, I saw Phil last night and we were having a really good time. We went out for dinner and then we walked around the city for a while. I offered to walk him home since we live close to each other. As we were saying goodbye, he leaned in and kissed me, and I-I pushed him away. I was scared— I am scared. I like him a lot, but I don’t know if I’m ready to move forward with whatever he and I are becoming.”

Dr. Harrison wrote some notes on her steno pad before looking up at Dan.

“Have you told Phil that you’re not sure if you’re ready?”

“No. He doesn’t even know about anything that happened. After I pushed him away, I left as quickly as I could.” More writing. “Then when I got home, he sent me a text saying how he was sorry if he read things wrong and how he would still like to be friends.”

“Did you respond to his text?”

Dan looked down at his lap and shook his head. “No. I probably should have though, now that I look back on it."

“And what would you have said?”

“That he wasn’t reading things wrong, but I don’t want to move too quickly.” Dan didn’t like the constant questioning at the beginning of every session with Dr. Harrison. He felt like he was being interrogated. But, he knew that the questions only helped structure what they would talk about for the next hour, so he needed to tell her as much as possible. Even if he didn’t want to talk about it. “And then after he sent that text, I had a panic attack,” he added quietly.

“And what number would you say that was?” On Dr. Harrison’s scale, a one was just a tight chest feeling, while a ten was extreme shaking, sobbing, hyperventilating, and dizziness ultimately resulting in passing out. Unfortunately, Dan had used every number on the scale so far. 

“A six.” A six consisted of shaking, sobbing, and short breaths.

“And how long would you say that lasted?”

“Twenty minutes?"

“Could you tell me what you were thinking during that time?”

Dan started to pick at a loose thread on the sofa cushion. He thought back to the night before when he was sitting on the floor with his back against his bed, as he tried to regain control of his breathing while tears streamed down his face. “There was a lot going through my head. I felt scared because thoughts of Jake came back and then I started to think about what if Phil is like that too? And then I felt guilty because I’m going to need a lot of time to get used to things, and Phil might not want that. He might not want to wait for me to gain the courage to hold his hand, let alone kiss him or stay overnight at his place. And then I felt angry because of what made me this way and what a hinderance it has become."

“That’s understandable. From what I’ve heard, it sounds like Phil is a very caring person. If he truly cares about you, I’m sure he’ll wait until you’re comfortable enough to do certain things. Even though things aren’t back to normal yet, you are making really good progress, especially since you met Phil, and that is something to be proud of," she paused for a second. “Do you remember what thoughts stopped your panic attack?”

“I told myself that everything I was thinking were ‘what if’s and things that haven’t even happened yet, which calmed me down.”

“That’s good. There’s nothing wrong with thinking about the future, but there is no reason to worry about scenarios that might not even happen." 

“How do I know if I can trust him, though? I thought that with Jake when we first started dating, and then look what happened,” Dan started to bite his nail on his index finger. 

"I would tell him that you want to take it slow. And if he accepts and respects that, then that’s a good sign.”

"Should I tell Phil what happened?"

“If you feel comfortable telling him what happened, then you can. But, don’t feel pressured to tell him every detail if you aren’t up to it. I do feel like telling one more person about what happened would be good for you. It would add another person to your support system. Again, you don’t have to do it until you’re ready— just something to think about."

Dan nodded. The thought of someone else knowing about What Had Happened comforted him. He would have someone else to support him; only his parents and Dr. Harrison knew at that moment. It would be nice to have someone else to turn to when he was having a hard time. Although, he didn’t want to use Phil as a crutch to get better. He wanted to get better on his own with Phil by his side.

“What are you thinking about, Dan?” Dr. Harrison’s voice broke his concentration from a beach scene hanging on the wall that he didn’t realize he had been staring at. 

“Do you think that I might be using Phil as a crutch?” he asked while looking over at her. 

“From what it sounds, I don’t think you're using him as a crutch. Would you have wanted to be in a relationship with him if your past hadn’t happened?”

“Yeah.”

“Then there you go,” she smiled. “Instead of thinking that it’ll be him who is helping you, think about the relationship helping you. The bond that the two of you have is going to make you stronger. There’s no guilt in that.”

“Okay,” he nodded. That was a good way to look at it. Dan certainly wasn’t going to stop Phil from helping him if that’s what he wanted to do, but he didn’t want that to be the point of them being in a relationship. He wanted to be with Phil because of who he was, not just because he wanted to learn to trust again.

What he truly wanted was to be in a normal relationship and not let his fears get in the way. That would be ideal. But, he knew that was going to be nearly impossible with the current state he was in. They would definitely need to take things slow, but first, they needed to talk.

Dr. Harrison was writing more notes from their conversation onto her steno pad when Dan spoke up. “I think— I think I’m gonna tell Phil this weekend. I don’t know how much I’ll be able to tell him, but I’m gonna try. He deserves somewhat of an explanation." 

“How are you feeling about the thought of possibly telling him?”

“I’m a little nervous. I think once I tell him, I’ll feel a lot better. I just hope that he doesn’t respond negatively."

It had been months since he had told the entire story about What Had Happened. The last time had been when he first met Dr. Harrison, and telling her took almost the entire session. He would definitely need to monologue in front of his bathroom mirror a few times before he would feel comfortable enough to tell Phil. He just hoped that Phil would be willing to see him after he had pushed him away. 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

**Phil**

Three days had passed and Phil still hadn’t heard anything from Dan. With every text he had gotten since Wednesday night, he would quickly grab his phone and check who it was. And every time, he would be disappointed because it wasn’t him. 

Usually on a Saturday, Phil would consider going to the cafe. Except Dan probably wouldn’t want to see him today. That thought hurt, but he figured it was his own damn fault. If he wasn’t so forward, he wouldn’t be in this situation. He would just need to wait for Dan to contact him… if he ever did.

Phil was enjoying his bowl of cereal for breakfast while watching some sort of home renovation show. He was getting really into what the designer had proposed to the couple when his phone went off. As he had for the past couple of days, he immediately grabbed his phone to see who sent the message, and his heart fluttered when he saw Dan’s name pop up on the screen. 

_Could we meet today? There’s something I need to tell you._

Phil’s eyebrows knitted together. So, maybe there was more to the story than Phil rushing things, which was a relief. Curious, he immediately replied.

_We can meet today. Did you want to come over to mine? I’ll be here all day._

Dan had agreed to come over to Phil’s around one. While Phil was grateful that Dan wasn’t avoiding him, he tried not to think about what Dan needed to tell him. He locked his phone, set it down beside him on the sofa, and looked around the room. He definitely needed to straighten up before Dan got there. That would stop his mind from going through a thousand different scenarios.

*

When Phil opened the door around one o'clock, Dan looked like he hadn’t slept at all the night before. His eyes were bloodshot, there were purple bags starting to form beneath his eyes, and his hair was beginning to curl. If Phil was honest, he looked awful. Whatever Dan needed to tell him today clearly kept him up last night.

“Hey,” Phil greeted as he stepped to the side to let Dan in.

Dan only gave a muted smile in return before walking inside. 

“Could we sit in your lounge?” Dan asked timidly, his voice seeming small. 

“Of course.” 

Phil closed the door before they both walked into the lounge. Dan walked in first and chose to sit on the far side of the sofa, closest to the window. In order to give him some space, Phil sat on the opposite end. Both of them sat in silence for a minute or so, until Dan finally spoke.

“I guess I should start from the beginning, huh?” Dan sighed as he raked his fingers through his hair and brought his hair into a quiff. Phil could see that his hands were visibly shaking. And just like the other day, he wanted to take his hand in his, but this time for comfort and reassurance.

From the beginning of what, Phil wasn’t sure. But, he was anxious to know if it was making Dan this anxious. “Whatever is easiest.”

Dan took a deep, shaky breath before he began. He looked down at his lap as he began talking.

“About three years ago, I met this guy named Jake. I was twenty at the time and he was twenty-six. We met through a friend and we instantly hit it off. He was my first real boyfriend. We liked the same bands, TV shows, had the same humor— I thought that things would go great. 

"And things did go great for the first few months. But, one day I was over at a friend’s to finish up a group project for one of my university courses, and when I met up with Jake later that night at his place, he accused me of cheating on him and he slapped me. Hard. I had a bruise on my cheek for a few days. Once he realized what he did, he immediately apologized, and I thought that was that.

“But as time wore on, things got progressively worse. He continued to accuse me of cheating on him whenever I was around another guy, but instead of slapping me across the face, he would punch me, or shove me against the wall. By then, he didn’t apologize afterwards. After he was done yelling at me and hitting me, he would just walk into the other room like nothing had happened.

“So, I stopped seeing people outside of my classes. Anything to save myself from not getting hit again. I hoped that it would help and maybe our relationship would go back to how it used to be. Instead, I fell into a deep depression as I drifted farther from my friends and he found other things to lash out about. I disagreed with him? A slap to the face. I didn’t say that I loved him back? A punch to the chest. I didn’t want to have sex?”

Dan paused, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes and looked up at Phil, Phil could see that his eyes were brimming with tears.

“You don’t need to tell me everything if you don’t want to,” Phil said softly.

Dan shook his head as a tear fell. “No, I need to. I need to do this. I just need a minute.” 

“Okay. Take your time.”

Dan took a few more deep breaths before continuing.

“I-I was scared to leave him. I was afraid he was going to find me s-somehow and do something even worse to me. One night he had gotten so mad that he started punching me and I fell on the floor and then he proceeded to kick me. I don’t know how long it went on for, I just know that when he was finished, I saw a pool of blood on the tile floor and I realized it was coming from me. I grabbed my phone, which was luckily still in my pocket, and I called the police.

“He was pissed when he heard the officers banging on the door. No, more than pissed. He was furious. Luckily, I was close enough to the front door where I was able to stumble my way over to it and open it before he could do anything. He was charged with domestic assault and I was taken to hospital so they could make sure I didn’t have any broken bones or internal bleeding or anything.

“Afterwards, I moved, changed my phone number, and changed my job, just so he wouldn’t be able to find me. I was then put on depression medication and sent to therapy to try and help deal with everything. And all of that was about eight months ago,” he finished quietly.

Holy shit. Phil was not expecting Dan to tell him something that traumatizing. If he had guessed, it would have been something like Dan was already in a relationship, or he was going to be moving soon. Not that he had an abusive ex-boyfriend.

His heart ached at the thought of someone wanting to deliberately hurt Dan and all of the pain Dan must have gone through because of it. Although, Dan’s previous actions all started to make sense— him flinching away from contact, him trying to distance himself from Phil, and him pushing Phil away after he kissed him. It caused a lump to form in Phil’s throat. And even though he felt like crying, he knew he had to maintain his composure in front of Dan right now. But, he was at a loss for words. 

“Dan-“ Phil started as he reached his hand out to comfort him, but then stopped himself. “Can I hug you?”

At first, Phil wasn’t sure if Dan had even heard him. He continued to look at his hands which were resting in his lap, occasionally wiping away tears that continued to fall. But, after a minute, Dan nodded slightly.

Phil gingerly scooted closer to him. Once Phil wrapped his arms securely around him, Dan broke down. Sobs wracked through his body as he wrapped his arms around Phil’s back and cried into his shoulder. Phil honestly wasn’t sure if he had ever seen someone cry so hard before. It was absolutely heartbreaking.

Softly, Phil slowly rubbed his thumb along Dan’s back to help calm him down. He didn’t want to do anything that would make him feel uncomfortable, so he figured that was probably the safest option at that point. And after a couple of minutes, Dan’s breathing started to regulate, even though he was still crying.

“I honestly don’t even know what to say other than I’m really sorry that you had to go through that."

“You don’t need to say anything. I just needed to get that out there,” Dan mumbled into his shoulder. 

“I’m glad you told me. I know that must have taken a lot."

Even as his crying subsided, Phil could feel that Dan was still trembling from anxiety. 

“Would you like some tea?” Phil asked quietly once Dan let go. 

Dan nodded and sniffed slightly. His eyes were red and puffy. “That would be great, thanks.”

“I’ll be right back."

Phil wasn’t only going to make a cup of tea for Dan, but he also wanted to grab a warm blanket and a damp cloth for his face. Anything to help calm him down.

When Phil came back into the lounge, Dan looked like he was going to start crying again once he saw everything that was piled in Phil’s arms. Phil first handed Dan the blanket. 

“You didn’t have to do all of this,” he said as he wrapped the blanket around his shoulders. 

“It’s the least I can do,” Phil smiled as he handed over the cool cloth and placed Dan’s tea on the coffee table in front of him. 

Phil sat down in the same spot as before, while Dan lightly pressed the cloth underneath both of his eyes. 

“I’m sorry that I pushed you away and then ignored you. I really should have responded to you,” Dan confessed before taking a sip of his tea.

“Hey, there’s no need to apologize. It’s fine. I should be the one apologizing— I had no idea.”

“I-I like you a lot. I’m just— I’m so scared,” Dan whispered as he gazed at the cup of tea in his hands.

Phil opened his arms, silently asking if Dan wanted another hug. When Dan looked up at Phil, he placed his mug on the coffee table and graciously accepted Phil’s offer. 

“It’s alright to be scared. If you want to do this, we can move at a snail’s pace if you need,” Phil murmured into Dan’s ear. “I’m here for you.”

“Thank you,” Dan whimpered as Phil held him tighter. He felt a couple of tears hit the fabric on his shoulder. 

Phil knew that a relationship with Dan wasn’t going to be easy after everything he’d been through. It would take time in order to gain his trust, and there would probably be hardships that they would need to overcome as a couple. But, Phil was willing to make that sacrifice.

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

**Dan**

Dan watched as the scenery of trees, fields, and houses flew past him as the train raced along the track. Currently, he was only a few miles outside of London, but he was always amazed at how quickly the scenery changed from high rises and concrete to single homes and large expanses of land. He continued to stare out the window as the constant sound of the train going over the tracks brought him into an almost trance-like state. 

He was on his way to visit his parents for an early birthday celebration. His birthday was later in the week, and his mother had said something about not being able to do it the weekend after because of having to pick up his brother from something. He wasn’t entirely sure. Not that it mattered to him all that much. He still got to see them, and now his actual birthday was freed up for him and Phil to spend together.

He was never terribly close with his parents when he was growing up. Even when he finished school and got a steady job, he only saw them for birthdays and holidays. But, after shit had hit the fan with Jake, he, his mother, and his father had grown a lot closer. They supported him through all of the changes that he made in order to start fresh and try to get his life back to normal as much as possible. Now, he talked to his parents at least once a week.

He enjoyed going home to visit them. Not only did he enjoy seeing them, but going home reminded him of simpler, less stressful times. The times when all he had to worry about was school work and the next party the popular kids were throwing. The times when there were no worries about work, or relationships, or crippling mental health issues. And sometimes, well, most of the time, he craved that feeling of simplicity.

His phone vibrated which caused him to break concentration with the outside landscape. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it. It was from Phil.

 

_Have fun with your parents today :)_

 

Dan smiled to himself. Although at that moment, it had occurred to him that he had never heard Phil talk about his family. Dan had mentioned his when he was telling Phil about the family vacations they used to go on when he was younger, but he couldn't remember a time when Phil had mentioned his. He just hoped that the rest of Phil's family was as nice as Phil was.

_Thanks :) we’re going out for italian so they may need to roll me back home after I eat the entire restaurant_

Phil replied not even a minute later.

_I hope you didn’t pay for a train ticket home then!_

Dan laughed to himself. Luckily, there wasn’t anyone sitting next to him to shoot him strange looks. 

_I think I would have bigger problems on my hands than paying for a return trip_

 

He chose a laughing emoji to put at the end of his text and pressed send. 

He had become so distracted with texting Phil that he almost missed the conductor announce his stop. Once he heard him over the intercom, he quickly stood up, put his phone back into his pocket, and made his way to the front of the train car. Luckily, it was a nice day outside, which meant that he was able to walk to his parent’s house and enjoy the fresh air. 

 

*

 

Later that day, after he had hung around the house for a little while with his parents, they headed into town to get dinner at one of Dan's favorite Italian restaurants. It was the place they always went to for Dan's birthdays, but he wasn't complaining. The atmosphere was nice, and the food was delicious.

“So, how are things?” his mother asked as the server placed their drinks on the table in front of them. Dan knew she wasn’t asking this as a filler question to get a conversation started, but rather because she genuinely wanted to know how Dan’s mental health was.

“Good, actually. I, uh, met someone.”

Both of his parents looked at him with wide eyes. They knew every detail about What Had Happened, so their shock wasn't all that surprising to Dan. They were concerned for his safety and wellbeing, and were probably wondering if he was making the right decision so soon. 

It actually wasn't until What Had Happened when Dan and his parents became close. While he was growing up, his parents left him alone for the most part and didn't get too involved with anything he did. After he left for school and ultimately graduated, he came home for holidays and birthdays, but that was about it. He didn't talk with them much otherwise. But now, while he still didn't come home all that often, he kept in touch with his parents in between the times when he did. Although he was grateful, it was a shame that what it took for them to get to this point was for Dan to call them sobbing from the hospital as he explained everything that happened over the last three years. 

“Really? That’s great!” his mother exclaimed. 

“Yeah,” he smiled. “His name is Phil.”

“How did you two meet?” his father asked. 

“We met at the cafe that I play piano at on the weekends. He was there while I was playing, and he payed for my drink that I usually get once I leave. I went over to his table to thank him, and we started talking. That was, jeez, three or four months ago. Yesterday I finally told him everything, and it went really well, so we’re taking things slow."

"That's lovely. I hope it works out well for you."

"So do I. He reacted to everything the way I was hoping he would, so so far so good."

It was still so foreign to him to think of Phil as his boyfriend. He was certainly happy about it, but it was strange. After everything that had happened, he thought it would take him at least a year before he felt okay enough to even pursue that option again. But, he was proud of himself for opening up to Phil and being brave enough to start a relationship with him. It was a big step. 

 

*

 

After Dan had eaten a bowl of pasta that was larger than his head, and his parents finished with their meals as well, they headed back to the house. His mother had made him one of her famous chocolate cakes, and even though he was stuffed from dinner, he had a slice anyway. He could never say no to that cake, especially if it was for his birthday.

He stayed there for another hour or so before he decided he should catch a train home. It was getting late, and he unfortunately had to go to work in the morning. His parents walked him to the door to say goodbye.

“Happy early birthday. Love you.”

“Thanks. Love you too,” Dan said as he hugged his father. 

Surprisingly, hugs were the one form of contact he was okay with. When he first realized this, it had confused him, until he had brought it up to Dr. Harrison one day. She had explained that because hugs were given by friends and family, and not so often from Jake, they weren’t ruined for him. That was a relief, because sometimes he really needed a hug, like at Phil’s yesterday.

Next, he hugged his mother. 

“Love you, bear.”

“Love you too, mum."

His mother pulled away and smiled up at him. “I’m really happy for you and I hope that we get to meet him whenever you two are at that stage.”

“Me too. I think you guys will like him,” he smiled in return.

“I’m sure we will. Especially if his texts make you smile that much.”

A blush rose to Dan’s cheeks. Throughout the day, Phil had sent him a few funny and cute texts, which brought a smile to Dan’s face whenever he read them. “I didn’t realize it was that obvious.”

“It’s not a bad thing, I’m just happy that you’re happy.” Dan gave her another small smile. “Anyway, I’ll let you go. I don’t want you to miss your train."

Dan said his final goodbye and started his walk to the train station. 

He hoped to be able to bring Phil here one day and introduce him to his parents and show him around the town he grew up in. He wanted to show him his teenage bedroom. He wanted to show him where he used to hang out with his friends. He wanted to sit around the lounge as his mother showed Phil embarrassing photos of himself. He wanted all of it. 

Although, there was always that thought in the back of his mind that maybe things wouldn’t stay like this, and he would fall into another abusive relationship. Of course, he knew that Phil was a kind person from what he had experienced over the past couple of months. But, the thought was always there. He was just hoping that Phil would prove him wrong.

 


	9. Chapter 9

 

**Phil**

Ever since Dan had told Phil everything, Phil was constantly worried about fucking things up. He was afraid he was going to say the wrong thing, or move too quickly, or not say the right thing, and then Dan would leave. And that was the last thing he wanted. He wanted this to work out between them, but he had absolutely no idea how to progress this relationship given Dan’s past.

And he also had no idea on how to figure it out. There really wasn’t anyone who he could go to that would understand his issue. Well, there was one thing he could try. There was always Google.

He was supposed to meet Dan at his place in about twenty minutes. It was his birthday, and Phil had promised to take him out wherever he wanted. But before he left, he wanted to know how to move forward for Dan’s sake. He wanted Dan to feel as comfortable as possible when they were together. He couldn’t make Dan forget about his previous relationship, but he could create happy memories with him that would help overshadow the bad ones.

Phil quickly logged onto his computer and opened up his browser. He thought about what to type in the search bar. He decided on ‘how to be in a relationship with someone who was abused.’ He scrolled through the first page of results, but the majority of them were about how to get out of an abusive relationship. He went on to the second page, and saw an article called ‘Dating Someone Who Used To Be in an Abusive Relationship.’ Bingo. He clicked on it and immediately started to read.

 

_Starting a relationship with anyone can be a daunting experience. You’re learning about the other person while getting comfortable with them. But, if you’re in a relationship with someone who used to be in an abusive relationship, it can be even more daunting. Not only are you learning about their past, but they are also trying to figure out if they can trust you._

_Let them take the lead_

_Especially in the case of a physically abusive relationship, physical touch may be difficult. Allow them to take the lead in physical situations. Let them lean in for a kiss, let them reach over to hold your hand, let them initiate intimacy. This way, they will be more in control of what is going on and will start to feel more comfortable._

_Don’t try and be a hero_

_It’s normal to feel like you want to help them become more comfortable in a relationship again. You may ask them what pace they want to take things at and whether or not they’re comfortable with certain things. Be respectful of their needs, but don’t make your main focus of the relationship to help them. Ultimately, the relationship should be about the two of you getting to know each other. They need to get through this on their own._

_Manage your negative emotions_

_If you are the type of person who wears their heart on their sleeve, you may want to scale back how often you show your negative emotions, especially if the person who you are with was in a verbally abusive relationship. If you are feeling any negative emotions, be sure to talk with them about it, rather than at them._

_Provide heartfelt compliments and engage in meaningful conversations_

_This one might seem obvious. Of course you would want to compliment and have meaningful conversations with whoever you’re with. But for someone who was in an abusive relationship, it is important to get reassurance that someone is listening and that someone cares about them and their opinion._

 

The first one was probably going to be the most difficult for Phil. He was a very affectionate person by nature, so he was going to have to constantly remind himself to allow Dan to make the moves first. He had done pretty well so far, minus the kissing incident, of course. It was just something he would need to be constantly aware of. At least he had somewhat of an idea on how to move forward.

 

*

 

Once Phil decided he was presentable enough, he walked to Dan's place. It was a short walk, taking him the longer part of five minutes, but he enjoyed the fresh air nonetheless. It wasn't unbearably hot like it had been the previous week, and he thought it might be nice if the two of them took a walk tonight. It was all up to Dan, really. It was his birthday, after all. But, Phil knew that Dan wasn't the one to go all out on special occasions. He wasn't the type to want to go to a bar or a club and go all out. Phil knew that he much preferred something more low key, like going out to dinner or staying in and watching movies.

It only took two knocks on Dan's door before he opened it. The first thing Phil noticed wasn't that Dan was wearing all black like usual or that there was some music playing inside of his apartment, but the fact that his hair was... curly?

“Hey. Happy birthday,” Phil smiled.

“Thanks,” he smiled in return and stepped to the side. “Come on in. I just need to tame this mess,” he laughed while pointing to his head.

“I didn’t know your hair was curly.” Every other time Phil had seen Dan, his hair was always perfectly straight. While Phil knew that his hair couldn't be that perfectly straight naturally, he didn't think his hair would be this curly.

Dan pulled at one of the curls and it sprung back into place. “It’s awful, isn’t it? I hate it,” he grimaced.

“Why?” Phil asked. He thought Dan looked really cute. Not in an 'oh my god I want to pinch your cheeks because you're so cute' kind of cute, but more of an 'oh my god why are you so attractive' kind of cute. It suited him.

“I look like a fucking hobbit.”

Phil thought back to the article he had read just a few minutes earlier. If he thought Dan looked good with his curly hair, he should tell him.

“But, you're a cute hobbit.”

A soft blush appeared on Dan’s cheeks.

“Shut up,” he muttered as he walked into the bathroom. “I’m still straightening it."

While Dan finished getting ready in the bathroom, Phil took the chance to look more around Dan’s apartment. It was small; it was only a studio apartment. There was a small kitchen next to the front door with a small table for two tucked away in the corner. That lead into a lounge area with a small sofa and a TV stand on the wall opposite. On the other side of the room was a full bed, a nightstand, and a keyboard, all placed underneath the windows.

Phil looked back at the nightstand next to Dan’s bed and saw there was an open notebook with a pen laid across it. From where Phil was standing, he would see that a few things were written in what seemed like a list. Curiosity got the better of him and he walked over to Dan’s bed to get a closer look.

At the top of the page was the title 'Things that make me happy' in messy scrawl. Beneath that was a list of about twenty things, a lot of them written in different colors and thicknesses, making Phil think this was a list that Dan had been keeping for a while. He scanned over the items in the list which included things like: sunsets, dogs, bedding fresh out of the dryer, playing piano, people watching. Phil smiled to himself as he read down the list until his eyes came to the end and settled on his own name.

He could feel his heart flutter. The fact that Phil made him as happy as all of those other things on the list brought a smile to his face.

Phil could hear Dan unplug his straightener, so he stepped away from the nightstand and towards the middle of the room to look as inconspicuous as possible. He heard the familiar sound of hairspray before Dan reemerged. There was no sign that his hair had been curly just ten minutes before; there wasn’t a hair out of place now.

“Where to?” Phil asked.

Dan's answer didn't surprise him. “Dinner and a movie?"

 

*

 

The night went by way too quickly for Phil’s liking. They went out for dinner, went to go see a movie, and now they were standing in front of Dan’s place.

“Thanks for everything tonight. I had a really great night,” Dan smiled shyly. Phil noticed that he was fiddling with a loose thread on the bottom of his shirt, almost like he was nervous. He hoped Dan wasn't nervous, although he had every right to be. The last time the two of them were in this situation, Phil kissed him and Dan ran off. Now, Phil knows better than to do that. 

“Of course. I’m glad you had a good birthday."

Phil really wanted to give him a hug, but he was reminded of the article he read earlier in the day. Let him take the lead. But, he wasn’t sure if Dan was going to do anything. They were both standing there awkwardly. Phil was about to say goodnight to Dan, until Dan reached out his arms for a hug.

“Goodnight, Dan,” Phil whispered as he wrapped his arms around him.

“Goodnight."

Phil couldn't help but think about how great it was going to be when they get to the point where they could stay overnight at each other’s places. If their relationship was different, he would probably have asked Dan if he wanted to go back to his place. Not necessarily for sex, unless if it led to that, but to lay in bed, cuddle, and talk into the early hours of the morning. Although, he should have been happy with where they were at the moment, and not wish for more than what they had. He cared about Dan and he didn’t want to push him into things he wasn’t ready for. But, he couldn’t help but wonder what the future would bring.

 


	10. Chapter 10

 

**Dan**

_As soon as Dan shut the front door after walking inside, Jake appeared. He was at the end of the hallway and was walking towards him. Dan tried to walk into the other room to avoid him the best he could, but he was paralyzed. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t move. He stood there in shock as he watched Jake walk closer and closer with a scowl on his face._

_“You just can’t fucking listen, can you? What did I say about spending time with other guys?” Jake spat as he walked up to Dan and stared straight into his eyes. He shoved Dan back against the wall. “Fucking answer me!” he bellowed._

_Dan only glared at him. He was absolutely terrified, but his body wouldn’t allow him to run, fight back, or cower in fear. All he could do was stand there. How Jake knew he was hanging out with other people, he didn’t know. But, it wouldn’t surprise him if Jake had someone keeping an eye on him. Dan continued to glare at him. The longer he did so, the more furious Jake got._

_He watched as Jake clenched his jaw and raised his fist. Faster than Dan could comprehend, his fist flew down and came in contact with his jaw._

Dan woke up with a jolt. His heart was pounding in his ears and there was a thin layer of sweat all over his body. His eyes darted around the room before he realized he was in his own bed. He started to take some deep breaths to calm himself as he looked around his apartment to divert his focus to other things around the room rather than to the thoughts in his head. 

“Jesus,” he breathed as he brought the back of his hand up to his forehead to wipe the sweat off of his brow.

It had been about two weeks since he had a nightmare with Jake in it. Having to relive all of that over again was, well, a nightmare. But, he was glad that they didn’t seem to happen as often as they used to. 

When he first started having the nightmares the night that he had called the police, it would take a day or two before he got over the feeling of panic and paranoia they instilled in him. Sometimes his nightmares were things that had never even happened between the two of them. Dan had nightmares about being pushed off of a cliff by Jake, trying to escape a burning building that Jake set on fire, and him trying to run down a road away from Jake but Dan continued to trip and was never able to get away from him fast enough. Deep down, he must still have been afraid of Jake coming back into his life, no matter how many hoops he jumped through to get rid of him. But the more he talked about his issues, the less the nightmares seemed to happen. 

But, he wasn't going to allow this to ruin his day. Now that he had been seeing Dr. Harrison once a week for months now, he was able to shake the feelings that the nightmares gave him a few minutes after waking up. They weren’t real. Jake was no where near him. Dan was in his apartment by himself and he was safe. He was safe and would be seeing Phil in a couple of hours, who seemed to care about Dan quite a bit. He wasn't Jake.

He was making progress. Not really as quickly as he had wanted, but progress nonetheless.

*

It was after lunch when Dan walked into the cafe and heard the familiar chime of the door. There was the typical Sunday afternoon chatter from those who were sitting at the tables. Sarah looked over at Dan from behind the counter and smiled before she continued making an espresso. He walked over to the piano, took off his jacket, and sat down on the bench. 

Dan had continued to go to the cafe every weekend. It had become a habit at this point. Some people went to church on Sundays; he went to the cafe to play piano. And Phil still continued to meet him here, as well, whenever he was able to. It had become their little thing. 

He much preferred this to his usual weekend routine. With Phil around now, Dan had something to look forward to after his piano playing. They would sit and chat for a while, before deciding what to do with the rest of the day. Before, Dan would try to stretch out his time at the cafe, because he knew once he went home, all of his negative thoughts would appear again. Now, he was excited for whatever he and Phil were going to do afterwards.

He played his usual selection of songs until his fingers started to become stiff. He stood up from the bench and started to walk up to the counter to order his usual caramel latte, smiling at Phil who he passed in the process. 

“So, are you and Phil officially a thing now?” Sarah asked once he walked up to the counter.

“Yup. As of a few weeks ago.”

“Man, that long? I’m really behind on all of the hot gossip. I meant to ask him when he came in, but there was a line of people behind him. That’s good though. You two are cute together,” she smiled. 

“Thanks,” Dan blushed. 

As Sarah stepped away to make his usual drink, Dan looked over at where Phil was sitting. He was facing the wall that had the piano on it, and it looked like he was playing a game on his phone while he waited for Dan. It was still amazing to Dan how lucky he was to meet Phil when he did. Where Dan was a year ago was almost the complete opposite of where he was now. Of course, medication and therapy helped him quite a bit. But, he also believed that Phil was having a positive effect on him as well. Not only was Phil kind and funny, but Dan noticed that Phil brought out the best in him, which is all he could ever ask for. Even though they had only known each other for a couple of months, Dan knew Phil was someone he wanted to keep around for a while.

The sound of a mug being placed on the counter beside him brought Dan out of his daydream.

“Here you are. Already paid for, as always,” she winked.

Dan thanked her again and he took the warm mug in his hand and walked over to the table Phil was sat at. 

“Thought I’d find you here,” Phil smiled.

Dan sat down and took a sip of his drink. It was perfect, as always.

“You don’t need to keep doing this. You’ve already won me over,” he said, referencing Phil continuing to pay for his drink every time. 

“You mean you aren’t with me for the free drinks?” Phil gasped playfully.

“You caught me. That’s exactly why I’m with you. Now if you’ll excuse me,” Dan started as he jokingly stood up as if he was going to leave. Phil threw his head back as he laughed.

“Did you want to do something today?” Phil asked once Dan sat back down.

“It’s sort of crappy out,” Dan mentioned while looking out the window where rain drops were racing down the glass. "Did you want to come over to my place? There isn’t too much to do there but we could play some video games or watch a movie or something.”

“That sounds good."

*

When Dan opened the door to his place and he and Phil stepped inside, Dan was relieved that his place was mostly tidy. Usually, there was a pile of junk mail by the door, or a pile of dishes in the sink, or a pile of clothes on the floor. Depression could be a bitch like that. Although his medication helped a lot, there were still times when he had no motivation to do simple tasks such as picking up after himself or washing his dishes. Luckily, his place looked pretty presentable.

He took off his dripping coat to hang over the dining chair, and he took Phil’s coat to do the same.

“Did you want to play a video game? I have quite a few to choose from,” he asked while walking over to his TV, while Phil stood in the middle of the room.

“Sure. I’m up for anything."

Dan sifted through his assortment of games, and when he looked up at Phil before asking his preference between two of them, he saw him staring at his piano. He watched him for about a minute, but Phil’s gaze didn’t move. 

“Could you teach me how to play?” Phil eventually asked while he continued to stare.

Dan put the current selection of games he was holding onto the floor as he stood up and walked over to Phil.

“I can try. I’ve never taught anyone piano before.” Dan sat down on the left side of the bench and motioned for Phil to join him on his right. “Did you want to start off super basic or just get into how to play some songs?”

“Let’s start off super basic, well, not like 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' basic. Something a little more advanced than that.” 

“Okay. I can do that. Do you know anything about chords or pedals?” He looked over at Phil who shook his head. “Okay. We’ll start off with that, and then we’ll move into some Vivaldi.”

“Oh, yes. Of course. My favorite,” Phil joked sarcastically, which caused Dan to laugh.

“I’m sure you’ll recognize him once we get into it,” he smiled.

To start, Dan went over the concept of chords, major and minor. He showed him ones that were towards the left side, and he had Phil do ones that were towards the right side. Next, he showed Phil the three pedals and what each to them were used for. He wouldn't have Phil use the pedals just yet, but he wanted him to at least know what they did. 

“How do you remember which key is which note? There’s so many of them.”

“Honestly, most of what I play is from muscle memory. I’m horrible with notes and sheet music, so I watch tutorials on how to play songs, or if it’s a song I know pretty well, I’ll try and do it by ear."

“That’s pretty impressive.”

Dan shrugged. He guessed he was an alright piano player, but he always wished he was better at it. He watched countless videos of people playing beautifully with fluid hand movements, but he felt like he could never get to that level. Sometimes he wished he would have stayed with his piano lessons.

“You ready to start?” Phil nodded. “I’m going to play the notes down at this end and then I want you to copy me."

He told Phil where to position his right hand and started with the first couple of notes. He wasn’t going to go through the entirety of “Spring” by Vivaldi, and he also wasn’t going to introduce the chords just yet; he was going to focus on single notes in the beginning for now. 

“Oh! I’ve heard this before!” Phil exclaimed after they had gone through a few seconds of the song. 

“Told ya,” he smirked.

It made Dan incredibly happy that Phil seemed genuinely interested in learning about playing and that he seemed to be having a good time doing so. He loved that he was able to share his hobby with him.

Once Dan thought Phil had gotten the hang of playing the notes with his right hand, he felt like it was time to show him the notes on the left. It was going to be tricky since Phil needed the entire piano for that, and Dan wouldn’t be able to sit next to him and show him. But, he had an idea.

“Okay. Now,” he started while standing up from the bench and walked behind Phil. “We’re going to introduce the notes played with the left hand. It’s going to be a little weird since they aren’t played at the exact same time as the other notes, but I’ll help you."

He stood directly behind him and showed Phil where to place his left hand. His heart started to pound in his chest as he placed his hands on top of Phil’s and had Phil begin the notes on the right, while he helped Phil add the notes on the left. From where he was looking down at Phil’s hands, he could see a smile appear on Phil’s face out of the corner of his eye. His hands were only placed on top of Phil's, their fingers weren't intertwined, but he smiled as well as he continued to guide Phil’s fingers over the keys. The position was a little awkward since Dan had to bend down a little bit, but he wasn’t going to complain. 

They stayed around the piano for the entire afternoon, both Dan teaching Phil other songs, and him playing songs for Phil. It was a relaxing afternoon as the music filled his apartment and the rain continued to race down the windows. Dan wasn’t sure if he could have been happier in that moment.


	11. Chapter 11

 

**Phil**

Phil stood in front of the microwave as his leftover pasta heated up. He drummed his fingers on top of the counter as he waited, and after a few seconds, he realized he was mimicking the song that Dan had taught him just a few days prior. He smiled to himself. They had plans that night and Phil couldn’t wait to see him. Not that that was any different from any other time. It wasn't going to include Dan teaching him more songs on the piano, but it was still going to include Dan, which was more than enough for him.

Once his lunch was done heating up, he sat down at one of the tables. He was the only person in the break room at the moment, which was ideal, because he needed a bit of a reprieve after the morning he had. After the first few bites of his lunch, his phone vibrated in his pocket. It was a photo from Dan.  

_Thinking about posting this to instagram. Thoughts?_

It was a photo of himself, in what Phil guessed was his apartment. It wasn’t a full body shot, just the neck up. 

He knew Dan well enough to know that he wasn’t fishing for compliments, but was rather looking for reassurance. But, it was hard for him to believe that Dan couldn’t see how great of a photo this was. The sunlight caught his eyes in such a way that they looked golden. Phil could count the tiny freckles that were dusted along his face. His lips were positioned in a slight smirk, and Phil wanted to kiss the smirk right off his face. He was beautiful. 

Phil replied with his opinion.

_Love it! You look great :)_

Once his message sent, he opened the photo again. The longer he looked at the photo, the more he smiled. He felt so incredibly lucky to know Dan. He was funny, and kind, and he was so smart; Phil could listen to him talk for ages. Sure, their relationship wasn't the most conventional, but Phil wouldn't change a thing. If he was honest, it was probably the best for both of them that their relationship was moving at the pace it was. 

“What are you smiling about over there?” Nancy asked as she walked into the room and sat across from him at the table. Phil jumped at the sound of her voice. He waited for her to unpack her lunch before turning his phone around to show her the photo.  

“My boyfriend."

“Aww he’s cute,” she smiled.

“Who is that?” the new guy asked as he walked over to the table. Phil couldn’t remember what his name was. James? Josh? He was horrible with names. For all he knew, his name didn’t start with a "J” at all, and his name was probably Eric or something. The new guy sat down next to Nancy and Phil showed him the photo as well.

“My boyfriend,” Phil said. He was always cautious about revealing his sexuality to people he didn’t know all that well. He had known Nancy for a few years, since she had been there when he first started his job. She knew that Phil had a boyfriend a couple of years back, so he was comfortable telling her about Dan. With the new guy however, this was the first time Phil had really spoken to him other than introducing himself. But, he seemed to be around the same age as Phil, so he wasn’t as worried about hearing an unwelcome opinion.  

The new guy looked at the photo for what Phil deemed to be too long to be socially acceptable. He started to pull the phone back, and the guy seemed to snap out of his trance as he hummed to himself before saying “nice”. 

Phil felt a little awkward as he placed his phone back in his pocket. For whatever reason, he was beginning to regret showing the photo of Dan to the new guy. Something about the new guy rubbed Phil the wrong way, but he couldn't put his finger on why.

* 

Phil dug through his dresser drawers to find a t-shirt he wanted to wear that night. Nope. Not that one. Or that one. And not that one either. He was starting to regret telling Dan that he wanted to change before they left. They were only going to PJ’s for a movie night; he probably would have been fine wearing what he had been all day. But, now that he had already taken off his other shirt, he was determined.

Once he finally picked a shirt, he walked into the lounge and saw Dan looking at a photo that was on his bookshelf. Phil noticed that it was the one of his family when he was about five years old. They were on a family vacation in Portugal, and the four of them were stood along the beach right in front of the ocean. He missed those times. Not only did he miss Portugal, but he missed his family. Or rather, what his family used to be.

"Took you long enough," Dan joked once he saw Phil walk into the room. “Is this your family?” he asked as he picked up the picture frame and looked back at Phil.

“Yeah,” was the only thing he said. Phil really didn’t want to get into that right now. He didn’t want to bring down the mood with telling Dan about his family. He supposed he needed to tell Dan at some point, but now was not the time. They were already going to be late as it was.

*

They were about half way through the movie. It was some sort of Japanese thriller PJ had suggested. All of the lights were turned off, and the only source of light was coming from the TV. PJ and Sophie were curled up underneath a blanket on one sofa, and Phil and Dan were sharing a blanket on the other sofa. Although, he and Dan weren’t snuggled up against each other like PJ and Sophie were; they were sitting next to each other with their legs barely touching. Phil wished they were cuddling; he was a sucker for cuddles. But, he wasn’t going to push Dan. They were doing this all at his pace. 

It was currently an extremely tense part of the movie, and Phil was getting really into it. As the music intensified, he found himself leaning forward slightly like he was trying to get closer to what was going on. 

Something jumped out at the protagonist, causing Phil and Dan to jump as well. Phil sat back against the sofa again, but he was so into what was going on, that he didn’t notice Dan was searching for his hand underneath the blanket until he was holding it. A small smile spread across his face as he squeezed Dan’s hand. His hand was soft and warm, and it just felt right.

The tense part of the plot passed and Phil was a little saddened when he felt Dan remove his hand from Phil’s own. But, what surprised him even more was what happened after. Phil saw Dan curl his legs beside him, and then felt Dan lean into his side while resting his head on his shoulder. Shocked, Phil moved his arm to wrap around Dan, while Dan readjusted the blanket.

“Is this okay?” Dan whispered quietly, trying not to disrupt the movie.

“Of course it’s okay,” he responded softly. Phil slowly rubbed his hand up and down Dan's upper arm to prove his point. Dan seemed to relax into him further. Phil could feel his heart swell in admiration. 

The plot that Phil had been so invested in was now a secondary thought in his mind. All he could think about now was the feeling of Dan’s body against his. It was warm, and Phil could feel every inhale and exhale Dan took. This wasn’t like one of their hugs. This was much more intimate. He never thought about cuddling someone in that way before. But, he supposed it was because things moved so quickly in his last relationship. Now, he had a lot more time to appreciate all of the little moments between him and Dan as they happened.

Phil knew it was a risk, but he turned his head and softly pressed a kiss on top of Dan’s head. In response, Dan intertwined his hand with Phil’s again. Phil tried to concentrate on the plot, but he was still finding it difficult. How could he with Dan curled into his side? He didn't want the movie to end.

He was falling hard. Fast. 

 


	12. Chapter 12

 

**Dan**

He was in first place. All he had to do was make this turn and approach the straightaway. He could see the finish line. This was it. He was going to win. Phil was sitting next to him on the sofa, violently pressing buttons on his controller to try and catch up with Dan. But, Dan knew that Phil's attempts were probably all for naught. He was too far ahead at that point.

Just then, Dan heard the tell tale sound of an incoming blue shell. He attempted to press the button on his controller even harder, despite that not making him go any faster. Right before he hit the finish line, the blue shell exploded and threw him into a tailspin, ensuring Phil’s first place win. Dan pouted as Phil drove past him and crossed the finish line.

“Yes! Victory!” Phil cheered.

“No! Cheater!”

Phil threw his head back with a laugh. “How was that cheating? I just held on to the blue shell until the last possible moment.”

Dan glared at him. “I’m onto you, Phil Lester.”

“Should we do another round?” Phil asked, clicking through the main menu.

“Sure. But before we start, I’m gonna get a drink of water if that’s alright."

“Go ahead. You know where everything is."

Dan placed his controller on the coffee table and stood up from the sofa, stretching slightly before walking towards the kitchen.

Once in the kitchen, he opened up the cupboard above the sink. There weren’t too many glasses to choose from, but they were all on the top shelf in the very back of the cabinet. Being an above average height, Dan never found a problem with grabbing things from a top shelf. But, because these glasses weren’t towards the edge of the shelf, he stood on his toes and stretched his arm until his fingers grazed a glass. He shimmied it forward in order to grab it. Except, he shimmied it too far and it teetered on the edge of the shelf before falling forward. Dan jumped backwards and let out a small yelp as the glass fell and shattered on the tile floor.

“Dan? Are you alright?” Phil asked from the lounge.

Dan didn’t answer. He couldn’t answer. All he could focus on was the glass scattered around the tile floor. He could hear Phil get up from the sofa and walk towards the kitchen. Oh no. He needed to get the glass cleaned up. But, there was so much of it.

He could feel the familiar tug in his chest and his eyes well up with tears. No no no no no. Not now. Now was literally the worst time for a panic attack. When he was alone? Fine. But not when he was with Phil. He was going to come in here and see Dan in this state. He was going to see how incredibly unstable he actually was, and see that he was a mess. Who would want to stay with someone who had a panic attack over breaking a glass? And what if Phil broke up with him on the spot? Oh god. He wouldn’t be able to handle that. Or what if Phil actually was angry that he broke it? What if Phil yelled at him? What if Phil… hit him?

He slid against the wall until he was sat on the floor with his knees pulled up to his chest, leaving the pieces of glass scattered around him. His breathing was starting to become erratic and tears had started to fall down his cheeks. He tried to wipe them away with the back of his hand, but they kept on coming.

He could hear Phil come into the kitchen and again ask if he was okay. But, it sounded like Phil was asking him from a mile away, despite him being in the same room. Phil crouched down to Dan’s level.

“Dan? Dan. Look at me, please.” Through his blurred vision, Dan looked up and made eye contact with Phil, who had a concerned expression on his face. “What can I do to help?”

Dan pointed at an empty glass on the counter with a shaky hand. It was a little difficult to say anything while crying.

“Water?”

Dan nodded. Not only was he thirsty when he came into the kitchen, but he learned early on that water helped tremendously whenever he was having a panic attack. He wasn’t always able to get himself to the kitchen or to the bathroom sink during a panic attack, but when he was able to, taking sips of water helped regulate his breathing.

Phil stood up and retrieved a clean glass from the cupboard before filling it with water and handing it to Dan. Dan attempted to take a sip as Phil sat down beside him. Phil didn’t say anything more; he sat there in silence as Dan finished his water and tried to get himself to breathe regularly again.

“I’m sorry,” Dan muttered once he had calmed down. "It was an accident. I didn’t mean to do it. I’ll buy you a new one.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s just a glass. I’m just glad you aren’t hurt.”

Dan nodded.

“Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah, a little.” His breathing was finally back to normal and the tears had stopped falling a couple of minutes ago. Dan reached into his right pocket and pulled out a small notebook with an equally small pencil. Phil eyed the notebook curiously as Dan opened to a blank page. “To document my panic attacks for therapy.”

Phil nodded. “Sit tight, okay? I’m going to get a dust pan to clean this up.”

Phil left the room and Dan glanced up at the clock on the oven. Somehow, it had only been ten minutes since Dan walked into the kitchen. It felt like it had been an hour.

 

_Date: 15/9/2015_  
_Rating: 5_  
_Duration: 10 min_  
_Reason: broke glass at Phil’s place. didn’t know what his reaction was going to be. also didn’t want him to see me in that state_

 

Phil returned to the kitchen about a minute later with a dust pan in hand. Dan finally stood up and offered to take the dust pan from Phil, so that Phil didn’t have to clean up the mess that he made.

“No, it’s alright. I got it,” Phil said as he crouched down to sweep up the glass shards. “You wouldn’t believe how many glasses I’ve broken here. I should probably put them in a different cabinet, huh?”

Phil looked over at Dan for a reply, but Dan only gave a slight smile in response. Even though Phil was really kind and supportive in helping Dan through his panic attack, he was humiliated. He never intended for Phil to see him like that. And he really hoped Phil didn’t see him any differently because of it.

“I think… would it be okay if went home?” Dan asked hesitantly. He didn’t want to hurt Phil’s feelings, but he didn’t feel up to video games anymore. "I’m usually a little out of it afterwards, and I’m probably not going to be very good company.”

Phil stood back up and emptied the pieces of glass into the trash.

“Oh, okay. That’s fine. I’ll see you later then?"

“Yeah.” He didn’t go to hug Phil like he usually would have. He was afraid that if he did, he would have started crying all over again. He was in a very fragile state at the moment where all he really wanted to do was go home.

 

*

 

Dan sat down in front of his keyboard in his apartment. There had been a song stuck in his head since his panic attack had subsided. It was almost too perfect for this situation. He situated his foot in front of the pedals, and placed his hands on the keys for the opening chords. It wasn’t until he was about two thirds of the way through the song before he started to quietly sing the lyrics with a shaking voice.

“I got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match. What a catch, what a catch. And all I can think of is the way I’m the one who charmed the one who gave up on you, who gave up on you.” Tears started to make their way down his cheeks as he continued to sing. “I got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match. What a ca— fuck!” he exclaimed as he threw his arms over the keys, causing a horrific sound. But, that didn’t matter as he rested his forehead on his arms and let out a choked sob.

He hated this. He just wanted to be normal again, for both himself and Phil. It wasn’t fair to Phil at all to be dealing with all of Dan’s bullshit. He could have just as easily started a relationship with someone more stable and far more fun to be around. And honestly, that was what Phil deserved. He deserved to be with someone who didn’t drag him down all the time and stifle their relationship.

Dan lifted his head and wiped his eyes. He stood up from his keyboard and went to lie down on his bed. He stared at the ceiling for a few minutes, periodically wiping tears from his face, when his phone went off. Dan took his phone out of his pocket. It was Phil.

 

_Would it be alright if I stopped by? I want to make sure you’re okay._

 

Dan replied with a simple ‘that’s fine’. He tried to get himself to calm down so that he would look a little more put together once Phil arrived.

Not even ten minutes after Dan had replied to Phil’s text, there was a knock on his door.

“S’open,” he called out to the best of his ability. He sat up a little, and moved his pillow so that he was lounging on his bed instead of lying on it. Maybe then he would look less helpless.

Phil opened the door and stepped inside, closing the door quietly behind him.

“Hey,” he greeted with a soft smile as he walked over to his bed.

“Hi,” Dan replied with a small smile.

Phil sat down on the edge of Dan’s bed. Dan hoped that his eyes weren’t puffy and bloodshot, and Phil couldn’t tell that he had been crying since he had gotten home. But, by the look of pity on Phil’s face, it must have been too obvious.

“You doing alright?” Phil asked, his head tilted to the side in interest.

“I guess. Could be worse,” Dan shrugged. “I’m sorry you had to see me like that. I was hoping you would never have to witness that."

“There’s no shame in it. It happens to the best of us.”

Dan wasn’t really sure what he meant by that, but he wasn’t going to ask.

“I also wanted to thank you,” Dan continued, wanting to get everything off of his chest before he became a sobbing mess again.

“For what?”

“For being so kind and supportive and for letting us take everything so slowly. I don’t think I’ve thanked you for that yet.”

“You don’t need to thank me for that."

Dan smiled in appreciation.

“I feel like I’m on my deathbed and you’re visiting me before I die,” Dan laughed, looking at how both he and Phil were positioned and how he was thanking Phil for things, causing Phil to laugh as well. Dan was glad that he was able to lighten up the mood.

He shifted to the side of the bed closest to the wall and rested his second pillow against the wall like the one he was leaning on. Dan patted the area next to him signaling Phil to join him. Phil kicked off his shoes and laid down next to him. They laid there in silence for a while until Dan took Phil’s hand in his. In return, Phil started to slowly rub his thumb up and down the side of Dan’s hand. Even just that small touch comforted Dan.

“I’m so tired of being like this. The panic attacks, the pills, the therapy… I just want to live a normal life again. And I want us to have a normal relationship,” he confessed while he looked down towards his legs.

“I know. But you’re making good progress, y’know?”

Dan turned his head to look at Phil. “Am I though?” He honestly wasn’t so sure. In his mind, he pictured himself as progressing so much more by this point.

“I think so. Remember a few months ago when you flinched just because I placed my hand on your back?”

“I didn’t think you noticed,” Dan said quietly.

“I did. Although, it didn’t really phase me until you told me everything. Then it made sense. Now, think back to PJ’s the other week, and how you curled up next to me. Honestly, I was shocked. I didn’t think something like that would happen as soon as it did.”

“I don’t consider that a lot of progress, though. I always feel like I’m taking two steps forward and one step back."

“But, that's still progress, no matter how small. There’s no deadline or timeline for when you reach whatever you consider normal. And progress isn’t always a straight line. Sometimes it can be more like a roller coaster.”

Dan raised an eyebrow at him. “Are you sure you’re a magazine editor, and not an inspirational poster writer?”

Phil laughed. “Maybe I’ve found my calling. I’ll have to call my boss and tell him I’m quitting.”

Dan giggled to himself.

“You’re a real saint for sticking by me after all of this. I’m sure most people would have run by now,” he said, turning the conversation serious again.

“Well, I guess I’m not most people, then,” Phil smirked at him.

Dan had said a lot that was on his mind just in the last few minutes. But, there was one other thing that had been bothering him. And if he didn’t ask Phil now, it was going to eat away at him.

“So, I’m not asking this to inflate my almost non existent ego, I’m simply just curious,” Dan paused to get his thoughts together. “Why are you with me? Like, what could you possibly be getting out of this? Because I often feel like I’m a burden or I’m holding you back.”

“To start, I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re a burden or that you’re holding me back, okay?” Dan nodded. “Your panic attacks and your depression don’t define you. They’re only things that happen to you. And now, how much time do you have for me to go over the reasons why I’m with you?” Dan could feel a small blush take over his cheeks. “You’re funny. You’re kind. You’re smart. You’re strong. God, you’re so strong. Your piano playing brightens my entire day. I feel like I can be myself around you, and I feel like you make me a better person. And not that we’re doing anything particularly exciting right now, but there isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be at this moment than right here with you.”

“Not even a tropical beach?”

“Only if it’s with you,” he smiled.

Dan could feel his eyes well up with tears again. Dammit. Why was he such a wreck today? He took his free hand to wipe away the few tears that fell from his eyes.

“C’mere,” Phil whispered as he removed his hand from Dan’s and stretched out his arm towards him. "I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

Dan scooted towards Phil and rested his head on his shoulder, not unlike how they were at PJ’s the other week. It sounded like Phil was here to stay, and Dan couldn’t be happier.

“That’s okay,” Dan smiled. "They’re happy tears."

 


	13. Chapter 13

 

**Phil**

Phil was in the midst of dreamland when his eyes flew open. It was a work day, and he hadn’t heard his alarm go off yet. Had he slept in? He turned and grabbed his phone off of his nightstand to check the time. It was already a little after eight. Why hadn’t he heard his alarm go off? He was going to be late for work! He was about to throw the covers off of himself so he could get up, until he realized what day it was. Oh, that’s right. It was Friday. He took off of work today. He laid back down in bed for a few minutes to collect himself before getting out of bed.

It took him some time to get dressed and to get his hair in order. He wasn’t in any sort of a rush today, unlike when he had to get ready for work. His only plan was to visit his mother at some point, so he had time to leisurely go about the day.

As with any other weekday, Phil headed outside once he was put together, and made his way to the cafe. He wasn’t sure what he would do if Sarah ever sold the cafe to someone else or if, heaven forbid, it closed. A coffee and chocolate croissant withdrawal would definitely happen, that was for sure. 

When Phil opened the door to the cafe and heard the familiar chime, he noticed that it was less busy in there than usual, since it was past rush hour. There were only two people seated at the tables, and there currently wasn’t anyone in line. 

“You’re here a bit late,” Sarah noted as Phil walked up to her. 

“I took off today. Today marks twenty years, so I’m gonna head over there after this.”

Sarah looked shocked. “I didn’t realize it had been twenty years already.”

“Yeah. Time moves fast, doesn’t it?” he asked rhetorically. He couldn’t believe it had been that long either. It made him feel incredibly old, even though he hadn’t even hit thirty yet.

Sarah left the counter to bring Phil his croissant and large coffee. He had gone there so frequently for so long, that he no longer had to tell her what he wanted. It was usually the same thing day in and day out.  

“Does Dan know?” she asked as he added the cream to Phil’s coffee.

“No. I haven’t told him yet,” he replied, almost ashamed in himself. He and Dan had been together for four months, had known each other for seven, and he still didn’t know.

“Really?”

Phil shook his head. “You know I don’t like talking about it."

“I know.” Sarah walked back over to hand Phil his coffee and a bag which held his croissant. Phil went to take his debit card out of his wallet, but Sarah stopped him. “Don’t worry about it. It’s on me." 

“Thanks.” Phil looked to the side and saw a couple of people starting to queue behind him. "I should go and let these other people order.”

“Alright. Good luck,” she smiled.

“Thanks."

Phil walked out of the cafe and made his way to the train station. The journey to see his mother was a little over an hour, which would give him plenty of time to finish his breakfast and try to distract himself with games and social media until he got there. 

 

*

 

Only a block from the train station he arrived at was a floral shop. It reminded Phil of something out of a movie. It was a small brick store with different floral arrangements threatening to burst from the inside and out onto the sidewalk. He opened the large wooden door and was met with all sort of colors, sizes, and types of flowers. It was actually difficult to walk around inside without the fear of bumping into something. When he had first started coming here ten years ago, the only flower he could name was a rose. Now, he could probably name the majority of the ones he could see. 

He walked around the shop looking at all of the options. Usually, he just bought a simple bouquet. He didn’t need a fancy vase or tall tropical flowers. But, he enjoyed looking everything that was created. There were large, traditional arrangements; tall, modern arrangements; and even a couple of shelves lined with potted cacti and succulents. If Phil didn’t have a long trip home, he would have considered purchasing one. You can never have too many cacti, right?

As he scanned the displays, he couldn’t find what he was looking for, which was odd. Typically, there were multiple arrangements of the flowers he preferred. He walked to the back of the shop to ask about what else they had. It wasn’t that he was picky, it was that he was accustomed to buying the same type of flower each time. 

“Hi Phil,” Beth greeted as she walked up to the counter. Phil had come here enough where Beth knew the circumstances and knew why Phil came there twice a year. She was a friendly older woman, probably around the same age his mother would have been, who owned the shop. She was wearing a green apron, with some stems stuffed into the front pocket, which lead Phil to believe that she was in the back working on more arrangements when he came in.

“Hi Beth. You wouldn’t happen to have any carnations today, would you?” he asked. Carnations were his mother's favorite.

“I do, actually. I was just working on an arrangement with white carnations, pink alstroemeria, and some greens. Give me ten minutes and I can wrap them up for you?”

“That would be great. Thank you.” 

Beth walked into the back to finish the arrangement, while Phil looked around some more to pass the time. 

Not even ten minutes later, Beth walked back up to the counter with a smaller bouquet, the top of the stems were wrapped in floral tape to keep the arrangement together. 

“Is this alright?” she asked before handing Phil the arrangement.

“It’s perfect, thank you,” he said as he looked at it. The white, and the pink, and the green all worked so nicely together. Beth always had an eye for that sort of a thing. Not to mention, they smelled incredible.

After paying for the flowers and thanking Beth once again, he walked back outside and continued his walk. 

The people who were passing by him on the sidewalk probably thought he was bringing flowers home to a girlfriend or a wife. He wished it were that happy of an occasion, when in actuality, it was much more somber. Although, he wondered if Dan was a flower person. If he was, Phil would guess he would like something simple and classic, like white roses or white tulips. He would have to try that sometime.

Before he knew it, he was opening the iron gate and stepping onto the damp grass, which was still wet from last night’s rain. He walked past the numerous granite headstones from centuries past, and he often wondered if any of their relatives were in the area or even knew they were buried there. He continued to walk all the way back to the tree line, where he made a right down one of the last rows. 

He visited his mother twice a year— in the end of March for her birthday and Mother’s Day, as well as on the 23rd of October. But today, being the 23rd of October, was always the most difficult. It was the anniversary of her death, and even though twenty years had passed, it was never any easier. 

Phil wasn’t a particularly religious person. But after his mother had passed, he started to believe in an afterlife, regardless of whether or not there really was a higher power or supreme being. It may have just been a coping mechanism so that he didn’t have to face the loss of his mother head on, but it had worked for him so far. It was possible that when he visited he was only talking to the grass and not his mother, but it had become a sort of therapy for him either way.

He sat next to the headstone, despite the grass being wet. Having wet jeans was not on the top of his list of things to worry about today. The flowers remained in his hands, so that his hands would have something to do. Otherwise, he would have stuffed them in his pockets so that he wouldn’t fidget. He always did that in serious situations like this. 

“Hi mum,” he started, accustomed to not hearing a response. "It’s a beautiful day today. It rained the last couple of days, but now the sun is out for once. I probably should have worn sun cream, shouldn’t I? I’ll probably have a burnt face by the time I leave.

“I’ve been really happy lately, which is weird, because before I didn’t realize I was unhappy. Or maybe I wasn’t unhappy, I was still happy, but now I’m just more so. I’m not sure. Either way, things have been good.

“Work has been good. It’s been busy. I have my annual review in a couple of months, and I’ve been working towards becoming a managing editor, instead of just a standard editor. I’ll have a say in what articles are printed, and I’ll also be the manager to all of the other editors, which will be a little weird, but I’m up for the challenge. So, I guess we’ll see what happens. It’s hard to believe I’ve been there for seven years already.

"I also met someone a few months ago. I think you would really like him. His name is Dan. He’s great. He’s a couple of years younger than me and he works in marketing and communications. He actually only lives one street over from me, which is nice. We met at Sarah’s one afternoon. He was there playing piano, and I bought him a drink because his playing was so good. He’s been through some pretty rough stuff too, which is why i think we work so well together. I haven’t told him about anything yet. But, I know I need to soon. I’m sure the question of meeting each other’s parents will come up sooner or later. 

“I can’t believe it’s been twenty years. I often wish that things were back to the way they were before you got sick and before dad went downhill. I miss it. But, I know I can’t really change anything.”

Phil sat there in silence for a few minutes. A stray tear fell off of his cheek and onto one of the flower petals. He wiped his cheek and lightly touched the flower petal before placing the flowers in front of the headstone.

“I bought these for you. I walked into the shop and I didn’t see any carnations, so I was afraid Beth didn’t have any. Luckily, she had some in the back that weren’t on display. I don’t know what the greens she used are called, but I really like them. I hope you do too. I miss you so much. Say hi to Gran for me. I love you."

He stood up on shaking legs and wiped the unfallen tears from his eyes. He touched the top of the cold headstone with his palm as a goodbye before he turned and walked back the way he came. 

The walk back to the train station was an uneventful one, with Phil’s gaze cast towards the sidewalk, only looking up occasionally to avoid bumping into anyone. He was afraid that if he looked up and made eye contact with the other passersby, he would start to cry even more.

Once he was on the train, he took out his phone. He didn’t unlock it right away, it simply sat in his hand, his reflection showing on the blackness of the screen. 

Every time Dan would bring up Phil’s family, whether it be him asking about the photos in his apartment, or asking where they lived, Phil shut him down and immediately changed the subject. That wasn’t fair to Dan. He didn’t know. He was just curious about Phil’s life. And Dan was brave and strong enough to tell Phil about his past, which in comparison, sounded worse than what Phil went through. It was only right that he told Dan, especially if their relationship was going to progress. 

He unlocked his phone and opened the messages between him and Dan. He didn’t think a ‘We need to talk’ or an ‘I need to tell you something’ message was very suitable. It would probably cause Dan’s anxiety to go through the roof until they saw each other, which is not what Phil wanted. Instead, he opted for inviting him over for breakfast the following morning.

 

_Would you like to do breakfast at my place tomorrow? I’ll cook :)_

 

The smile was a little bit of an exaggeration to how Phil was feeling in that moment. But, he knew this feeling would pass, especially if he had a breakfast with Dan to look forward to.

 


	14. Chapter 14

 

**Dan**

Dan let out a large yawn as he looked through his clothing options in his closet. Why he agreed to go over to Phil’s at ten in the morning for breakfast, he wasn’t sure. He was usually still in bed by that point, never mind showered and dressed. But, here he was, trying to figure out what to wear, even though he just wanted to slip on some sweatpants and a soft t-shirt. And you know what, that was exactly what he was going to do. He grabbed a gray pair of sweatpants and a gray shirt, or ‘light black’ as he liked to call it, and put them on. Who wanted to eat breakfast in jeans when you could wear much comfier clothes?

He double checked his hair in his bathroom mirror before slipping on some shoes and walking outside.

London had been blessed with two sunny days in a row, which was a shocker. During the fall, most of the days were either cloudy or rainy. Dan was going to relish in it on his short walk to Phil’s. He smiled as he felt the sun hit his face and as he watched all of the people passing by him, enjoying the weather as well. It was a bummer that the days were getting shorter, and winter would be there before he knew it. 

When Phil had opened his front door, Dan was relieved to see that Phil was still dressed in his pajamas. It would have been a little awkward if Dan showed up in sweatpants and Phil was fully dressed in normal clothes. But, what he was more interested in was the fact that Phil was wearing his glasses. He knew Phil wore glasses occasionally, but this was the first time he had ever seen them. And damn. Dan thought Phil was attractive to begin with, but for whatever reason, his glasses made him look about ten times hotter. 

“Good morning,” Phil smiled as he brought Dan in for a hug.  

“Morning,” he replied as he let go and stepped into Phil’s place. “I like your glasses. You should wear them more often.”

“Only if you stop straightening your hair,” Phil teased, with a slight smirk on his face.

“Nope. Sorry. I take it back. You can wear your contacts all you want. Curly hair is not happening."

Phil let out a small laugh and led Dan into the kitchen. “I hope you’re hungry.”

“I am. I’m starving.”

“What would you like? I can make pancakes, omelettes, I don’t really have enough for a full English, um, I can make a mean bowl of cereal,” Phil offered.

“Pancakes sound good.”

“Coffee?” he asked as he grabbed a mug for himself.

“Sure. That would be great."

Phil got the coffees started and reached into his cabinets to grab the ingredients for the pancakes as well as a large bowl and a frying pan. He brought up a recipe on his phone and placed it on the counter for both of them to follow.

They attempted to follow the recipe to the best of their ability, but Dan was almost certain that no where in the recipe did it say that they both had to be wearing a quarter of the flour that was supposed to go into the bowl. He blamed Phil for that one. He shouldn’t be trusted with pouring things into other things. It only lead to disaster.

Once the pancakes were finished, and surprisingly turned out great, Phil put them on plates for the two of them, they grabbed their coffees, and walked into the lounge to sit at the dining table.

He never did things like this with Jake. They never made breakfast together, or chatted about anything and everything, or were this comfortable in each other’s company. Dan certainly wouldn’t mind doing this every morning. 

“How was work yesterday?” Dan asked once they were both finished with their breakfast.

“I, uh, took off yesterday,” Phil mumbled as he looked down at his empty plate. For whatever reason, Phil didn’t meet Dan’s eyes.

“Were you not feeling well?” 

“I went to go visit my mum."

“Oh? How is she?” Phil didn’t talk about his family at all, really, so Dan was interested in what Phil had to say about her. He imagined that she was extremely kind and loving, if Phil was anyone to go by. 

“Well…” Phil trailed off. “You know how I always change the subject when you ask about my family?” Dan nodded. Phil sighed and Dan could sense things were about to get serious. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

Dan’s heart rate increased as Phil stood up from his chair and walked over to his bookcase where he picked up the framed photo of him and his family on the beach. It was the same photo that Dan had looked at before they went to PJ’s all those weeks ago. Phil walked over to the sofa and sat down, patting the spot next to him as an invitation for Dan. Dan followed, and sat next to Phil.

Phil held the frame in his hands, allowing for Dan to look at it as well. 

“We went to Portugal each summer until I was eight,” Phil started. He looked down at the photo instead of looking at Dan. "Our vacations there were some of my favorite memories. Exploring the nearby towns, going to the beach, I loved it. We were all really happy. But, this was the last summer when things were still okay. 

"A couple of months after this, around the middle of July, my mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It came as a shock to all of us. But, by the time the doctor found it, it was already stage four, which meant that it had spread to other parts of her body. She was given the option of going through chemo and radiation, but the survival rate was so low at that point that she decided not to bother. She wanted to live the most she could during her final months instead of being in and out of the hospital.

“By September, her health had really started to decline. She had a hard time moving around the house and she was starting to have difficulty keeping food down. But, she still refused to go to the hospital. 

“She died in her sleep on October 23rd. We knew it was going to happen sooner or later, but that didn’t make it any easier. Her funeral was a couple of days after that, and I barely made it through. No eight year old should need to see their lifeless mother in a casket.“

Dan took Phil’s left hand in his right and he caressed the side of his hand with his thumb. He couldn’t even imagine life without his mother, especially losing her at such a young age. He was about to say something to console Phil since he thought his story was over, when Phil started talking again. 

“My father became angry. He was angry at her for refusing treatment. He was angry at her for leaving us. He was angry at the doctors for not catching it sooner. He was angry at some of our family for not being as sad as he thought they should be. And sometimes he was even angry at me just because I looked like her.

“He turned to drinking by the time I was nine. It wasn’t that bad at first. Just a couple of beers when he got home from work. But then a couple beers turned into a few beers, which turned into a little hard liquor, which then turned into a lot of hard liquor. I was twelve by that time, and my brother was fifteen. 

“Eventually, he lost his job. He used what was in savings to pay the bills, but it didn’t last very long, with him buying alcohol every week. My brother and I were both at the age where we could work, so we both got part time jobs after school to help with the bills. 

“It was after my brother left for university when things really went downhill. It was at this point when he was angry all the time. He certainly wasn’t the same guy who went to Portugal with us all those years ago. He had become a different person. A person I couldn’t relate to anymore. 

“When I was in university, I rarely saw him. I had gotten my own apartment, so I didn’t need to go home for breaks. I did go home for Christmas and his birthday, but that was pretty much it. He was able to get a job again, but the drinking only decreased slightly. He was enough of a stranger to me at that point that I didn’t want much to do with him. The last time I spoke to him was the day I graduated, which was about seven years ago.

“Sometimes I feel guilty. Sometimes I feel like I should reach out to him and see how he is, because at the end of the day, he’s still my father. That’s probably what my mother would want me to do. But, then I think back to the ten years after she passed, and I change my mind. But, not only have I lost contact with him, I’ve lost contact with my brother as well. He seems to want nothing to do with me. So, I’m not sure what that’s about, but whatever.

“Some days are really hard, y’know? Birthdays, holidays... Christmas, especially. The whole festive season season is difficult with seeing everyone with their families all happy and stuff. I used to spend Christmas with Sarah and her husband, Nate, but now that they have kids who believe in Santa and think Christmas morning is the most magical thing in the world, I never want to intrude on their own family time.”

It was at that point where Phil finally looked up from the photo and into Dan’s eyes. Dan could see that his eyes were glassy, but tears hadn’t fallen yet. He wrapped his arms around Phil, who reciprocated the movement while still holding onto the frame.

“I’m sorry I just sprung all of that on you,” Phil murmured in his ear. "I didn’t mean to ramble as much as I did. I felt that is was only fair that I told you everything, especially since you were so open about everything that you went through."

It made sense to Dan as to why Phil was always so understanding with his panic attacks, with him wanting to take things slow, with everything. At first, he had thought that Phil was just that kind. And maybe that was part of it, but the other part was his past experience. They hadn’t been through the exact same situations, but they were similar enough to where Phil understood. 

“I can’t even imagine what all of that must have been like. I’m really sorry. You certainly didn’t deserve that."

“I just feel so guilty sometimes, and I hate it."

“If there’s anything that therapy taught me, it’s that you don’t owe him anything if he’s an awful person towards you, or at any time, okay? You shouldn’t feel guilty just because you’re related to him."

Phil nodded. "I probably just changed the whole mood of the morning, didn’t I?” he asked as he pulled away from Dan. His eyes were now dry.

“I mean, sort of, but that’s okay. You needed to get that out there.”

“Yeah," Phil sighed. They sat there in silence for a minute or so before Phil spoke again. "Now how about we lighten the mood a little bit with a friendly rematch of Mario Kart?"

Dan found it a little strange that Phil went from talking about his mother passing and his father becoming an alcoholic to wanting to play Mario Kart. He knew it was probably a distraction for Phil, for him to get his mind off of those bad memories, but he hoped that Phil knew he could talk to him whenever he needed to. Although those things happened a decade or more before Dan's own trauma, it sounded like Phil was still pretty affected by it. But, if Mario Kart was what Phil needed at that moment, Dan was more than willing to oblige. There was nothing worse than having someone try to pry information out of you when you don't want to talk about something anymore. 

“You’re going down, Lester.”

“Bring it, Howell."

*

When he returned home later that day, Dan sat down on his bed. Even though it had been hours since Phil told him everything, Dan couldn’t stop thinking about it. The thought that Phil had no family to turn to pained him. Not only during holidays and special occasions, but every day. Dan didn't know what he would do without his parents at this point. He couldn't even imagine not having them in his life. Dan had wanted Phil to meet his family soon, anyway, and this gave him all the more reason for it.

He took out his phone and called his mother. It rang three times before she picked up.

“Hi mum.”

“Hi bear. Is everything alright?” she asked, almost alarmed. Dan usually only called her if there was a problem, so her question made sense.

“Yeah. Everything’s fine,” he started. "I actually just had a question.”

“Yeah?"

“I know Christmas is still two months away, but is it alright if I bring Phil?” he asked timidly. He wasn’t sure why he was afraid to ask. His mother always loved when he brought people over, be it friends or boyfriends.

“Of course, dear! We’d love to meet him!” She exclaimed. Dan smiled at that. “Does he not want to spend Christmas with his family?” she asked.

“He, uh, doesn’t really have a family.” Dan didn't know how in depth he should go with Phil's family history. It was personal, and Dan didn't want to start telling Phil's story without his permission. He'd hate it if someone did that to him.

“Oh,” she paused, and Dan could tell that she was trying to piece everything together. “He doesn’t have parents?”

“He has a father, but he hasn’t seen him in almost ten years. His mother died when he was young.” He figured that covered everything without going into too much detail. His mother didn't need to know about everything else.

“Oh goodness. Well, he’s more than welcome. What sort of things does he like? Could you send me a list? I want to get all of my shopping done before all of the crazies."

“I’m sure you don’t need to do that." 

“Nonsense! He deserves to have a nice Christmas like the rest of us."

“Okay,” Dan laughed. His mother was stubborn and he knew she wouldn’t take no for an answer. "I’ll send you a list."

His mother always played the role of host at all holidays and events. She always made sure everyone was taken care of and having a good time. It was no surprise that she wanted to make Phil feel as welcome as possible on Christmas.

"You better send me a list for yourself, too! You're always hard to shop for."

"Alright. I will. Love you."

"Love you too, bear."

Dan wanted to give Phil the best Christmas ever with family, and cookies, and presents. He was not going to let Phil spend the holidays alone. No one deserved that, especially not him.

 


	15. Chapter 15

 

**Phil**

Phil took Dan’s hand in his as he looked up and admired the twinkling Christmas lights above them. It was Dan’s idea that they go to the Christmas Village. Phil had never been before due to his avoidance of the Christmas season, but he was loving this. Everyone they walked past seemed to have a permanent smile on their face. There were kids with festive face paint and adults with cups of mulled wine. There were stalls with all sorts of food and gifts that were set up in little booths that mimicked Bavarian chalets.

He enjoyed seeing all of the different booths as they walked around. Every booth was different, selling things from clothing to ornaments to toys to pottery. He took note of the things that Dan seemed interested in for himself as he bought other things for his family.

They walked around for about half an hour until they stumbled across an ice skating rink towards the middle of the village.

“Oh look! They have ice skating!” Dan exclaimed as he pointed towards the ice rink. There were many couples and families skating around the rink while festive music played overhead. "Should we?”

“As long as you aren’t afraid I’ll somehow cut your foot off with my own skate, then sure,” Phil laughed.

“And how do you think that would even happen?" Dan asked with a cocked brow as they stood in the queue to buy tickets.

“I’m so clumsy, I’d find a way.”

“I’ll be sure to stay at least five feet away from you then.”

“Good. I’m a hazard.”

Once they bought their tickets and put on their rental skates, they shuffled their way to the entrance of the rink. It had been a few years since Phil had done this, so he wasn’t sure about how good he was going to be. Overall, he was an extremely clumsy person, so he’d be surprised if he left the rink without any bruising. He held onto the wall as he stumbled onto the ice. He moved along slowly, still hugging the wall, as he tried to get his footing, while Dan glided on the ice next to him almost effortlessly. He was amazed how Dan wasn’t having any problems with this.

Once Phil felt comfortable enough to let go of the wall, he took a few small strides. Okay. Maybe this wasn’t so difficult after all. He tried to go a little bit faster, but ended up slipping and falling backwards onto the ice. Dan leaned down in front of him and extended his hand to help him up. Phil grabbed it, and Dan pulled him up to get him back on his feet. He was a little too far from the wall to grab it to regain his balance, so he struggled a little before he was able to stand still. He must have looked like a baby giraffe to everyone else.

“You alright?” Dan asked once Phil was fully standing.

“Yeah, thanks,” Phil smiled. Although, now he had a cold ass and he knew there were probably going to be a couple of bruises that he would wake up to tomorrow.

Dan leaned in like he was going to whisper something to Phil. Much to Phil’s surprise, Dan wasn’t going to tell him anything at all, but rather kissed his cheek. Phil stood there stunned as Dan started to skate away. He just kissed him, seemingly without any hesitation. Holy shit. Other people were skating by him, but he continued to stand there, eyes wide. Dan must have realized Phil hadn’t been following him because he turned around and stood in front of him again.

“C’mon, you’re gonna get run over,” Dan chuckled as he grabbed onto his hand.

Phil skated next to him with their hands still intertwined, and he was thankful Dan was going at a pace Phil could keep up with. But, he couldn’t stop thinking about Dan kissing him. Sure, it was only on the cheek, but Phil hadn’t realized Dan was at that point yet. He was happy and so incredibly proud of the progress he had been making.

When he and Dan had first started dating, he wasn’t sure what to expect due to Dan’s past. He didn’t know if he would be trusted at all or if Dan would be completely closed off toward him. Every move and word of his seemed to be calculated, which was fine. Phil knew that even at that moment Dan didn’t trust him fully. And while that was a little difficult to accept at times, he knew that his trust needed to be earned.

“I don’t think this is five feet,” Phil teased as Dan continued to skate right next to him.

“Oh shush. I’m trying to be romantic.”

Phil looked over at Dan and saw a faint blush covering his cheeks. He smiled and squeezed his hand. How could one person be so adorable?

 

*

 

It was later in the night, and it had definitely gotten colder since they had arrived about two hours ago. When Phil had left his place earlier that night, he had dressed for what the temperature currently was outside, not what it was going to be. Big mistake. His jacket was no longer cutting it. He kept eyeing the scarves for sale at some of the booths for some extra warmth, until he spotted a booth that was selling drinks.

Warmth being one of the only things on his mind, Phil made a beeline towards the drinks with Dan following closely behind.

After they had both ordered, they sat down on a nearby bench, which felt even colder than the air temperature. They both scooted closer together so that the sides of their bodies were pressed up against each other. Phil wrapped both of his hands around the cup to warm them up before taking a sip.

“That better not be coffee,” Dan warned as he looked over at Phil’s drink. “Because it’s like nine o’clock.”

“Whatever, mum. You can’t tell me what to do,” he laughed. "It’s decaf, don’t worry.”

They sat huddled up next to each other on the bench, trying to savor the warmth from their drinks for as long as possible.

“Would you want to spend Christmas with me at my parents house for a couple of days?” Dan asked once they had both finished with their drinks.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’ve already talked to my mum about it. She really wants to meet you.”

“Sure,” he smiled. “That would be really nice.”

He was excited at the thought of meeting Dan’s family and getting to spend the holiday with them. Dan had mentioned his family quite a bit and they seemed like really great people.

It had been so long since he had an actual, nice Christmas. Not one where he went to someone’s house for dinner on Christmas, but rather waking up on Christmas morning and experiencing the entire days’ festivities. If he had to guess, Phil’s last nice Christmas was probably the year before his mother passed, because after she was gone, they certainly weren’t the same.

They sat there for a few minutes longer watching the people pass by. Phil looked over at Dan out of the corner of his eye. God, he was beautiful. Dan looked over and made eye contact with Phil, giving him a dimpled smile before returning his gaze ahead of him to continue his people watching. How did Phil ever get so lucky? 

This wasn’t the first time, or even the second or the third, that he had thought this, but Phil was extremely thankful that he had that craving for hot chocolate on that one random Saturday in March. If he hadn’t done that one little thing, none of this would have happened. He would have never met Dan, even though they were practically neighbors. Phil would have never known how funny he was, or how kind he was, or how talented he was. He loved Dan. He was certain of that. Although, he knew that they weren’t even close to the point where they could say it to each other. That would have to wait.

 


	16. Chapter 16

 

**Dan**

Dan looked over at Phil who was bouncing his knee up and down. No matter how long Dan looked at him, Phil still wasn’t looking in Dan's direction. Rather, his focus was on the landscape passing by them as the train raced over the tracks. Dan shifted his focus to the box of a dozen cupcakes Phil was holding which were being jostled by his movement. Phil had insisted on bringing something for Dan’s parents, saying that he wanted to be a respectful and polite house guest. But if Phil didn’t stop, he was going to ruin them.

He lightly placed his hand on top of Phil’s knee, which seemed to calm him down a little. Phil's leg stilled.

“You alright?”

Phil continued to look out the window. “I’m just nervous.”

“Why are you nervous?”

Although, it was pretty obvious to Dan why Phil was nervous. Meeting your boyfriend's parents was always a nerve wracking situation. He remembered meeting Jake's parents and how awful a situation that was. They weren't welcoming at all. They were cold and rude, causing them to eat dinner in almost complete silence. But, he knew his own parents weren't like that. They were open and inviting, and he had no doubts that his parents wouldn't like Phil. 

Dan leaned forward in his seat a little in order to give himself a better view of Phil’s face, when Phil finally turned to face him.

Phil shrugged. “I don’t know, meeting your family, I guess."

“There’s no need to be nervous. I know they'll like you. My mother has been excited about this for weeks.”

A small smile appeared on Phil's face, but otherwise, he didn’t look convinced. He worried his bottom lip between his teeth as he looked towards the ground. Dan wasn’t sure what else to say to make Phil feel any less nervous. They both stared at the ground until Phil spoke again.

“Who else is going to be there?”

“It’s just my parents and my brother tonight. Tomorrow afternoon is when my grandparents, cousins, and aunts and uncles will be over.”

“They’re not going to ask about my family, are they?” Phil asked apprehensively.

“They shouldn’t. I let my mum know. I didn’t tell her everything, just the basics so she was aware.”

“Okay. That makes me feel a little better. I just don't like being put on the spot about that stuff. It's personal, ya know?"

"Yeah. I get that. And even if they do ask, you don't need to tell them anything. They won't push it."

Phil nodded while Dan took Phil's hand in his own. Phil turned his attention back to the window to watch the passing houses. He was happy that Phil had agreed to spend Christmas with him. It would have been difficult knowing that he was with his parents for Christmas while Phil was sat at home. Phil deserved a nice Christmas, and he was hoping he could give that to him.

 

*

 

Dan had asked his parents to pull out all the stops this Christmas. His family usually went all out for Christmas, but he requested it just in case they were going to change their mind this year. He wanted Phil to experience the kind of Christmases his family usually had. His mother had told him that she had made Christmas cookies, bought a gingerbread house that they could decorate, bought ingredients for a Christmas dinner, and set up Christmas decorations all throughout the house. He certainly wasn’t disappointed when he and Phil walked up to his parent’s house.

Since it was now winter and the sun set so early in the day, he could see the white lights that were twinkling on the exterior of the house. And from the front door, he could see the Christmas tree set up in the lounge with Christmas presents already beneath it.

Dan only had to knock on the front door once before his mother opened it. He tried not to laugh when he noticed her wearing a santa hat and a red sweater with presents on the front of it. She was really getting into the spirit of Christmas.

“Hi bear. It’s so good to see you,” his mother welcomed with a hug. She stepped back and looked over at Phil.

“And you must be Phil! It’s so great to meet you.”

Dan watched as Phil tried to go in for a handshake, but his mother brought him in for a hug instead, trying to avoid the box of cupcakes. He could see a faint blush appear on Phil’s face as well as slight look of embarrassment.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Mrs. Howell."

“Call me Laura. This is Tom,” she said motioning to Dan’s father, who had just walked up to the door.

This time, Phil’s handshake strategy seemed to work.

"It’s nice to meet you, sir.”

“It’s nice to meet you too, Phil."

“Come in, come in! You boys must be freezing!” Laura ushered them inside to escape from the cold weather.

Dan smiled as he walked inside. He always loved how his parent’s house looked during the holidays. Not that it wasn’t nice during the rest of the year, but during this time it always felt a lot more cozy. There was a fire going, there was faint Christmas music playing in the background, and everywhere you looked there was some sort of winter or Christmas decoration.

“I brought some cupcakes along. Spice cake and red velvet. I’m hoping they survived the journey,” Phil smiled, almost sheepishly, as he handed them over to Laura.

“Oh, how lovely! We’ll have to try some of those for dessert after our pizza tonight,” she paused for a second. "Is that alright with you? That’s typically our Christmas Eve tradition.”

“That sounds great. I’m not picky.”

Dan could see that Phil was already looking more comfortable and more relaxed.  

“Perfect. Dan, if you want to show him up to your room so you can put down your things. I think your brother is upstairs as well. I’ll go ahead and order dinner.”

Dan lead Phil towards the stairs and to his room. There was nothing particularly exciting about his bedroom there. It had changed a little since he had lived there. The posters were taken down, his video game consoles were back at his place-- the only thing that really stayed the same was the furniture.

“That wasn’t so bad, right?” Dan asked as he placed his suitcase in the corner of the room, and Phil followed suit.

“No, not at all, actually. They both seem very nice.”

 

*

 

It was after dinner and they had just finished watching one of Dan’s favorite Christmas films when his mother peeked her head into the room.

“Dan, could you come help me in the kitchen for a second?” she asked kindly.

He felt his heart rate immediately increase. He knew what that question meant. His mother didn’t really need help in the kitchen; that was always her code for when she wanted to have a serious talk. The last time she had used that line was when she had asked Dan about some bruising that was on his arm. He had lied to her, of course, and said that he tripped and had fallen onto the edge of his kitchen counter. Even though Jake caused the bruises, he wasn’t going to admit it. He didn’t think she believed him, but she didn’t press any further. This time though, Dan wasn’t sure what she could want to talk about.

Dan moved the blanket that he and Phil were sharing as he stood up and walked into the room.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Is everything alright between you and Phil?” she asked quietly, probably in fear of Phil overhearing them.

To anyone else, the question may have seemed rude or invasive. But because Dan’s mother had been there for him after What Had Happened, Dan knew she was only making sure he wasn’t getting himself into a similar situation.

“Yeah,” Dan smiled brightly. “Everything’s good.”

She stood in front of Dan and gave him a hug.

“I’m glad,” she smiled as she let go. “You’d let me know if it wasn’t, right?”

“Of course. I don’t want to go through that again."

“Good. He seems like a good guy."

 

*

 

Later that night, Dan walked into his bedroom to see Phil laying out blankets on the air mattress next to his bed. His mother had set it up just in case Dan didn’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with Phil yet. It was kind of her, but Dan thought he was at the point where he and Phil could share a bed. It was a big step for him, but he was going to try.

“You don’t have to sleep on the floor,” he said as he walked over to him.

Phil looked over at Dan. “Are you sure? I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

Dan nodded. “I’m sure.”

Phil abandoned his task, and Dan turned out the lights.

It took them a little while to get situated. Dan let Phil know what was off limits, spooning was a definite no, but having an arm around him was okay. After a couple of minutes, Phil was lying on his back and Dan was lying on his side with his head resting on Phil’s shoulder. Dan hesitantly placed his right arm across Phil’s chest as Phil wrapped his arm around Dan’s side. Dan hoped that Phil couldn't feel how quickly his heart was beating.

“So, bear, huh?” Phil asked.

“Yeah. I’m not sure how it started, but my family has been calling me that since I was little."

“It’s cute. I might have to start using it.”

They laid there in silence. But, it was a comfortable silence. Dan could hear the subtle sound of Phil’s heart beating and he could feel the slow rise and fall of his chest. This was nice. He sort of regretted not doing this sooner, even though doing so would have brought him into a panic attack, with good reason. Dan always felt that sleeping next to someone was when you were at your most vulnerable. He wasn’t the best at being vulnerable. He was trying, though. And so far, so good.

“Hey Phil?” Dan spoke, once he realized what time it was.

“Yeah?”

“Merry Christmas.”

Phil kissed the top of Dan’s head. “Merry Christmas, bear. Sleep well.”

Butterflies fluttered in Dan's stomach as he closed his eyes with a smile on his face.

 

*

 

_Dan ran down the hallway until it came to an end. He could go left, or he could go right. He chose left. He sprinted down the hall, panting heavily, and he looked over his shoulder. Jake had turned the corner and was getting closer to him. Shit shit shit shit shit. Dan made a couple more turns. Left, right, right, left, right. He was in some sort of a maze and he hoped that he wouldn’t run into any dead ends. That’s not what he needed at that point. He needed to find a way to get out. He made another right turn, only to find a dead end. Shit. He didn’t know if he had time to double back and go the other way before Jake caught up to him. Before he could even decide, Jake appeared._

_“Well, well, well,” he tutted as he walked closer to Dan. His signature smirk was taking residence on his face. "Thought you could escape from me, didn’t ya? You should know by now that you can never escape from me, Danny."_

_Dan backed himself up to the wall, trying to get as far away from him as he could, but Jake continued to walk closer to him._

_“Please don’t,” Dan pleaded, knowing full well it wasn’t going to do anything. He used his arms to shield his face as Jake stood in front of him._

 

Dan’s eyes flew open. Thank god. It was just a dream.

He sat up and jumped when he saw someone next to him in his bed. Once his eyes adjusted to the darkness and he was no longer in a dream state, he could tell that it was only Phil. He let out a small sigh of relief. He was in his parent’s house for Christmas. Phil was here. He was fine. He rubbed his hands over his eyes, and he realized he had been crying.

Phil slowly sat up and looked over at him. “Hey. Is everything alright? You were mumbling in your sleep.”

“Had a nightmare. He was chasing me through some sort of maze and then I hit a dead end.” Dan didn’t need to say anything else after that. Phil seemed to understand.

Dan sat there for a couple of minutes trying to catch his breath. His heart was still pounding in his chest. He felt Phil place his hand on his back as he started to rub small circles in an attempt to calm him down.

“Your heart’s going crazy right now,” Phil pointed out.

“Yeah, I know."

Dan’s eyes started to close as he focused on his breathing and the feeling of Phil’s hand on his back. It was calming. Phil was calming.

“What time is it?” Dan asked once he calmed down.

Phil leaned over and grabbed his phone off of the nightstand. Dan squinted and turned his head away slightly as the bright light lit up the dark room.

“Only half past one."

Dan laid down on his back with a sigh.

“Sorry,” he muttered.

“For what?” Phil asked as he laid down next to him.

“Waking you."

“No need to apologize.” Phil extended his arm so that Dan could curl up next to him. Once he was settled, Phil lightly traced his fingers over Dan’s upper arm. "You okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll be okay."

Eventually, Dan thought to himself. Eventually he would be okay. He couldn’t believe that he was still having nightmares more than a year after What Had Happened. He thought he would have been past that by now. Although, Dr. Harrison always said that progress was never a straight line. He was going to have some setbacks. This was one of them. But, it was Christmas, and his first Christmas with Phil. He was not going to allow Jake to ruin that for him.

 


	17. Chapter 17

 

 

**Phil**

Phil rolled onto his back and opened his eyes. He immediately grabbed his glasses off of the nightstand and put them on. To his right, Dan was sleeping soundly. At some point during the night, they must have untangled themselves from each other. Dan was on his side facing Phil with his mouth slightly parted. He looked so peaceful. His hair was started to curl at the ends and it was falling in front of his eyes. Phil brought his hand up to Dan’s face and brushed his soft hair slightly off of his forehead. He didn’t think doing so was enough to wake Dan until his eyes fluttered open. 

“Morning,” Dan mumbled while he brought his arms above his head to stretch. 

Phil smiled at him. “Good morning. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. You just looked really cute."

Dan let out a small giggle. “You were watching me while I was sleeping? That’s not creepy at all.”

Phil laughed as well. “It was only for a few seconds. I haven’t been sitting here for hours watching you.”

“Well, that’s good to know.”

Dan scooted closer to Phil and rested his head on Phil’s chest. Phil softly combed his fingers through Dan’s hair.

“We should probably get up. It is Christmas, you know.”

Dan turned his head and groaned into Phil shirt. “Don’t wanna. Just wanna lay here forever.”

Phil smiled and kissed the top of Dan’s head. Who was he to disagree with that? That’s all he wanted to do today, too. It had taken them a while to get to this point, and now that they were there, Phil wanted to bask in it as much as he could. 

They laid there for a few minutes with Phil’s fingers still threading through Dan’s hair. It was all so nice— the weight of Dan’s head on his chest, the feeling of his hair on Phil’s fingers, the subtle sounds of Dan breathing. It was so relaxing. This was definitely something he could get used to. Phil was about to close his eyes again when there was a knock on the bedroom door bringing him out of his trance-like state.

“Come in!” Dan called out as he sat up in bed. Phil sat up as well. 

“Merry Christmas boys!” Dan’s mother exclaimed as she opened the door to Dan’s room. She was carrying a stocking in each hand as she walked over to the bed.

“Merry Christmas,” they said in almost perfect unison. 

Dan’s mother walked over to the side of the bed Dan was on first. She leaned down to give him a hug, and then handed him his stocking. She walked around to the other side of the bed and did the same for Phil. 

“You didn’t need to do this,” Phil said to her and she handed him his stocking.

“Nonsense. It’s Christmas! I think there are also a couple of gifts underneath the tree with your name,” she smiled.

“Oh wow. Thank you.” Phil bought a couple of gifts for Dan’s parents, with Dan’s input, of course, but he never expected gifts from his parents in return.

“That’s alright. I’ll let you boys wake up. Breakfast should be ready in twenty.”

Dan’s mother left the room, closing the door on her way out. Phil watched as Dan started to dig through his stocking, and Phil followed his lead. 

“I helped her with some of the things. I hope they’re alright,” Dan said sheepishly as he looked over at what Phil was pulling out of his stocking.

“This is way more than alright. They really didn’t need to do all of this.” So far, Phil had gotten a bag of Haribo, a Lion bar, a Stephen King book he didn’t have, a pair of socks with cacti on them, a pair of socks with corgis on them, and a create your own terrarium kit. And there were still a couple of things left in his stocking. 

“She insisted. I told her you’d be happy with just a giant bag of Haribo,” he shrugged. 

“That is true. I would be. I’m not hard to please.”

 

*

 

As Phil imagined it would be, breakfast was delicious. Dan’s parents cooked a spread of french toast, eggs, sausage, and potatoes, and it was probably the best breakfast Phil had in a while. 

Everything was now cleaned up from their meal, and everyone was headed into the lounge to exchange gifts. Dan and Phil were the last ones to leave the kitchen, when Dan said his name.

“Phil.” It wasn’t a question; it was more of a demand, but it still caused Phil to turn around.

“Yeah?”

Phil watched Dan as he pointed above him. Hung from the doorway to the kitchen that he just walked through was mistletoe. Oh. Oh! Dan reached out and grabbed Phil’s hand, guiding Phil to stand in front of him. He could tell that Dan was nervous. He could tell from the way his hand was clammy, and the way his eyes kept flicking from Phil’s eyes, to his lips, and back again. But, just like he had vowed months ago, he wasn’t going to be the one to make the first move. Dan needed to do this on his own. 

After what felt like minutes, but was probably only a few seconds, Dan delicately placed his hand against Phil’s jaw and leaned forward, capturing Phil’s lips in an almost impossibly light kiss. Even though it was probably one of the lightest kisses he had ever experienced, it still caused his stomach to flip upside down. But again, Phil wasn’t going to lean into it and force anything. If this was as much as Dan could handle at that moment, then so be it. He was just happy that Dan was able to do this.

When Dan pulled away, he had sort of a shy smile on his face. Phil smiled back. 

They stood there like that for a few seconds until Dan grabbed Phil’s hand again and led him towards the lounge. “C’mon. Let’s go open gifts."

 

 

*

 

The rest of the day went by way too quickly in Phil’s opinion. 

Everyone exchanged gifts after breakfast. Phil’s parents bought him a new board game and a Christmas sweater, which he wore for the rest of the day. Dan got him a new video game he had been ranting and raving about, as well as some new movies. Everyone seemed to enjoy the gifts that Phil got for them, as well.

The time in between gifts and dinner was spent playing a rather competitive round of the new board game he had received. Dan’s whole family joined in, and it was very obvious where Dan’s competitive streak came from. 

Phil was able to meet Dan’s extended family during dinner. Contrary to his fear from the other day, none of them asked about his family. They didn’t interrogate him either about what his life was like. They asked how he and Dan met, and that was about it. And that was okay with Phil. He hated having everyone’s attention on him. He was much happier listening to other people’s stories. 

But now, it was approaching eight, and it was almost time to leave. Phil made his way up to Dan’s room to start packing, knowing that Dan would wait until the last possible second to start packing, like the procrastinator he was. 

When he walked into Dan’s room, Phil grabbed his suitcase and started placing his gifts in it. As he passed Dan’s mirror, he stood in front of it and looked at the sweater that Dan’s parents had bought for him. It was blue, with Santa riding on the back of a dinosaur. It was so him. Dan must have helped his mother pick it out. Either way, it was incredibly kind of them. They had been incredibly kind this entire time, really, and Phil couldn't have been more grateful. When Phil was with his ex, he spent Christmas with his boyfriend's family, but it was nothing like this. At the time, they didn't even pay much attention to Phil. But Dan's family, they were incredibly welcoming, and Phil could only imagine what it must have been like to have that love and support while growing up. Thinking about that made him think about how much he missed his early childhood when everything was still okay. A couple of tears started to fall from his eyes.

He stood there for a minute or so, watching as the tears raced down his cheeks and fell onto the carpet below. All of the sudden, he heard Dan open the bedroom door that he left slightly ajar. Quickly, Phil wiped his cheeks with the back of both hands. He hated when people saw him crying. He walked back over to his suitcase to make it seem like he had been packing this whole time. When Dan walked into the room, Phil looked up at him briefly before returning his attention back to packing. 

“Are you alright?” Dan asked as he stood next to Phil, grabbed his suitcase, and started packing as well.

Phil looked over at him and gave him a weak smile. He was sure his eyes were still glassy. “Yeah, I’m— yeah.“ He couldn’t even utter an entire sentence before a few tears were falling down his face.

Dan put down the shirt he was holding and turned towards Phil. “What’s wrong?” he asked quietly as he placed a hand on Phil’s back.

Phil wiped his eyes again. “Everything has been so, so nice. Your parents, the rest of your family, the presents, the food. It’s all been so wonderful. And I just— I forgot what it was like to have that… to be surrounded by that much love and I— I forgot what it was like to have a family,” he finished softly. 

Dan wrapped his arms around him and brought him in for a hug. He could tell that Dan didn’t know what to say, and that was okay. He was just grateful for the comfort. 

Once they were both packed up and Phil no longer looked like he was crying, they made their way downstairs to say goodbye. Part of him wished they could stay for an extra couple of days, but Phil's work Christmas party was tomorrow, and he knew the two of them needed to get back home.

“Thank you for inviting me into your home. And thank you for the food, the gifts, and the hospitality. Everything was really lovely,” Phil said to both of Dan’s parents as they stood by the front door. 

“Phil, you’re family. You’re welcome anytime. It was wonderful meeting you,” Dan’s mother said as she reached out for a hug. As Phil hugged Laura, he shared a small smile with Dan at the fact that he was now considered family. 

They finished up their goodbyes and made their way to the train station. 

The ride back to London was about an hour long, and one of the only things Phil could think about was Dan’s mother saying that he was a part of their family. Even now, almost an hour later, it still made him tear up a little. Over the past two days, he really did feel like he was a part of Dan’s family. He supposed that in a way, he and Dan were their own little family of two. Unless you counted all of Phil’s houseplants, which in that case, they were a family of ten. Regardless, he and Dan had each other and that’s really all he needed. 

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Dan**

Dan stood in front of the food selection and looked over the options. The table in front of him was covered in different varieties of small finger foods. He picked up a small plate and grabbed a few different foods to try. 

They were currently at a holiday party for the company that Phil worked for. It was at a banquet hall in some swanky hotel in the center of London, and it was probably the nicest party Dan had ever been to. There were probably close to two hundred people there. On one side of the room, there was a live band and a small dance floor. On the side of the room they were on, there was a photo area with holiday themed props, as well as an open bar. There were multiple tables around the room that had different food selections. He was grateful that Phil had invited him. He was having a great time so far.

“These are really good,” Dan said as he popped another meatball into his mouth.

“Yeah? The steak crostinis are really good, as well,” Phil replied as he placed a couple more onto his place.

“What the heck is a crostini?”

“This!” Phil exclaimed as he fed one to Dan.

“Oh my god, that’s delicious.”

They hovered over the food table for a few minutes longer before they discarded their empty plates. 

“Oh! PJ’s here. There are some people over there that I want you to meet."

He followed Phil’s gaze to a smaller group of five people towards the corner of the room. PJ and Sophie were there, along with a couple of other people he didn’t know. There was a shorter woman with long brown hair who looked like she was in her thirties, as well as a man around PJ’s height with rolled up sleeves and tattoos covering both arms. Dan locked eyes with the the last person in the group and he felt his stomach drop. Tall. Brown hair. Green eyes. No. No no no no no. It could’t be him, could it? But, Dan couldn’t mistake the smirk that was directed towards him. It was definitely him. Out of all of the places in the world he could have been tonight, why was he at this party? Why did Phil, of all people, want to talk with him? And why did Phil not tell him that they knew each other?

Everything around the room began to blur; the only thing Dan was able to see clearly was him. And the longer he looked at him, the more his heart pounded in his chest. He couldn’t hear any of the talking or music playing throughout the room, only the ringing in his ears.    

He needed to get out of here— away from him and away from Phil. 

“Are you coming?” he heard Phil ask. But, just like the last time he had a panic attack in front of him, it sounded as if he was a mile away. 

Except, Dan didn’t respond. He couldn’t respond. Instead, he turned around and made for the door. He could have been walking, or jogging, or even sprinting; he wasn’t quite sure what his legs were doing. The only thing he was focused on was leaving the room as quickly as possible. 

He walked through the double doors and continued down the hallway, not really knowing where he was going. He didn’t get too far before he heard Phil run up behind him. 

“Dan! Is everything alright?” 

Phil’s hand wrapped around Dan’s trembling forearm, causing Dan to flinch. 

“Let go of me,” he growled, making sure to punctuate each and every word. His words may have shown that he was angry, but his actions showed that he was terrified. He hoped that Phil couldn’t tell his entire body was shaking. Phil stared at him in shock as Dan ripped his arm from Phil’s grasp. 

“Dan!” Phil called out behind him, but he continued to walk away. Dan could hear that Phil wasn’t following him this time. 

Without looking behind him, Dan raised his middle finger above his head and turned the corner. 

It was a weird mix of emotions he was feeling at that moment. Dan didn’t think he had ever been this angry before. Scared, sure. But angry? This was a new level for him. He was fuming. He couldn’t believe that Phil had the audacity to do something like that. Did he think this entire thing was a joke? That Dan’s trust was something he could toy around with? 

Dan walked further down the hallway, taking a left here, and a right there. He wasn’t sure where he was or where he was going. He just wanted to find someplace quiet and out of the way. Walking outside and onto the busy streets of London would have done him no good at this point. It would have made things worse. But the further he walked through the halls, the more he was only seeing other banquet halls. There didn’t seem to be a small room for him to hide out in. 

Adrenaline continued to pump through his veins and his heart was beating so hard that his vision was throbbing in time with his pulse. Dan stumbled into the wall as black spots started to obstruct his sight and he became light headed. In order to avoid any injuries from falling over, Dan succumbed to his light headedness and slid down the wall until he was sat on the carpeted floor. He pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapped his arms around them, and rested his head on top. His head felt like it weighed three times the normal amount. Every part of him was still trembling, despite his best efforts to stop it. As the adrenaline slowed, a lump formed in his throat and he started to choke on his sobs, causing him to hyperventilate. This was a ten.

He hated that he wanted Phil right now. He hated that he wanted Phil to bring him a glass of water and sit next to him while rubbing his back. He hated that he wanted a hug from him and for him to tell him everything was going to be alright. Except, he didn’t want the Phil from ten minutes ago. He wanted the Phil that went to visit his family for Christmas. The Phil who curled up next to him on the sofa, and brushed his hair from his forehead while he was sleeping. Not the backstabbing Phil who kept things from him. 

Before What Had Happened, Dan always thought back to Past Jake whenever something bad happened, completely ignoring what the Current Jake had become. He always thought back to the good times and that was probably the main reason why he had stayed with him for as long as he did. Current Jake might have done bad things to him, but Past Jake hadn’t. He knew he needed to stop thinking that way because now, Past Phil was Current Phil. They were not two separate people. Dan hated that they were the same person. 

Over the past couple of months, Phil had become safe to Dan. Phil’s apartment was a safe space, and up until a few minutes ago, Dan felt safe with Phil. He had felt like Phil respected him, and that he was able to say anything to him without the fear of being judged. Now, he wasn’t so sure what he thought about Phil. What they had built over the past few months had just crumbled before Dan’s eyes. 

Dan always told himself that there was always a possibility that he would run into him in the city at some point. The city was only so large. But, what he hadn’t prepared himself for, was the possibility of Phil actually knowing him. 

He sat up against the wall once he was certain he was no longer going to pass out. The tears were still falling, but he had managed to get his breathing under control. He was thankful he found a quiet area of the hotel and no one passed by him during the time he was sitting there. He didn’t want to be known as ‘the crazy guy who was crying in the hallway.'

Once he had finally stopped crying, Dan slowly began to stand on wobbly legs. He used the wall for support, so that he wouldn’t stumble and fall over. Panic attacks like this took so much out of him. 

As he stood up completely, he realized just how much his head was throbbing from dehydration. He looked to his left and to his right to try and figure out where the closest water fountain would be. There were no restrooms that he could see in this hallway, so he started to walk down the hall in search of one. He wouldn’t remember in which direction he came from, so he went left and hoped for the best.

He eventually found a water fountain and a restroom. After he took a much needed drink of water, he headed into the restroom to look at himself in the mirror. He looked like a wreck. His face was red and puffy, there were tear tracks down his face, and his hair was all messed up. He splashed some water from the sink onto his face to calm himself down. 

Before he forgot, he took out his pocket sized notebook and even smaller pencil to document his panic attack. No matter where he was, he always brought it with him. There were times, like tonight, where his panic attacks happened for a reason. But, there were other times when they happened out of the blue. 

Dan needed to figure out what to do next. He certainly wasn’t going to go back into the party. And he didn’t entirely feel safe going back to his place. There was a possibility that Phil would stop by to check on him, and Dan didn’t want to see him right now. He wanted to get as far away from him as possible.

He knew it was a little childish, but he could go to his parent’s. He made a promise to his mother that if anything happened, he’d tell her. Of course, Dan didn’t bring anything with him to stay at his parent’s overnight. This wasn’t exactly planned beforehand. He knew he had a few things there like a change of clothes and a tooth brush. He would just need to get back to his place tomorrow before he had to take his medication. Now was not a good time to miss a dose.

Dan took his phone out of his pocket to check the train schedule, when he saw a text from Phil. 

 

_I’m not sure what happened, but I hope you know that I never want to put you in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. I’m really sorry if I ended up doing that without realizing it._

How could Phil not know what happened? Surely Phil knew if he was friends with him. Dan rolled his eyes and opened up his web browser without replying to Phil. Luckily, he still had time to make it to the station and buy a ticket before the train came.

 

*

 

Dan was trying his hardest not to fall asleep on the train. It was only a little after ten at that point, but everything that had happened so far that night had exhausted him. He was afraid that if he closed his eyes even the tiniest bit, he would fall asleep, and miss his stop. Instead, he tried to focus on the lights that were on in the homes that the train passed. He hoped that all of those people were having a better night than he was.

He was about half way through his journey when he received another text from Phil.

 

_Please just let me know that you’re safe._

Dan figured he should probably respond to this one. If he didn’t Phil might continue to send him messages throughout the night until he got a response.

_I’m on my way to my parent’s house. I just need some space._

 

It hurt him to say that, but it really was what he needed. Long gone were the days when he would go running back to someone even after he had been hurt. He knew better than that now. 

Phil responded about a minute later.

_Alright. I’m here when you’re ready to talk about whatever happened._

He wasn’t as mad as he was an hour ago, but Dan wasn’t sure if he would ever be ready to talk about it with Phil. Mainly because he didn’t want to hear that Phil knew exactly who he was, and was friends with him regardless. That would absolutely crush Dan, and it would absolutely crush all of the trust that he had given Phil. He would be back to square one. 

 

*

 

Dan opened the door to his parents house less than an hour later. He tried to be quiet, as it was possible his parents could be asleep. But, when he walked inside, he could see that they were both up watching television in the lounge. 

His parents looked over at him when the door closed. 

“Dan?” his mother asked, curious. Dan didn’t tell them ahead of time that he was coming over, so her curiosity made sense. She stood up from the sofa and took a few steps toward Dan. "Is everything alright?”

Dan shook his head and continued to walk up the stairs to his old bedroom. 

Once he was in his room, he changed into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt he found in his dresser drawer. He sat on his bed and unlocked his phone, hoping that some of his apps would distract him. When he unlocked his phone, he was greeted with no new messages. Good. He opened Instagram and scrolled mindlessly through the images on his screen. He tried not to think about the fact that the two of them shared this bed just the morning before. 

A few minutes later, he heard a couple of soft knocks on his bedroom door.

“Bear?” his mother asked from the other side of the door. 

Dan locked his phone and put it beside him on the bed. “You can come in.”

She peeked her head around the door. “Did you want to talk about it?"

Dan really just wanted to go to sleep, but he supposed that it would be better for him to talk about everything before he went to bed. Knowing him, he would lay in bed for hours thinking everything over again and again and again. And that’s what he used to do with his problems before he learned that talking about them could help calm his mind. 

He nodded in response to his mother’s question. “Yeah.”

She sat next to Dan on the bed and for the next hour, Dan told her everything that happened, and she told Dan some things he wanted to hear, and other things that he didn’t. But, he knew that she was coming from an almost unbiased point of view. 

By the time they were finished talking around midnight, he hadn’t decided what his next steps were, but he definitely had a lot of thinking to do. 

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Phil**

Phil was walking to the other side of the office towards the kitchen with an empty glass in hand. He wasn’t even thirsty. He just needed to step away from his desk and clear his head. Although, recently, that was becoming more and more difficult to do. Every free second his brain had, his thoughts would jump to whether or not Dan was okay and if he should check on him. It had been three days and he hadn’t heard from him.

He was approaching the area where PJ sat when he saw PJ waving him over.

“What was that about on Saturday?” PJ whispered once Phil was stood next to him. Phil was thankful that he was talking quietly. He was sure other people were talking about it as well. There had to have been others who witnessed what happened.

After Dan had left the ballroom and Phil followed, Phil didn’t return to the party. He didn’t tell any of his friends that he left. Instead, he slowly walked home. 

“With Dan?”

“Yeah."

Phil shook his head and sighed. “I don’t know. But, he looked at me like I was some sort of monster. I don’t know what I did. He won’t tell me.”

He watched as PJ’s brows knitted together. “Has that ever happened before? Like, he just runs off?" 

Phil thought back to their first date when Dan pushed him away after he kissed him, and quickly walked back home. “Yeah. His last boyfriend was a dick.”

All of the sudden, someone who sat near PJ started coughing, almost like they were choking on something. PJ stood up from his chair and looked at whoever was across from him. You’d think by now that Phil would know where everyone sat in the office. But, he didn’t. The only people he needed to talk to on a daily basis were people in his own department, and the occasional chat with PJ. Other than that, he didn’t have much interaction with everyone else on the floor. 

“You alright, mate?” The person must have nodded because PJ sat back down again. “How so?” he asked once he turned his attention back to Phil. 

“He was abusive.”

“Oh.” PJ went quiet after that. 

“He said he wanted space, so I’m giving it to him. I just don’t know how much space he needs. We haven’t talked since that night."

“Well, I hope you hear from him soon.”

“Yeah. So do I." 

 

*

 

It was Thursday when Phil finally heard from Dan. He was eating lunch in the kitchen when his phone vibrated on top of the table, causing him to jump. He put his sandwich down and picked up his phone. It was him.

 

_If you’re not doing anything at 5:30 tonight, could you come to my therapy appointment with me? I feel like it would be best to talk there_

He felt a wave of relief wash over him now that Dan had reached out to him. He was starting to believe that Dan’s request for space was going to be indefinite. That he was never going to hear or see him again. Which, if that was really what Dan wanted, then Phil would have accepted that. And there was the possibility that even after they talk that Dan would want to end things. But, Phil would cross that bridge once he got there. 

_Of course. I’ll be there. Send me the address._

 

Phil didn’t know what one of Dan’s therapy sessions entailed. He had only been to a few therapy sessions himself when he was in college, which were on an as needed basis. They weren’t weekly. But, Phil was still going to go. He hoped he would get some answers from Dan, even if he didn’t want to see him after that.

 

*

 

Promptly at 5:25, Phil opened the door to Dr. Harrison’s office. He stepped into a small room with a wooden desk, two lounge chairs, and a door to another room. An older woman was sitting at the desk typing on a computer, and when Phil closed the door, she looked up at him. 

“Hi, my name is Phil and—“ he started.

The woman’s face lit up once he told her his name.

“Oh, Phil! Dan told me that you might be here today. It’s nice to finally meet you. I’m Dr. Harrison.” She stood up from her seat and walked over to Phil, extended her hand for him to shake. 

“Nice to meet you, too,” he said while shaking her hand. "Did he mention anything to you about what happened? Because he hasn’t told me anything yet.”

“Briefly, but i’m afraid I can’t say.”

“Right. Confidentiality. Sorry.”

“Hopefully he’ll explain what happened today,” she smiled sweetly. 

“That’s what I’m hoping for.”

“Feel free to take a seat. I’m sure Dan will be here shortly.”

She returned to her desk and resumed typing, allowing Phil to sit in one of the two lounge chairs facing the desk. 

To Phil, Dr. Harrison seemed very warm and friendly. He could tell why she was in this profession. He imagined that it would be really easy to tell her everything that was going on in his life if he needed to. 

A few minutes later, Dan walked into the room. He made eye contact with Phil, but didn’t display much emotion. No smile, no scowl, nothing. 

Dr. Harrison looked up from her computer, and stood up again once she saw Dan. 

“Hi Dan. It’s good to see you. Were you ready to begin?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, let me just grab my notebook and a pen. You two can head on into the room.”

By ‘the room’ Phil assumed she was talking about whatever was behind the mysterious door. He opened it and walked inside. There were three chairs— a floral sofa, a blue velvet chair, and a yellow overstuffed chair. Dan had already claimed the sofa, so Phil sat in the velvet chair. He figured that Dan probably didn’t want him to sit right next to him.

He could feel the tension between him and Dan as they sat there in silence waiting for Dr. Harrison to join them. He hated it. He so badly wanted to crack a joke to at least get Dan to smile, but he felt this wasn’t the right place for that. Instead, he busied himself with looking at the intricate patterns on the carpet below his feet. 

Once Dr. Harrison walked into the room, she took a seat in the overstuffed armchair with her notepad and pen in hand. She turned her attention towards Dan. 

“This week is going to be a little different from the others. Instead of me asking some questions to start off the session, I’m going to save that for the end where you and I can talk. For now, I would like the two of you to talk like I’m not here. I’ll only butt in if I feel like I need to, or if one of you has a question for me. Dan, did you want to start?”

“Um, sure. I honestly don’t even know where to begin. Do you want me to get straight to the point?”

Phil wasn’t sure if the question was directed to him or Dr. Harrison, but he answered anyway. “Whatever is easier for you."

Dan was quiet for a few seconds as he bit his lip and looked towards his lap. After a while, he looked up at Phil. 

“Phil… one of the people you wanted to introduce me to…. was Jake."

Phil’s face fell with the realization and he felt all of the blood drain from his face. The not so new guy anymore, whose name Phil finally learned a few weeks ago. Jake. Jake Patterson. That was Jake. The Jake that tormented Dan for years and left him emotionally and physically tattered. And he had unknowingly just brought him back into Dan’s life. God, he was such an asshole. No wonder Dan ran away as fast as he did.

“Oh my god. Oh my god, Dan. I— shit. I had no idea that was him. I’m so sorry.” Phil put his head in his hands. He couldn’t even put into words just how bad he felt. All he knew was that his guilt was bringing tears to his eyes. He never, ever wanted Dan to feel unsafe. And now he had done probably the worst thing he could ever do to him. After a little while, he lifted his head again. “God. I feel terrible. I made your Saturday a living hell without even realizing it. And for the past, what, five days, you were probably anxious as hell about us being here because you probably thought I was some sort of monster or something.”

Dan shrugged and picked at a thread on the sofa he was sitting on. “I mean, I kind of did this to myself. If I would have talked to you, that feeling wouldn’t have lasted for as long as it did. Please don’t blame yourself.”

"It should have occurred to me though. I should have put the pieces together."

"There weren’t really many pieces to put together. There’s no way you could have known that was him. I never showed you a photo of him, I never told you his surname… there are probably thousands of Jakes just within London alone. There’s really no way you could have known it was him from what I told you."

“I guess that’s true,” Phil paused. “This all makes so much sense now. I was really hurt on Saturday when you flipped me off, but now I get why you did that." 

“Wait? Did I actually do that?” Dan asked in disbelief. 

“Yeah. When we were in the hallway. You don’t remember?”

Dan shook his head with a look of guilt plastered on his face. “I don’t remember a lot of it, actually. I remember seeing him, walking away, and then I was sitting on the carpet somewhere in the hotel. I don’t remember what happened in between."

“Can I interrupt?” Dr. Harrison asked as she leaned forward in her chair. “So, Phil, just so you’re aware, things like this are called psychogenic blackouts. If someone is under a lot of fear, stress, or if they feel threatened, the brain essentially shuts down, making the person unable to remember what actually happened. It’s a defense mechanism. It might be helpful if you retell what happened in the hallway. Dan, do you want him to do that?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, I guess that would help."

“Once you walked out of the room, I followed you because I didn’t know what happened and I wanted to make sure you were okay. I saw you in the hallway and I ran up to you, asked what was wrong, and I grabbed your arm, which I shouldn’t have done, so I apologize for that. Your whole body was shaking really badly. You glared at me and in a really angry voice you told me to let go of you and then you ripped your arm away. You started to walk away again, so I called out to you because I still didn’t know what was going on. That’s when you flipped me off and turned the corner." 

“Sorry. I didn’t realize I had done that. When I saw him, I guess my body just went into defense mode and I ran. Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“How well do you know him? Like, are you close with him?” Phil could see that Dan was bracing himself for a bad answer. He retreated towards the far corner of the sofa and had an unsure look on his face.

“Not at all, actually. He’s more PJ’s friend than mine, since they work in the same department. I haven’t said more than few sentences to him since he started working there a few months ago. If he wasn’t standing there with PJ and them, I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to find him. He just happened to be there at the time." 

“Okay. That makes me feel better."

“I still feel really bad though. Because I always say that I never want you to feel unsafe, and then this happens. Which is probably one of the worst things that could possibly happen. The last thing I ever want is for you to feel like you’re not safe."

“I know. He was just kind of at the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s not your fault.”

“I guess.” 

“I am sorry that it took me almost a week to tell you what happened. I can’t imagine how confused you must have been.”

“I was confused. But, I also told you I would give you the space you needed. I didn’t want to hound you with questions just because it was driving me a little crazy. I wanted you to tell me on your own terms."

Dan nodded.

This next question was what Phil was dreading to ask, but he knew it needed to be done at some point so that they two of them were on the same page. "So, on a scale of one being you never want to see me again, and a ten being we’re back to where we were at the beginning of the party, where are we?”

Dan thought about it for a few seconds. “A seven, maybe?” Phil could work with a seven. That was higher than what he thought Dan was going to say. He was expecting somewhere around a three. “Like, I understand that you didn’t mean to hurt me, but it’s still going to be a little difficult for me. Seeing him just brought everything back, and it’s going to take a little while for me to move past that again.”

Phil nodded. “I understand. I was honestly starting to think that you didn’t want to see me again."

“I mean, on Saturday? Yes. I didn’t want anything to do with you anymore. I was even planning on ending things. I was so angry because I had thought that you knew it was him and It took me off guard. I did so much to get away from him that I thought I’d never see him again. But, I talked with my mum for a while afterwards and she made me realize that you couldn’t have known who Jake was with what I had told you. And after I realized that, I felt really bad because in my mind I had thought you were some, like, backstabbing monster who built up my trust just to make it crumble in an instant. But, I know that that’s not true. That’s not who you are." 

They looked at each other and shared a smile. Things were going to be okay. Not back to normal, but okay. 

Dr. Harrison asked both of them some questions just to clarify things for her records. She then asked to speak with Phil privately outside before she went back in the room to talk with Dan.

The two of them walked back out to the small waiting area. She kept her voice low so that Dan wouldn’t be able to overhear them.

“It’s rare when I have a couple in here and I don’t need to interrupt multiple times because things get heated. Sitting in there, watching the two of you interact, I’m impressed to say the least. Even though there were a few days in between the party and this, you two handled it very well. You’re a good guy, Phil. I can tell that you genuinely care about him, and that he genuinely cares about you.

"This might seem like a step back, but because he still wants to continue with what the two of you have, it’s a good sign. I know the two of you haven’t gotten to certain stages in your relationship yet, and it might take a while before those things happen, but I can tell that he trusts you. He might not be ready to show it completely, but it’s there.”

“That’s good to hear. I try to let him have control of everything so that we can move at the pace he needs.”

They chatted for another minute or so before Dr. Harrison walked back into the room to chat with Dan before the session was over. Phil sat down on the same lounge chair from earlier and waited for them to come out of the room.

Dan opened the door a couple of minutes later, with Dr. Harrison trailing behind him.

“So, I’ll see you next Thursday, Dan?” she asked.

“Yup. As always!"

They said their goodbyes to Dr. Harrison and two of them walked out of the suite and into the elevator lobby where they stood there awkwardly looking at each other.

“Are we okay?” Dan asked apprehensively. His gaze was cast towards the floor, until he cautiously looked up at Phil. He didn’t look afraid or scared. He looked apprehensive. Timid was probably a good word to describe him. Like if Phil said one wrong thing, his eyes would begin to tear up. But, Phil didn’t have anything bad to say to him.

He opened his arms and Dan instantly gave him a hug. Once his arms were wrapped around him, Phil lightly rubbed his right hand up and down Dan’s back.

“Yeah, we’re okay."

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Dan**

Dan and Phil exited the building together and stepped out into the cold evening. Dan immediately got a chill when he walked outside. He zipped up his coat and blew into the air, seeing his breath form a small, white cloud. It was definitely winter. Phil was walking next to him, their footsteps almost in time. 

They had decided to leave Dan’s appointment together. It would have been a little difficult otherwise since they were both going in the same direction to go home. But doing so would allow for them to continue to talk on their journey home, hopefully easing any tension that still remained. Neither of them had said anything since Dan had asked if they were okay once they said their goodbyes to Dr. Harrison. Dan certainly still felt some tension between the two of them. It was to be expected, but he still hated it. He wanted to erase everything that happened in the last week and for them to start over.

“So,” Phil finally spoke. Dan looked over at him, and Phil was looking towards the ground. “It’s New Years Eve. Did you want to do anything? If you don’t already have plans, that is.”

He was relieved to hear that Phil wanted to do something for New Years. There was a thought in the back of his mind that the two of them would go to their respective apartments and he would spend the night alone. After that, there was the thought that maybe this ruined them and they would start to drift apart. But, that was just him being paranoid, and making something out of nothing. Phil said they were okay. “We can do something. Did you have anything in mind?”

“Um, not really.” Phil scuffed his feet against the pavement. “I’m sure most of the restaurants are booked tonight. I do have some stuff at home, though, that we can make. Then we can watch a movie or play a game or something. Only if you want though. If you’d rather go home or do something else, that’s fine too.”

“That sounds good. I’m up for anything, really.”

“Okay cool.”

Dan could tell that Phil had become nervous. Phil was never this unsure when he talked. He wasn’t even this nervous when they were at his appointment. Usually, Phil spoke with a lot of confidence, which was something Dan admired about him. But, Phil’s nerves were making Dan a little nervous as well. He reached out his left hand and grabbed Phil’s right, squeezing it reassuringly before letting it go.

Phil looked over and gave Dan a small smile.

“You alright?” Dan asked. 

“Yeah.”

Dan wasn’t convinced. After all, he was a pro at saying he was fine, when he actually wasn’t. Hell, he did that for a whole three years while he was with Jake. He knew all of the tricks by this point. Phil wasn’t going to fool him. 

“What’s wrong?”

Phil was silent for a little while, almost like he was debating whether or not to say anything.

“I realized I’m going to see him at work on Monday. It’s hard to describe what I’m feeling, though. I’m not worried… dread, maybe? I’m not sure how to describe it. I really don’t want to see him because I know it’s just going to make me angry.”

“Doesn’t he work in a different department from you?”

“Yeah. But, it’s possible that we could pass each other in the hall or I could see him in the kitchen or something.”

“That’s true."

Dan wasn’t sure what else to say to that. He hated that he not only had to deal with Jake, but now Phil did, as well. Just when he thought he was going to be able to move on with his life, he came back into the picture to make his life a living hell. Except, now Phil was being dragged into it, which was the last thing he wanted. 

 

*

 

Their night wasn’t like what Dan used to do on New Years. There was no drinking, no loud music, no dancing amongst strangers, and no yelling into people’s ears because they wouldn’t be able to hear otherwise. Instead, the two of them made tacos for dinner and they played a couple of video games. They had since changed out of their work clothes, and into pajamas, Dan borrowing a pair from Phil, and they were now curled up on the couch under a blanket.

But, even as Phil’s hand was slowly rubbing up and down Dan’s side, his mind was elsewhere. He had thought back to when he told Phil about Jake, and it occurred to him that he knew nothing about any previous relationships that Phil may have had. Of course, Phil knew everything about Jake and how he was Dan’s first official boyfriend. However, Phil had never mentioned any past relationships of his own, and Dan had never asked. He knew it was kind of a weird thing to bring up all of the sudden, but he was curious. 

“What was your last relationship like?”

Phil stopped rubbing Dan's side. “I was single for a few years before we met. But, my last relationship was around 2011-2012. He and I got along well. We were together for over a year. I was just too clingy for him.”

“You… clingy?” Dan couldn’t imagine Phil being clingy. Their relationship was almost the exact opposite of clingy. 

Phil laughed. “Yeah. It was my first real relationship and after having a childhood that was so deprived of love and affection, I really craved physical touch. Holding hands, cuddling, kissing, sex… you name it. Eventually, he got fed up with it and broke up with me.”

“I still can’t picture you as being clingy.”

Phil shrugged. “I’m restraining myself.” Dan’s brows knitted together as he thought about how much Phil could be restraining himself. Was this not how Phil usually was? Did he want things to be more physical than they currently were? Phil must have noticed the look on Dan’s face as he continued. “Only slightly though. I grew out of most of it.”

“I don’t want you to feel like you need to restrain yourself around me.” Although he said that, Dan wasn’t sure if he meant it. He was grateful that Phil was taking things at a pace that Dan was comfortable with, and he wasn’t sure if he couldn’t handle any more than what they had done so far.

“I know. My last relationship was so fast paced, so it’s probably better for both of us that we’re taking things slow, though. Both for you to get comfortable and to allow me to appreciate all of these things as they happen, instead of all in one night.”

They laughed together and Dan made a mental note to ask Phil about that later.

 

*

 

Dan’s eyes continued to flutter closed as he tried to pay attention to what was happening on the television. One of the hosts was talking about someone’s ridiculous outfit, but his eyes weren’t allowing him to see it. Sleep sounded way more appealing.

“You’re not falling asleep, are you?” Phil smiled fondly as he lightly poked Dan’s side as an attempt to wake him up.

“Who? Me? Never. I’m wide awake,” Dan mumbled as he let out a big yawn. Since when was he the type of person to want to go to sleep before midnight on New Years? Since now, apparently. Emotionally draining days did that to him.

“There’s only ten minutes left. Think you can stay up?"

“Yeah."

He sat up a little more to keep himself from drifting off again, but remained curled up beside Phil. 

Even though the day was an emotional roller coaster for Dan, there was no other place he would have rather been at that moment— the two of them cuddling on the sofa getting ready to watch the countdown to the new year. His heart was so full.

Dan was hesitant to say that he loved Phil, because that was a very strong emotion, one that he wasn’t sure he was ready for yet. But, he knew that whatever he was feeling was only one step down from that. Adoration. He adored spending time with him and hearing him talk about everything he was passionate about. He adored sitting in a comfortable silence with him. He adored Phil’s patience with all of the bullshit that Dan put him through. He adored Phil. 

“I changed my mind,” Dan announced suddenly. He sat completely upright so that he was eye level with Phil. 

Phil tilted his head to the right slightly in confusion. “On what?”

“We’re not at a seven right now,” Dan paused, just to see if he could get a reaction out of Phil. He did. Phil eyed Dan suspiciously.

“Then what are we at?” he asked slowly, almost like he was afraid of Dan’s answer.

“A ten,” he smiled. They may had been at a seven during his appointment, but Dan certainly didn’t feel that way anymore.

Phil wrapped his arms around him and hugged him tightly. 

“You’re squishing me, you spoon!” Dan laughed as Phil just held him tighter.

“Ten, nine, eight…” he heard the countdown start on the television.

Phil let go of Dan and smiled at him. 

“Seven, six, five, four...”

Dan stared into Phil’s eyes and wondered how he went from being with someone like Jake to being with someone like Phil. It was incredible, really. They were at two different sides of the spectrum, and Dan couldn’t be happier about that. 

“Three, two, one! Happy New Year!”

Dan leaned forward and captured Phil’s lips in a kiss.

He had a feeling that this year was going to be his best year yet.


	21. Chapter 21

**Phil**

Going back to work after New Years wasn’t as bad as Phil thought it was going to be. The thought of seeing Jake, and now knowing what he had done to Dan, kept him up for a while the night before he went back to work. He tossed and turned, and even got up and watched television for a little while during the middle of the night. He had thought about texting Dan, but he didn’t want to worry him with thoughts of Jake. That wouldn’t be fair to him. Eventually, he went back to bed and fell asleep for a couple of hours before he had to get up and get ready for work. 

At work, he was expecting to be on edge the entire time, timing his lunch breaks and water breaks just right to avoid Jake. But, that’s not what ended up happening at all. In reality, it was Jake who was avoiding him. 

And now, almost four weeks later, things were returning back to normal. 

It was the morning of January 30th, otherwise known as Phil’s birthday. Dan had spent the night after they had cooked a pasta dinner for the two of them the night before. They stayed up late, lying in bed next to each other and talking about the mysteries of the universe. 

Phil’s eyes fluttered open, and he squinted to adjust to the daylight that was streaming in through the window, creating a golden sliver on his bedroom floor. Dan was lying next to him, instead of on his chest like they had fallen asleep. He was on his side, facing Phil, with his lips slightly parted. Phil reached over to the nightstand to grab his phone. 10:03AM. He rolled over onto his back, and Dan’s eyes opened at the movement Phil had made. 

“Good morning,” Phil smiled. 

“Morning. Happy birthday,” Dan leaned towards Phil and pecked him on the lips, then rested his head on Phil’s chest, not unlike how they were the night before. 

“Thank you.”

“You hungry?” Dan asked. He had started rubbing his thumb over Phil’s chest, and Phil really didn’t want to move. He wanted to lay here until lunchtime. But, he knew that his stomach was going to protest sometime soon.

“Yeah. I could eat.”

“Can I make you some pancakes?”

“That would be great."

The two of them reluctantly got out of bed and walked into the kitchen.

“When did you make a cake?” Phil asked looking at the cake on the counter that was covered in white icing. He was certain that a cake wasn’t sitting on the counter last night, and he would have noticed if Dan carried one inside when he arrived. Wherever it came from, it looked delicious. 

“Last night. After you had fallen asleep,” Dan smiled cheekily. “It’s red velvet.”

“You know me well,” Phil smiled as he swiped a glob of icing from the top of the cake with his finger and tasted it. It was as delicious as it looked. “Can we just have this for breakfast instead?"

“Phil Lester doesn’t want pancakes for breakfast?” Dan gasped.

“You’re right. What was I thinking?”

“It must be that dementia setting in,” he laughed.

“Hey! I’m not that old!"

 

*

 

They were sat at Phil’s dining table with empty plates in front of them. Phil thoroughly enjoyed his breakfast; his birthday was off to a good start. 

“What did you want to do today?” Dan asked as he leaned forward in his chair and rested his elbows on the table. 

“Honestly, I kind of wouldn’t mind just hanging around the house today, if that’s alright with you.”

Phil really wasn’t feeling up to going out of the house today. It was the middle of winter, and it was supposed to be the coldest day of the week. He didn’t feel like getting bundled up just to go outside and freeze anyway. He would be totally content with hanging out with Dan all day indoors. 

“Whatever you want. And that works out kind of well with the present that I got for you,” Dan hinted, with a small smirk on his face. Phil furrowed his brows as he wondered what Dan meant by that. What would require them to stay home all day? He knew anything sex related was out of the question. They weren’t at that point yet. An entire television series on blu-ray? An entire box of bath bombs?

Once they were finished with their breakfast, Dan grabbed their plates and walked out of the room, but then quickly returned with a wrapped present. It was too small to be bath bombs or a TV series. Phil was at a loss. 

Dan handed the gift to Phil, and he quickly admired the geometric blue, green, and purple wrapping paper before he started to rip through the paper. Once the gift was unwrapped, Phil was holding a DVD case. But, there was nothing on the outside. Just a blank DVD case. He opened it, and there was a disc, but again, there was nothing written on it.  

“What is this?” he asked as he looked up at Dan. 

“It’s actually some old home videos that your aunt had. I had them transferred to a DVD. Your mum is in them. I think it’s about three hours of footage."

“Really? How did you get this?”

“I asked Sarah. Your aunt had a stash of videos that she got from your grandma, I think. I’m not entirely sure.”

"I didn’t even know that she had these."

“I don’t know what all is on there, but she said it includes your birthdays, Christmases, and trips to Portugal. She gave me everything she could find with your mum in it.”

He was shocked. He wasn’t expecting something like this. “I… I don’t know what to say… this is probably the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received. Thank you.” Phil wrapped his arms around Dan and hugged him tightly with the DVD still in his hand. 

“Of course,” he whispered into Phil’s hair.

“Do you want to watch them with me?” Phil asked once he stepped away from the hug.

“If you want me to.”

Phil grabbed Dan’s hand and lead him into the lounge, the red velvet cake left until later. 

There was a nervous excitement running through Phil, an anxiousness if you will. He couldn’t remember what his mother’s voice sounded like, what her laugh sounded like. He couldn’t remember what her hugs felt like. He couldn’t remember what her favorite color was or what sort of music she liked to listen to. While some of these things wouldn’t be answered by watching the home videos, he knew some of them would be.

Dan sat down on the sofa, while Phil placed the disc in the DVD player. There was no title menu; it immediately stated playing the home videos. Phil sat down next to Dan and pulled a blanket over the two of them.

The first video started in Phil’s childhood home. Whoever was holding the camera was in the kitchen, where a much younger Phil was sitting in a high chair next to their dining table. He couldn’t have been any older than one. He laughed to himself at how old and dated everything inside of the home looked. But, that was the 80’s for you.

 

_“Happy birthday, little love,” his mother sung as she rubbed her hand lovingly over Phil’s head._

Once Phil had heard her voice, he felt bad for ever forgetting it in the first place. The tone and pitch of it was unmistakably hers. And he had completely forgotten that his mother used to call him ‘little love’. It made his heart swell just thinking about it. Before he knew it, a lump was forming in his throat and a couple of tears fell down his cheeks. He wiped them away with the back of his hand. Great, one line in and he had already lost it. 

“Hey, c’mere,” Dan said softly. He shifted his position a little, which allowed for Phil to lean back and rest his back against Dan’s chest. Phil usually preferred to be the one to comfort someone else, but he had to admit, this was nice. With Dan’s arms wrapped around him, he felt safe.

_His father walked into frame carrying a small birthday cake with a ‘1’ candle on top. The cake was placed in front of him, and the candle was lit. Other family members came into frame including his brother, his grandparents, and his aunts and uncles. They stood around Phil and sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to him. After the song was over, his mother helped him blow out the candle._

_Pieces of cake were cut and one was placed in front of Phil. He slammed his hand into it and grabbed a fistful before trying to shove it into his mouth. Laughter could be heard in the background._

 

“I see you haven’t changed much,” Dan giggled.

Phil rolled his eyes with a smile on his face. “I think I was a little more graceful than that this morning.”

“Okay. I’ll give you that."

 

*

 

They sat there for the next couple of hours watching footage from Phil’s first birthday all the way to his last trip to Portugal right before his mother became sick. Phil laughed and cried, sometimes at the same time, but he was glad Dan was there. Not only was he glad that Dan was there for comfort, Dan’s arms were still wrapped around him and Phil didn’t want to move, but he was also glad that Dan was able to see what his family used to be like. It was difficult to put that sort of a thing into words. 

When the screen finally went black, they sat in silence for a minute or so. Dan lightly traced his fingers over Phil’s arm, causing Phil to shut his eyes at the feeling. Finally, Phil took a deep breath and spoke.

“Thank you,” he whispered. He could feel the tears start to rise again. “This really means a lot. There were a lot of things I had forgotten that I’m glad I can experience again.”

“Of course. Thank you for sharing this with me. She seemed lovely.” Dan kissed the top of Phil’s head. They sat in silence once again, enjoying each other’s company. Phil couldn’t tell if it was only seconds that passed or minutes when Dan spoke again. “Can I meet her sometime?”

He knew what Dan was suggesting. Dan wanted to go to her gravesite. Phil had never shared that experience with someone before. It was a private day for him. But, if Dan was in this for the long haul, which Phil hoped he was, he was willing to share that day with him. Not only willing, but he would be glad to share that experience with him. That was as close to meeting Phil’s parents as Dan would ever get.

“Yeah. That would be nice."

Three words were on the tip of Phil’s tongue. He so badly wanted to say them, but he was still standing by his original plan of letting Dan say them first, no matter how badly he wanted to scream it from the rooftop. He loved everything about Dan, and he prayed to whatever gods there were that they would spend many more birthdays together. 

 


	22. Chapter 22

 

**Dan**

Dan followed Phil through the rows of headstones. This was the first time in his life that he had ever been to a cemetery. Sure, he’s walked passed them on occasion, but he had never gone into one with the purpose of seeing a grave. He had to admit, it was a solemn, dreary place. It didn’t help that it was a cloudy, cold day in the middle of winter, either. All of the leaves had fallen off of the trees, the ground crunched beneath their feet, and there was a crow sitting on the edge of the fence, which Dan found fitting and slightly cliche. 

Neither of them had said anything in a while. Phil had been quiet for the whole day, really. The only time he had talked since they had gotten off of the train was when they went into a floral shop and he had said a couple of sentences to the woman who was working there. 

He could tell that this was a difficult day for Phil. When they reached Phil's mother’s grave, he stood there for a while looking at it, before he looked over at Dan and sat down on the cold ground. Dan followed suit. The flowers that Phil had bought were sat in his lap and he watched as Phil played with the string tying all of the stems together. To get him to stop fidgeting, Dan took Phil’s hand in his and gave it a light squeeze. He knew that Phil usually visiting his mother alone, so this was something new for him. It was a part of his life that he usually kept private.

“Hi mum. I know this isn’t my usual day to come here. Hopefully I’m not interrupting a juicy gossip sesh between you and Gran,” Dan smiled as Phil let out a little laugh. "Dan is here today. For my birthday he compiled all of our home movies that Aunt Em had and we watched them together. There were a lot of things that I had forgotten about, like the time we went to the zoo for my birthday, or when you and dad were teaching me how to ride a bike and I rode into the bushes. It was a really nice gift. And after we watched it, he said how he wanted to meet you, so here we are."

Phil looked over at Dan. “Did you want to say anything?”

Dan didn’t really have anything planned to say. He personally didn’t believe in an afterlife, but from the sounds of it, Phil did, and if it would make Phil happy if Dan said a few things, then that’s what he was going to do. 

“Hi Mrs. Lester. It’s great to finally meet you. Phil’s told me a lot about you. You raised a wonderful son while you were here. He’s kind, and smart, and loving, and selfless, and all of the other positive adjectives. I think you would be proud of him." 

Phil took Dan’s hand, which he was still holding, and kissed his knuckles. 

Dan continued to sit by Phil’s side as he talked about what was going on in his life. After a little while, Phil placed the flowers next to the headstone before standing up. He said goodbye, and they navigated their way out of the cemetery.

“Did you live close by?” Dan asked once they were back onto the sidewalk. 

“Yeah. I lived only a few blocks from here. I, um, don’t really want to show you though because I’m not sure if my dad still lives there or not. I don’t want to stand in front of the house and have him come outside, ya know?” Phil grimaced as he rubbed the back of his neck. 

Dan nodded. “Understood. I was just curious.” He looked at the buildings that were down the street from where they were. It was a cute little town. There were a couple of restaurants and boutique shops. "Thank you for bringing me here."

“Thank you for coming with me. Were you ready to go?”

“Only if you are."

 

*

 

 

The following day was Valentine’s Day. Dan was never one to celebrate it, or really, Jake was never into it. He always claimed that the holiday was stupid. Dan always wished that it could have been the one day where they would act like a normal couple. Where it could be one day where they could act like they did during the first couple of months of their relationship. But no, it always remained the same day after day. 

Luckily for Dan, Phil liked to celebrate it. He made dinner reservations for the two of them to go to the Japanese restaurant where they had their first date. Although it hadn’t happened that long ago, it was nice to recreate their first date, but Phil still couldn’t use chopsticks correctly. Dan thought he might be a lost cause. 

They had a late dinner, so it was already pretty late when they had returned to Phil’s. Phil flopped down on his sofa, and Dan did the same.

“I don’t want to go to work tomorrow,” Dan turned and groaned into Phil’s shirt. Phil brought his hand up to Dan’s hair and started to run his fingers through it.

“What would you rather do tomorrow?”

“Stay here with you,” Dan murmured before he leaned up to kiss Phil. 

“I wish, but not when the deadline for the next issue is on Wednesday.” Dan pouted playfully. “You’re so cute,” Phil giggled before kissing him. 

They had a couple of drinks with dinner, but Dan wasn’t drunk by any means. Tipsy, at the most. Due to that, he felt a little more confident than usual. The couple of drinks definitely made any nerves disappear that he would have had otherwise. And it didn’t hurt that he became a little… flirtatious after a couple of drinks. 

Dan rested one hand on Phil’s chest, while the other hand was placed on the back of Phil’s neck to pull him closer, if that was even physically possible. Phil’s tongue swiped along Dan’s lower lip. Dan parted his mouth and deepened the kiss even further.

It wasn’t the first time they had kissed like this. But, this was the first time where Dan realized that things might escalate to more than kissing. He had been thinking about this a lot lately. While he wasn’t ready for full on sex yet, and he probably wouldn’t be ready for a while, he wouldn’t be opposed to grinding, a hand job, or even a blow job. Similar to hugging, those things weren’t ruined as much by Jake. And it would also be easy for Dan to maintain control in those situations— with Phil on top of him, not so much. 

Phil broke away for a second, panting. “Is this okay?”

In response, Dan positioned his leg on the other side of Phil’s lap so he could straddle him. “Yeah,” he mumbled before kissing him again. 

“Just let me know if you want to stop, okay?” Phil asked in between kisses.

“Okay.” 

As they continued to languidly kiss on the sofa, Dan realized that he had never felt this wanted by someone else. Sure, Phil had done other things that made Dan realize just how much he cared about him, but he could feel all of Phil’s affection towards him in every movement he made. He could feel it in the way his lips moved against his own, in the way his hand trailed up his back, and in the way he would break away for a few seconds here and there to whisper sweet things into his ear. And if Dan was honest, it was all turning him on. A lot. 

Phil must have noticed because he paused and looked at Dan. 

“We don’t have to do this, but I wanted to bring it up… can I suck you off?”

“Ugh, please,” Dan groaned. "I’ve never gotten a blowjob before.”

“You’ve never gotten a blowjob before?”

Dan shook his head. “Nope. There, uh, wasn’t a whole lot of reciprocating with Jake.”

“Oh."

Phil sat there in silence for a few seconds, so Dan took his head in his hands and brought him back into a kiss. “Here? Or in your room?”

“Here is fine.”

Dan got off of Phil’s lap and sat beside him instead, while Phil kneeled on the carpet in front of him. He unbuttoned his jeans and pushed them down his legs, making them pool at his feet. It surprised him by how okay he was with this. Phil hadn’t even seen as much as Dan without his shirt off, and here he was about to take his boxers off in front of him. He was about to do so, when Phil spoke. 

“Can I?”

He thought that Phil was referring to taking his boxers off for him. He lifted his hips slightly for him to do so, when Phil brought his right hand up and palmed Dan. He let out a small moan at the contact. Phil placed his fingers under the waistband of Dan’s boxers and pulled them down his legs. Dan’s cock laid half hard against his stomach. Phil took it in his hand and licked a stripe from the base to the tip. Dan prepared himself for Phil taking his cock into his mouth, but instead, he started to slowly stroke his cock, while he left small kisses on Dan’s inner thighs. Dan grew harder under Phil’s touch, and he let out another small moan when Phil started to run his tongue along his balls. 

Phil moved back up and stopped stroking Dan’s cock. By that point, a small amount of precum had started to pool at the head. Phil pointed his tongue and lapped up what was there, causing Dan’s hips to stutter. 

“You okay?” Phil asked.

“Fuck ye--“ 

Before Dan could even finish his thought, Phil’s warm mouth was on him. He went about halfway down before coming back up and repeating. Phil did that a few times before taking Dan deeper, until Dan could feel himself hitting the back of Phil’s throat. His eyes rolled in the back of his head as he felt Phil swallow around him.

“Christ, Phil,” Dan moaned. 

Phil came back up, circled his tongue over Dan’s head, before deep throating him once more. Phil moaned around Dan’s cock, sending vibrations through the lower half of Dan’s body, and Dan’s hands wrapped tight around Phil’s hair. 

So this was what it felt like. It now made sense to Dan as to why Jake wanted blowjobs more than anything else when they were together. The sucking, the swallowing, the moaning— it felt incredible. 

Phil continued to deep throat Dan as he began to fondle his balls. Dan could feel the warm tightness start in his abdomen. 

“M’close,” he warned as he threw his head back on the back of the sofa. 

That only caused Phil to work harder. It wasn’t long before Dan let out a loud moan as he felt himself release down the back of Phil’s throat. Phil swallowed around him one last time before pulling off. 

“Holy shit,” Dan breathed as he sat for a few seconds while he caught his breath. “Can I suck you off now?"

Dan had quite a lot of experience with blowjobs after being with Jake for so long. Whether or not he was proud of that, though, was a different story. But, he wanted to give Phil the same experience that he gave him.

“Uh, too late,” Phil laughed. Dan looked over the edge of the sofa and saw that Phil had cum into his hand. He passed him a couple of tissues that were on the side table.

Dan sat against the back of the sofa again and he ran his fingers through his hair. “Jesus. I can’t believe we just did that.”

“You don’t regret it… do you?” Phil asked apprehensively. 

“No, I don’t regret. I just surprised myself, is all.” Phil handed him his clothes and he slipped his boxers back on. As he stood up fully, he stretched. “If I wasn’t tired before, I’m definitely tired now."

“Are you staying tonight?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“You know I don’t mind."

It had almost become a ritual for Dan to stay over at Phil’s on the weekend. They had tried to stay overnight at Dan’s a couple of times, but his bed was slightly too small for the two of them, and Phil’s place always felt a lot more homey to Dan. It had gotten to the point where Dan preferred to be at Phil’s place rather than his own. Although he only lived a block away, Phil had even cleared out a drawer for him to keep spare clothes in. Dan couldn't help but hope for the day when he and Phil would be living together.


	23. Chapter 23

 

 

**Phil**

It was usually an unspoken plan that Dan spent part of his Saturday morning at the cafe playing piano. Phil would stop by for a little while, pay for Dan’s drink of choice that he always ordered, and sit down at one of the tables with a book in hand while he listened to Dan playing. It had become their thing. For that reason, Saturdays had become Phil’s favorite day of the week. But today, Dan wasn’t sat at the piano like he usually was. 

Phil still sat down at a table anyway and took out his phone to check the time. He wasn’t early; he was here around the same time he always was. Dan was probably just running late. He opened his book and started reading, figuring Dan would be there soon. 

Twenty minutes had passed and there was no sign of Dan. Phil was starting to get worried. He knew Dan well enough that he wouldn’t just blow him off like this. It was unlike Dan to not tell him that there was a change of plans or that he might be running late. He double checked his phone to make sure he hadn’t received any messages, and he hadn’t. He decided to send him a text.

 

_Are you coming to Sarah’s today?_

As much as he wanted to watch his phone until Dan responded, he forced himself to put his phone down and pick up his book again. 

It was weird to sit there without Dan. Usually, the sounds from the piano allowed Phil to focus on his reading, and he liked being able to glance up from his page and see Dan sitting at the piano concentrating on what he was playing. Now, all he could hear were the people around him, and it made it difficult to focus. 

Another thirty minutes passed and Phil still hadn’t heard from him. And not only had Dan not responded to the text, but he hadn’t read it either. Dan hadn’t told him he had any other plans today. Was he still sleeping? At 2pm? Was there something wrong? Phil’s thumb hovered over the call button for a few seconds as he debated what to do. Once he figured it couldn’t hurt to try to call him, he pressed the button. Phil traced a mark on the table with his finger as he listened to the phone ring. After five rings, it went to voicemail. Phil sighed and quickly thought of something to leave as a message.

“Hey. I’m at Sarah’s. I wanted to see if you were okay since I hadn’t heard from you. Let me know when you get this.”

He hung up and sat back in his chair. He was trying not to think about this too much, but this was so uncharacteristically Dan. Something was wrong. Phil did have to pass Dan’s street in order to get home. He could always stop by to make sure everything was alright. 

Phil placed his book into his backpack and stood up from the table. 

“Is Dan not stopping by today?” Sarah asked as he approached the door. 

Phil shrugged. “I don’t know. I thought he was going to. But I tried to reach him and he didn’t answer."

Sarah hummed to herself. “If he stops by later today, I’ll let him know you were here.”

“Okay. Thanks."

He felt like he was being slightly overbearing with going to Dan’s place to check on him, but with everything Dan had gone through over the last few years, he just wanted to make sure he was okay. 

_*_

Once Phil was at Dan’s door, he knocked three times. He waited for about a minute when he realized Dan wasn’t going to come to the door. Now he was really worried. Where could he be? Did Dan tell him he had other plans and Phil had forgotten? He decided to head home and continue with his day, hoping that Dan was alright. Phil was about to turn around and leave when Dan finally opened the door. 

“Hi,” he croaked. It had looked like he had just woken up. He was wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, and his hair was a mess. 

“Are you alright?” 

Dan shook his head. “I think I have the flu. I woke up this morning feeling like absolute shit."

“Oh jeez. Now I feel bad because I was trying to get a hold of you.” 

“Sorry. My phone has been on silent all day. I should have texted you when I first woke up."

“No need to apologize. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Do you need anything? Do you need me to pick up anything for you? Medicine? Food?"

“Um, all of the above, if you don’t mind? I haven’t eaten today and there isn’t much here.” Dan stepped back and allowed Phil inside of his apartment. Dan slowly and sluggishly walked over to the small dining table and motioned to his wallet that sat on top of it. “I think I have about thirty quid in my wallet that you can use. I’d get it for you, but I don’t want to infect everything and get you sick. My keys are on the counter that you can take with you."

“Any special requests for food?” Phil asked as he picked up the keys and money. 

“Bland foods for right now— crackers, rice, maybe some bananas or apples. And maybe a chicken or vegetable soup for later."

“Okay. Get some rest, yeah? I’ll be back soon."

Dan was climbing back into bed as Phil walked out the door. He felt so incredibly guilty about bothering Dan while he was sick. All Dan probably wanted to do today was rest, not having Phil barge in. But now that Phil was there, the least he could do was pick up the things that Dan needed from the store and look after him the best he could. 

 

 

*

 

Phil carefully opened Dan’s front door, trying not to wake him if he was asleep. The last thing he wanted to do was wake Dan when he needed the rest to fight whatever sort of illness he had. He quietly walked inside, softly closing the door behind him. But, his efforts were all for nought as Dan stirred in his bed and he opened his eyes when Phil placed the bag of groceries on the counter. 

“You’re back.” Dan sat up slightly and rested his back against the headboard. 

“I am. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“It’s alright. It’s hard to sleep anyway. Hopefully the medicine will help.”

“Medicine? You wanted me to pick up medicine?”

“Not funny,” Dan pouted. “I’m dying over here.”

“Oh, so I should have picked up a coffin instead?” Phil laughed, causing Dan to laugh as well. But, doing so only led Dan into a coughing fit. Phil filled up a glass of water, and brought the glass, the medicine, and a box of crackers over to Dan. “Sorry! Here,” he apologized while handing him the glass. “Are you able to eat anything? You should probably eat before you take the medicine.”

Dan drank about half of the water Phil had given him before setting the glass on his nightstand. 

“Yeah. I can eat a little.”

Dan slowly ate some crackers, while Phil sat next to the bed and told him about his grocery store adventures. Phil could tell that keeping a conversation was difficult for Dan due to his sore throat, but he made an attempt to chime in every now and again.

“Not that I don’t want you here, but don’t you have better things to do today than take care of me?” Dan asked after he had taken his medicine. 

“I just want you to feel better. I don’t like seeing you like this. I want to do as much as I can to make you feel better, even if it’s just giving you food and medicine and just being here.”

Dan laid down on his stomach, turning his head to look at Phil. “I’d kiss you right now if I could,” he mumbled. His eyes were fluttering closed like he was going to fall asleep again.

Phil brought his hand up and started to rub up and down Dan’s back. Dan closed his eyes and let out a content sigh.

“Thank you for doing this. I really appreciate it.”

“Of course. I never want you to feel like you have to go through anything alone… a bad day, an illness… whatever. I’m always here for you.” Dan gave Phil the smallest nod. His eyes were still closed as Phil continued to rub his back. 

“You’re really warm,” Phil pointed out as his hand rubbed over the back of Dan's neck. 

“I have a fever,” he mumbled, almost incoherently. 

Once Phil took his hand off of Dan’s back and started to stand up, Dan spoke. “No, come back,” he whined quietly. “S’nice."

Phil secretly loved how needy and affectionate Dan was at that moment. It made his heart melt a little. He would dote on Dan all weekend if he could, even if it meant he had a higher risk of getting sick, himself.

He sat back down on the floor and resumed rubbing his hand over the fabric of Dan’s hoodie. Phil could see a small smile form on Dan’s face, which made him smile as well. It took a couple of minutes before Phil was sure Dan was asleep, if his parted lips and shallow breathing were anything to go by. 

Phil stood up once again, this time not receiving a protest from Dan. He looked at him for a few seconds before bending down and kissing the top of his head.

“I love you,” Phil whispered. 

It had been months since he had been wanting to say that. Dan might not have been awake to hear it, but at least the words finally left Phil’s lips. It felt good to finally get that out there. And hopefully it wouldn’t be long before he could properly tell him.


	24. Chapter 24

 

**Dan**

As Phil was asleep on his stomach, Dan ran his fingers along the top of his back. The part of his back which wasn’t covered up by the duvet allowed for Dan to lightly trace his fingers over the freckles that dotted the top of Phil’s back and spread across his shoulders. Dan’s fingers danced over each speckle as he connected them to create abstract shapes.

It was still early. Dan didn’t think it was even 8AM. It was odd for him to wake up this early on the weekend, but he couldn’t shut his brain up. Phil was in his dream, which by itself wasn’t all that weird. What was weird, though, was that in the dream there was a person, a guide almost, who had Dan collect all of the great memories he had with Phil into a large box. He was to give this box to Phil to show him the reasons he loved him. And once he woke up, that was all Dan could think about. He was ready to tell Phil. Leave it to his subconscious to tell him he was ready for that. 

Before, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to admit that he loved Phil. It was a big step. And for the first time, he would mean it when he said it. Unlike when he was with Jake and he felt compelled to say it even if it wasn’t true. But this, he felt in every fiber of his being. He loved him. He was in love with him, in a true, unashamed fashion. He wanted to scream it from the tallest building. He wanted to knock on all of the doors on his street and tell his neighbors. He wanted to call his mother. He wanted the whole world to know that he was in love with Phil Lester. 

There was no doubt in his mind that Phil felt the same. Dan knew it from not only the way Phil looked at him and from how he always put Dan’s needs in front of his own, but also from hearing Phil whisper it to him when he was sick last week. He knew he wasn’t meant to hear that, and he tried his hardest not to make it seem like he did, but hearing Phil utter those words made his heart flutter. 

Dan continued to trace his fingers along Phil’s back absentmindedly until Phil began to stir. 

“Good morning,” Phil mumbled as his eyes fluttered open. Dan smiled widely at him. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Because,” Dan started before he pecked Phil on the lips. “I love you."

He watched as Phil’s face lit up and he kissed him. 

“Say it again.”

“I love you.”

A peck to the nose.

“And again.”

“I love you.”

A peck to the forehead.

“And again.”

Dan giggled. “I love you.”

A peck to his left cheek.

Phil pulled back and looked at Dan.

“And I love you.”

Dan scooted closer to Phil and kissed him long and slow. His arm wrapped around Phil’s back and his fingers threaded through his hair, which was ridiculously soft as always. Phil’s hand found its way to Dan’s side and he started to caress the skin there, causing goosebumps to appear on Dan's skin. Kissing Phil was one of Dan's favorite things. It was never too rushed, and Phil always allowed Dan to take the lead. Dan’s tongue swiped across the bottom of Phil’s lip as permission to deepen the kiss.

“I want to try and go all the way," Dan breathed as he broke away from Phil.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah."

At that point, it was the final physical aspect of their relationship that he had yet to overcome. They had done hand jobs and blowjobs, but not full on sex. If he could do this, then in his mind, everything was back to the way it should be. This was the final test to see if he had finally cut Jake out of his life. 

“Let me know if want to stop."

Phil positioned himself above Dan and held both of Dan’s wrists in his hands as he kissed and nibbled at Dan’s neck. Dan would have been enjoying this immensely if thoughts of Jake pinning him down weren’t flooding back suddenly. He tried to wriggle out of Phil’s grasp but Phil wouldn’t budge. He felt trapped. He needed to move. He was starting to panic.

“Phil. Wait. Stop,” Dan blurted out.

Phil immediately let go of Dan’s wrists and sat up, alarmed. “Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?"

“No. I just, I hate being pinned down.”

“Oh god. Sorry! Did you want to switch? Did you want to stop?”

“We can continue… just don’t hold down my wrists.”

Phil leaned over him again, but placed his hands on either side of Dan’s head. 

“Is this better?”

“Yeah.”

Phil kissed along Dan’s collar bones and he started to grind against him. Dan tried to get into it. He really did. In the beginning he was really looking forward to it. He thought he was finally at a point where they could go through with this and everything would be fine. But once the thought of Jake pinning him down was in his mind, it continued to haunt him. Even though Dan could clearly see it was Phil that he was with, every kiss and every touch felt like Jake and it almost made him sick. He could feel his breathing become less stable. His chest was getting tight. Everything his body was doing was telling him to--

“Stop! I-I can’t do this.”

Quickly, Phil moved off of Dan and sat on the opposite side of the bed, giving Dan the space to sit up. Once Dan sat up, he leaned forward and rested his arms on his knees which were pulled up to his chest.

“You’re okay,” Phil soothed while rubbing Dan’s back.

“I’m not okay, Phil! He fucking ruined me!” Dan snapped. Phil’s eyes widened as Dan stood up from the bed and began pacing around the room. “It’s been a year and a half and he still fucking haunts me!” 

Instead of continuing to pace around the room, Dan left Phil’s bedroom and walked out to the lounge. He expected Phil to follow him. Although, he was glad Phil was giving him space. What he really should have done was go outside for a walk, except that he was only in his boxers still, and he really didn’t feel like getting dressed. The short walk to the lounge would have to do. He sat down on the sofa, pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers, and sighed. 

Not only was he angry at Jake for making him this way, but he was also ashamed of himself that he couldn’t actually go through with this after all of this time. After all of the time in therapy and after all of the pills he had taken, he still wasn’t back to his normal self. Whatever normal was for him at this point. 

He sat there for about ten minutes before Phil walked into the room. 

“I’m sorry,” Dan said once Phil sat beside him on the sofa. 

“For what?”

“For ruining the moment. For not being able to go through with it. For yelling at you. For making you wait so long for this."

“I’m actually proud of you.” Dan raised an eyebrow at him, not know where this was going. How was Phil not mad at him? But, not only how wasn't he mad, but how the hell could he have been proud of him in that moment? Dan hadn't been able to follow through with something that he had been working towards for months. “I’m proud of you for trying and I’m proud of you for letting me know that you weren’t comfortable with it anymore. And I don’t care if it takes a year, ten years, or if it never happens, okay? I want to be with you because of who you are."

“I’m really grateful for you, you know. I honestly don’t know what I would do without you.”

Phil brought his arms around Dan and kissed the side of his head.

“And you'll never have to find out."


	25. Chapter 25

**Phil**

It was the end of the work day and employees from each department stood around the lunch room with a glass of champagne in their hands as a large rectangular cake sat on one of the tables. The company’s president stood towards the front of the room, and everyone was silent as they waited for her to begin talking. 

“I’ll keep this short, but I wanted everyone to gather so we can wish Jake a farewell and good luck on his next adventure,” she started before she looked over at Jake who was standing among the other employees. “Although you weren’t started less than a year ago, we certainly loved having you here with us. You were passionate about your work, which I’m sure the design department is going to miss. We wish you all the best at your new endeavor in Liverpool. Cheers!”

Everyone raised their glasses in celebration. 

Phil stood towards the back of the room and took a sip of his drink. He was shocked when he received an email earlier that morning stating that it was Jake’s last day. The two of them successfully avoided each other in the office for the last few months. And now, Phil would no longer have to worry about that. Not only that, but Dan would no longer have to worry about him being in the area. They would almost be on opposite sides of the country. Hopefully that would bring peace to Dan, if only a little. 

He eyed the cake as others were cutting and plating slices, but was going to refuse to take some just out of principle. He felt no need to celebrate Jake’s time there. Him leaving, yes. But he refused to eat a cake that said “Best of Luck Jake”. He thought a “Go Fuck Yourself” cake would have been better suited. He gladly took the champagne, though. Anything to make seeing him a little easier. 

As everyone else enjoyed their cake, he chatted with some coworkers about plans for the weekend. He and Dan didn’t have any at the time, but if he had to guess, it would probably consist of the usual— playing video games, watching shows together, making dinner, going to the cafe. And he didn’t mind that one bit. 

Once everyone finished their conversations and cake, they began to leave the room. 

“Phil, can I talk to you for a second?” Jake asked from behind him as Phil was about to go back to his desk. Phil stopped and turned around to look at him. “Do you think you could give this to Dan for me?” he asked as he handed a white envelope to Phil.

“What is it?” He turned it over and noticed that nothing was written on it. But, it was sealed, so there was definitely something inside. 

“A letter... for closure if he needs it."

“Sure.” 

He was about to turn around to leave the room when Jake spoke up again. “I also wanted to say I’m sorry. Because I know Dan has probably told you everything by this point, and you’re probably picking up all of the pieces from everything that I did. And I’m sorry. But now we won’t have to keep avoiding each other in the office, and Dan can actually enjoy the company Christmas parties.”

Phil looked around the room and noticed that they were the only two left, which was a relief since Phil didn’t want to have this conversation with other people around. The people he worked with didn’t need to know what was going on. That was how rumors started. And that was the last thing Phil wanted. 

“There’s a lot more to it than him being able to enjoy a party."

“I know,” Jake muttered as his gaze fell to the floor.

Phil kept a straight face. He so badly wanted to lash out at him. He wanted to tell Jake about every single time Dan flinched when he touched him. Every time he had to help him through a panic attack. Every time he woke up because Dan had a nightmare. He wanted Jake to know just how much he affected Dan despite them no longer being together.

“But, do you though? Do you know what you’ve done to him?” Phil whispered harshly. 

Jake looked up at him again. Phil could see that he tensed at his question and that he was now stood up straight in almost a defensive position. This was the first time he had stood this close to Jake. He was tall. It was possible that he was even taller than Dan. And if Phil was honest, his height mixed with the glare he was currently giving him was intimidating. He couldn’t imagine being in Dan’s shoes and dealing with worse than this on a daily basis. 

“I said I’m sorry,” he said through gritted teeth. "I don’t know what else you want me to say." 

Phil heard foot steps from behind him, meaning that he and Jake were no longer alone in the room. He turned and saw that it was the office manager, who started to clean up the leftover cake and champagne. It was probably for the best that they were no longer alone, since things were becoming tense between them. It served as a reminder that he was still at work, and he needed to remain professional.  

“I’ll make sure he gets your letter.”

And with that, he walked out of the room.

*

Later that evening, Phil and Dan were sat on the sofa in Phil’s lounge. On the television, a movie was playing that Phil had wanted to watch for a while now, but he couldn’t get into it. His mind was somewhere else. And that somewhere else was in the lunch room with Jake only hours prior. He mindlessly rubbed his fingers along the arm of the sofa as he thought about the way Jake glared at him earlier.

He knew he needed to tell Dan about the letter Jake wrote for him. But, he didn’t want to ruin Dan’s night by mentioning him. In all of the conversations they had about him, Dan was always the one to bring him up. Phil didn’t want to mention Jake out of the blue for fear of catching Dan off guard. But, he couldn’t wait for the next time Jake was brought up in conversation. Who knew how long it would take before that happened. 

“Are you alright?” Dan asked as he paused the movie they were watching. "You seem like you’re somewhere else.”

Phil sighed before he spoke. He thought this was as good of a time as any. “Jake came up to me today,” he paused and looked over at Dan who shifted in his seat and looked expectantly at him. “And he wanted me to give a letter to you.”

He leaned forward and picked up the envelope that was sitting on the coffee table. Dan looked at the envelope as Phil held it out for him to take, but he didn’t reach out to grab it. He only stared at it. 

“Could you read it first and let me know if I should read it?” Dan asked after a while. 

“Yeah.”

Phil understood Dan’s hesitation and was more than willing to read the letter first. His only hope was that the letter wasn’t harsh or contained any personal details that Dan hadn’t told Phil about. 

He ripped open the envelope and unfolded the letter. It was typed and only about a page long, probably so that Jake could get his thoughts together in a way that made sense before handing it over. 

 

 

_Dan,_

_I wanted to start by saying that I’m not looking for you to forgive me. I know what I did is not worthy of that. I’m also not writing this to make it seem like I’m not a bad person. You have every right to hate me. I just wanted to give you some closure._

_When we were together, I wasn’t in the right state of mind, even when we first met. I was dealing with a lot of self hatred due to the relationship with my parents and my sexuality, and unfortunately, I took all of my frustration out on you instead of getting help._ _It was nothing that you did. None of it was because of anything you did_ _(can you tell I’ve been going to therapy?). I feel like even if I had just told you what was going through my head that things would have been better for both of us. But, you know I was never one to talk about my feelings. I thought I was too good for that. I thought it was a sign of weakness. When really, asking for help is one of the strongest things you can do._

_I will say that I’m glad you called the police. Even though I was mad as hell at the time, and no one likes to have charges against them, I’m still glad you did it for both your sake and mine._ _Who knows how long that would have gone on for if you didn’t. So in a weird way, thank you._

_Phil may have already mentioned this to you, but I got a job in Liverpool, so I’ll no longer be in London. My current job wasn’t quite what I thought it was going to be and it’s not fair to you that I crept back into your life unknowingly. Hopefully, this will give us both a chance to move on._

_I wish you and Phil the best. You deserve it, and not just now, but you deserved it when we first met as well. I’m sorry I was too caught up in my own shit to realize that._

_I’m so, so sorry._

_Jake_

Phil had to admit, it was a nice letter. It hurt him a little to admit that because he still thought Jake was a piece of shit, but he hoped it helped Dan, even if only slightly. He looked over at Dan who had a questioning look on his face.

“I think you should read this. It’s nothing bad.”

He handed the letter to Dan as he sat beside him on the sofa, watching out of the corner of his eye as Dan skimmed over the paper. From the time it was taking him to read it, he could tell that Dan was letting everything sink in. It was probably a shock to Dan to have a form of contact with Jake after all of this. 

After a minute, he let out a small sigh and rested the letter on his lap. 

“It’s weird. I want to be angry, but I’m not. I’m... actually kind of glad that he did this.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Like, this isn’t going to fix everything. I’m not going to throw away my meds and cancel my therapy sessions, but it does help, you know? It’s nice to know that I won’t have to worry about bumping into him anywhere.” Dan looked back down at the letter for a little while. “Do you know when his last day is?”

“It was today. They had a little farewell toast at work before we left."

Dan nodded. He scooted closer to Phil and curled up next to him. Phil expected Dan to resume the movie they were watching, but Dan didn’t grab the remote that was sitting next to him. It was obvious that he was deep in thought from the way he was staring at window, so Phil let them sit in silence.

 

*

 

When Phil woke up the following morning, Dan was sleeping soundly next to him. Phil watched as his chest lightly rose and fell with each breath. He quietly got out of bed in an attempt not to disturb Dan and walked into the kitchen. Usually, he would have liked to stay in bed for a little while longer, but his stomach was protesting this morning. 

As he did every morning, the first thing Phil did in the kitchen was start a pot of coffee. Otherwise, he would be a monster for the rest of the day and no one wanted to see that. As that was heating up, he grabbed a bowl, a box of cereal, and some milk from the fridge before grabbing another bowl from the cabinet, figuring Dan would want some breakfast as well. After getting everything ready, he realized he had a problem. In his post wake up haze, he didn’t think about how he was possibly going to carry two full bowls and one full mug of steaming hot coffee back to the bedroom. He considered carrying all three things at once, but quickly realized that would end in disaster. And probably second degree burns. Phil brought his coffee back to his room first, and then got the two bowls of cereal. By that point, Dan was stirring. 

“Good morning,” Phil smiled.

“Morning.” Dan stretched and grimaced when his hands hit the headboard with a thud. 

“I made you some cereal if you’re hungry.”

Dan shimmied up in bed to rest his back against the headboard, as Phil passed his breakfast to him. Dan thanked him, and in-between bites, he started to tell Phil about the insane dream he had where he was stuck overnight in a shop and one of his old teachers had to help him get out. There were a couple of times throughout Dan’s story when Phil almost spit out his cereal because he was laughing so much. 

It may just have been his imagination, or him getting his hopes up, but Phil could have sworn that Dan was in a better mood than usual this morning. Not that he was typically in a foul mood, but he seemed a lot more positive and upbeat today. He wanted it to be because of Jake’s letter and the fact that he was now out of Dan’s life for good. Although, maybe it was a complete coincidence. Either way, he was happy that Dan was happy. 

“I can’t wait until we can wake up like this every morning,” Dan said once he placed his empty bowl on the nightstand.

“Like this meaning me bringing you breakfast in bed?” Phil snickered. He was joking, but he would have no problem doing that for Dan if that’s what he really wanted. He would give the world to him if he could.

“Like this meaning me waking up next to you every morning and not having another apartment that I need to go back to on occasion."

“Who says we have to wait? Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready.” 

“Okay.” Dan smiled, but didn’t elaborate on the topic at all. Phil figured they would talk about it later. What he did do, though, was lean towards Phil to give him a quick peck on the lips. “I’m going to go take a shower, then Sarah’s?”

Phil nodded as he let out a small yawn. 

Phil could hear the shower being turned on and the water hitting the shower floor. The shower that already had Dan’s shampoo and body wash in it. And after he was done, Dan would come into the bedroom and grab clothing out of the dresser drawer that had his clothes in it. Who were they kidding? They were practically living together already. 

Before Phil got ready for the day himself, he grabbed his phone on the nightstand. The date on his lock screen reminded him that next week will have marked a year since the two of them went on their first date. 

He couldn’t believe that much time had already passed. A lot had happened in one year. Not only had they started a relationship, but they both allowed each other into the most hidden parts of their lives— for Phil, it was losing his mother and the family chaos that came with it, and for Dan, it was trying to get his life back on track after What Had Happened with Jake. It wasn’t an easy relationship, and their journey was far from over. But, Phil loved Dan, and he was going to be with him every step of the way.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! This is, unfortunately, the last chapter. I wanted to thank you all for reading and I hoped you enjoyed it! If you enjoyed this, you can check out the other fics I have on here, but I also have a couple up my sleeve for the near future!


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